Slip Jokes

A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn’t done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there’s nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain. “I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape but static,” she says. “Sorry about that. We’ve had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?” the clerk replies. “Head Cleaner,” Mary replies.

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves. As her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune… Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, ‘So, which six items would you like to buy?’ Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?!

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A Blonde Girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. “What’s that ?” she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. “Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply. “Oh,” said the Blonde Girl sympathetically, “That must be painful…. I had tennis elbow once.”

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn’t feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn’t even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that’s wives for you, the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As Iwalked into my office, my secretary Janet said, “Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday!”. And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said,”You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday…let’s go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “By George, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!” We went to lunch. We didn’t go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day. We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.” “Sure!” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…… followed by my wife, children, dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday……. And I just sat there……. on the couch……. naked.

A blonde named Cindy decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no prior lessons or experience. Cindy mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but Cindy begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, Cindy grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly uneffected by its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunatley, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves. Her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when……… …… the supermarket manager runs out and shuts the horse off.”

An orchestra is playing Beethoven’s 9th Symphony. There is a passage in the middle when, for about 20 minutes, the bass violinists have nothing to do. So they decide to slip out to a bar and drink a few beers. After a while one says, “Hey, we better get going.” But another says, “No, wait. I tied several pages of the conductor’s sheet music together, so we’ll have a couple of extra minutes while he sorts it out.” So they stay for another round. Finally when they go staggering back to their places. It was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied, and the bassists were loaded.

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.” She sleepily replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that sh*t?”

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to the neurosurgeon and asked, “Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?” “Sure, it’s easy,” replied the neurosurgeon. “All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you’ll be a Newfie.” He was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the neurosurgeon’s knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patient’s brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient’s brain. The surgeon was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient’s bed as he recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him, “I’m terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain.” The patient replied, “Qu’est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?”

Chuck Norris is actually every member of Slipknot. That’s how fast he can change costumes.

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, “Well, you’ve been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven.” Davidson thinks about it and says, “I wanna hang out with God, Himself.” The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, “Hey, aren’t you the inventor of Woman?” God says, “Ah, yes.” Well,” says Davidson, “you have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. there’s too much front end protrusion 2. it chatters at high speeds 3. the rear end wobbles too much, and 4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust.” “Hmmm…” replies God, “hold on.” God goes to the Celestial Super computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. “It may be that my invention is flawed,” God replies to Arthur Davidson, but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours.”

An orchestra is playing Beethoven’s 9th Symphony. There is a passage in the middle when, for about 20 minutes, the bass violinists have nothing to do.So they decide to slip out to a bar and drink a few beers. After a while one says, “Hey, we better get going.”But another says, “No, wait. I tied several pages of the conductor’s sheet music together, so we’ll have a couple of extra minutes while he sorts it out.”So they stay for another round. Finally when they go staggering back to their places. It was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied, and the bassists were loaded.

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose. ‘Oh please excuse me,’ said the bunny. ‘I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.’ ‘That’s perfectly all right,’ replied the snake. ‘To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way what kind of animal are you?’ ‘Well, I really don’t know,’ said the bunny. ‘I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.’ So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, ‘Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitch little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit.’ The bunny said, ‘I can’t thank you enough. But, by the way, what kind of animal are you?’ The snake replied that he didn’t know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished the snake asked, ‘Well, what kind of animal am I?’ The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, ‘You’re cold, you’re slippery, and you haven’t any balls…………You must be a politician!’

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he pops into the newsagent and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the newsagent “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 35” was the reply. “I’m actually 47 years old” the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into the Fish & Chip shop to celebrate. Before leaving, he asks the same question, to which the reply is “Oh, you look about 29” This makes him feel really good. Whilst standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your trousers and play for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.” Being as there was nobody around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his trousers. Ten minutes later the old lady says “You are 47 years old.” Stunned the man says, “That was brilliant. How did you do that?” The old lady replies, “I was behind you in the Chip shop”

“Aim towards the Enemy.” – Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher “When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.” – U.S. Army “Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” – U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop “If the enemy is in range, so are you.” – Infantry Journal “A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.” – Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance “It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.” – U.S. Air Force Manual “Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.” – Infantry Journal “Tracers work both ways.” – U.S. Army Ordnance “Five-second fuses only last three seconds.” – Infantry Journal “Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.” – Col. David Hackworth “If your attack is going too well, you’re probably walking into an ambush.” – Infantry Journal “No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.” – Joe Gay “Any ship can be a minesweeper … once.” – Anonymous “Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.” – Unknown Army Recruit “Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.” – Your Buddies (And lastly) “If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.” – U.S. Ammo Troop

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A Blonde Girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. “What’s that ?” she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. “Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply. “Oh,” said the Blonde Girl sympathetically, “That must be painful…. I had tennis elbow once.”

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him. As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?” “What dear?” she asks gently. “I think you bring me bad luck.”

1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 4. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 7. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared. 8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 9.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission. 11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful. 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 13. She is numb from her toes down. 14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. 15. The skin was moist and dry. 16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. 17. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce. 20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 24. Skin: somewhat pale. but present. 25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. 26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities 28. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room 29. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. 30. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 31. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. 32. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. 33. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead. 34. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.” She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing. “That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself. Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it. The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises. “Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt I should scream.” “You’re absolutely right sweetheart,” the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter. “Now why were you laughing?” she asked. “You always said if it tickled, I could laugh,” she answered. “True enough, honey.” The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days. “Now it’s your turn, baby,” she said turning to her youngest daughter. “Why was it so quiet in your room last night?” “Mom, don’t you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.”

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsagents to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 32,” is the reply. “Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, “I’d guess about 29.” The woman replies with a big smile, “Nope, I’m 50.” Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.” Again she proudly responds, “I’m 50, but thank you!” While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, “I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.” They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, “What the hell, go ahead.” He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay…How old am I?” He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 50.” Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?” The old man says, “Promise you won’t get mad?” “I promise I won’t.” she says. “I was behind you in McDonald’s!”

HIS: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 3. Enter PIN number and account 4. Take cash, card and receipt HER: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Check makeup in rearview mirror 3. Shut off engine 4. Put keys in purse 5. Get out of car b/c you’re too far from machine 6. Hunt for card in purse 7. Insert card 8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it 9. Enter PIN number 10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes. 11. Hit “cancel” 12. Re-enter correct PIN number 13. Check balance 14. Look for envelope 15. Look in purse for pen 16. Make out deposit slip 17. Endorse checks 18. Make deposit 19. Study instructions 20. Make cash withdrawal 21. Get in car 22. Check makeup 23. Look for keys 24. Start car 25. Check makeup 26. Start pulling away 27. STOP 28. Back up to machine 29. Get out of car 30. Take card and receipt 31. Get back in car 32. Put card in wallet 33. Put receipt in checkbook 34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook 35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook 36. Check makeup 37. Put car in gear, reverse 38. Put car in drive 39. Drive away from machine 40. Travel 3 miles 41. Release parking brake

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 35,” was the reply. “I’m actually 47,” the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, “Oh, you look about 29”. “I am actually 47.” Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, “I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your stuff for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age.” As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, “Okay, it’s done. You are 47.” Stunned, the man says, “That was brilliant. How did you do that?” The old lady replies, “I was behind you at McDonalds.”

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?” She replies, “I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.” “Amazing,” he notes. “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.” “Oh, this thing?” explains the woman. “I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.” “But, where did you get the tools?” “Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. “On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.” The guy is stunned. “Let’s row over to my place,” she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white While the woman ties up the rowboat wit h an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?” “No! No thank you,” he blurts out, still dazed. “I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.” “It’s not coconut juice,” winks the woman. “I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?” Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.” No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. “This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What next?” When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. “Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve been out here for many months. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for?” She stares into his eyes. He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean . . he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.” . . . “Don’t tell me you’ve built a Golf Course!”

It’s time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella’s are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States. The following are this year’s candidates: 1. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a nightclub in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses. 2. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbor’s beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun. 3. A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hub caps. 4. A. Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 a! after she slipped on a soft drink spill and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. 5. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn’t reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner’s insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000. 6. A jury of her peers awarded Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, $780,000 after breaking her ankle by tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson’s son. 7. This year’s favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner’s manual that he couldn’t actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.” She sleepily replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that sh*t?”

Mitt Romney is so rich, he has someone to stir up his fruit on the bottom. Mitt Romney is so rich that he Fed Ex’s his Christmas cards. Mitt Romney is so rich, he hires someone to peel those stringy parts off his bananas. Mitt Romney is so rich, that he has custom-printed deposit slips with room for more zeroes. Mitt Romney is so rich, he could buy all the pies in Belgium. Mitt Romney is so rich, he’s even suspicious of his dog’s affection. Mitt Romney is so rich, that if someone else eats the last cookie, he can send his cookie-boy out to get more. Mitt Romney is so rich, he could wallpaper his bathroom in $1000 bills, and it wouldn’t measurably affect the value of his house. Mitt Romney is so rich, he can afford a Partridge Family bus with Danny Bonaduce as his driver. Mitt Romney is so rich, his wife doesn’t bother asking him to take out the trash. Mitt Romney is so rich, he can call Warren Buffet, ‘Boy’. Mitt Romney is so rich, he’s afraid to bank in person for fear that bank employees will stick him up. Mitt Romney is so rich, his portfolio could drop 99% and he’d still be wealthier than anyone you know. Mitt Romney is so rich, he could buy Janet Reno’s affection. Mitt Romney is so rich, he can afford to have the big screen version of ‘Titanic’ recreated live for his birthday. Mitt Romney is so rich, that he could wear a Monica Lewinsky beret, and he would just be considered eccentric. Mitt Romney is so rich, he could fund his own ballet company with himself as the lead dancer, and it wouldn’t matter if no one paid to see him. Mitt Romney is so rich, he could hire the Green Bay Packers to play the Denver Broncos in his back yard. Mitt Romney is so rich, he could host his own Olympic Games, and give out one-ton gold medals. Mitt Romney is so rich, he could afford a really cool train set running all around his house. And I don’t mean a toy train. Mitt Romney is so rich, he could buy the press’s silence regarding his naked two-man luge escapade.

Q: Why did the librarian slip and fall on the library floor? A: Because she was in the non-friction section.

1. Schizophrenia — Do You Hear What I Hear? 2. Multiple Personality Disorder — We Three Queens Disoriented Are 3. Amnesia — I Don’t Know if I’ll be Home for Christmas 4. Narcissistic — Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me 5. Manic — Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and … 6. Paranoid — Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me 7. Borderline Personality Disorder — Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire 8. Full Personality Disorder — You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll tell You Why 9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder —Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells … 10. Agoraphobia — I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn’t Leave My House 11. Senile Dementia — Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe 12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder — I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

A Skier’s Dictionary Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: “What Zermatter?” Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse. Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury. Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: TWO bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident. Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling technique. It’s good exercise. It doesn’t require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It isn’t skiing. See Cross-Country Something-Or-Other. Cross-Country Something-or-Other: Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculpted drift. Exercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you’re prepared for the slopes: *Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climb a flight of stairs. *Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge with your skis on and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes. *Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet. Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so close-fitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape. Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia. Inertia: Tendency of a skier’s body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton’s First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws: * Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital bills. * Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don’t expect to encounter it again in our universe. * When an irresistible force meets an immovable object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear. Prejump: Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled prefall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a prescream and a few pregroans. Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins. Ski! : A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is “Avalanche!” – which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill. Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them. Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, “Why?” Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and paineth. Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed. Tree: The other method.

John was tasked with bringing the Christmas decorations up from the basement and start decorating the house and tree. During one trek up the stairs, heavily laden with boxes, he slipped and luckily only fell about two steps before landing square on his behind. Jill heard the noise and yelled, “What was that thump?” “I just fell down the stairs,” he explained. “Anything broken?” asked Jill. John replied, “No, I’m fine.” There was just a slight pause before he heard Jill say, “No, I meant my decorations? Are any of them broken?”

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?” So the first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell — but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.” “That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. “It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.” Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. “Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding naked inside a refrigerator…”

Introducing the new, improved MID-LIFE BARBIE: Now, at long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic. 1. BIFOCALS BARBIE: Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too), neck chain and large print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living. 2. HOT FLASH BARBIE: Press Barbie’s belly button and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues. 3. FACIAL HAIR BARBIE: As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror. 4. FLABBY ARMS BARBIE: Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front too- muumuus with tummy support panels are included. 5. BUNION BARBIE: Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. 6. NO-MORE-WRINKLES BARBIE: Erase those pesky crow’s feet and lip lines with a tube os Skin Sparkle Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics. 7. SOCCER MOM BARBIE: All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. Comes with a SUV in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch. 8. DIVORCED BARBIE: Sells for $399.99. Comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car and Ken’s boat. 9. POST-MENOPAUSAL BARBIE: This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things and cries a lot. She is sick of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex.

New Math Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon 1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower 1 million microphones: 1 megaphone 2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it….) 52 cards: 1 decacards 3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

Why did the librarian slip and fall on the library floor? Because she was in the non-friction section.

I’m not really a fan of innuendo jokes but I do occasionally slip one in!

I took my overnight bag to my tennis match by mistake, and had to play in my dressing gown and slippers…Still, I won comfortably!

I took a girl home. We got kissing on the sofa & before long, I slipped my hand into her knickers. She asked, “Shall we take this upstairs?”I said, “No, I’d rather we did it here.”“Oh I see,” she winked. “Something in your bedroom you don’t want me to see?”“Yeah, my wife!”

The wife was trying to be sexy for me tonight. When I came up the stairs, I found her lying naked on the bed, licking a lollipop.Then she slipped it up her fanny…I said, “Careful with that, love. You’ll need it to help the children across the road tomorrow!”

The wife was trying to be sexy for me last night. When I came up the stairs, I found her lying naked on the bed, licking a lollipop.Then she slipped it up her fanny…I said, “Careful with that, love. You’ll need it to help the children across the road tomorrow!”

I was walking along the street the other day when I slipped in dog shit.A minute later, some guy did exactly the same.I said to him, “I just did that!”So he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard!

I don’t really like jokes that use sexual innuendos…But I do like to slip one in occasionally!

Accordion to research you can slip the name of musical instruments into sentences without anyone noticing!

During an infants sewing lesson, a little girl slipped & stabbed her finger with a needle.“Quick, get me a can of Strongbow,” she cried.“Why do you want Strongbow?” asked the tutor.“I heard my sister say that whenever she has a prick in her hand she has to put it in cider!”

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me. “I really need a new fucking boat,” I thought to myself.

Q: How does a bull stay warm on a bitterly cold day? … … A: He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm Jersey.

One time I was in a corner shop, and saw a young boy pick up a Mars bar and slip it into his pocket. Then the shopkeeper appeared and shouted, “Oi, you! Hands off!” They don’t fuck about in Saudi Arabia.

I don’t do innuendos, but slipping alternative names for poo into sentences is something I do do sometimes.

My horse had a win at the races today. Fuck knows how he filled in the betting slip.

How does a bull stay warm on a bitterly cold day in January? He goes into the barn and slips into a warm Jersey.

Q: What do Roseanne Barr and a battleship have in common? … A: They both need three tugs to get into their slips.

$500 worth of condoms and lubricant were stolen overnight from a Sydney sex shop. Police described the thieves as slippery,well covered,hardened criminals.

I think the Oscars would be a lot more interesting if they had a “Best Nip Slip” category… or “Best Back Burger.”

Just remember, every day is a gift from God. Well except for Monday.. Satan slips that one in. He’s a sneaky bastard.

Just finishing up my taxes and am now a little worried about my tax software. It just recommended I slip across the border into Mexico.

I was walking along the street the other day when I slipped in dog shit. A minute later, some guy did exactly the same thing. I said to him, “I just did that.” So, he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard.

I walked out of a club with a girl last night. She slipped her hand inside my jeans, squeezed my c*ck and said, “Yours or mine?” I said, “That’s mine.”

Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

What’s a foot long and slippery?A slipper.

I tried flushing my dutch slippers down the toilet.Now the drain is all clogged up.

When my girl said yes to my marriage proposal, I began bawling uncontrollably.In fact she slipped and fell on the wet floor, slickened by my tears…I wept her off her feet!