Smell Jokes

What did one snowman say to the other? I think I smell carrots!

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn. I don’t buy toilet paper there any more.

A drunk man who smelled like booze sat down on a bench next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, ‘Say Father, what causes arthritis?’ The priest replies, ‘My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.’ The drunk muttered in response, ‘Well, I’ll be damned,’ then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. ‘I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis? The drunk answered, ‘I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The house was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place. The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things. While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went. Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home … including the curtain rods.

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said…. FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

Q: How do elephants smell? A: Really bad.

why do giraffes have long necks? because they have smelly feet!!

What did the left eye say to the right eye? Just between you and me, something smells down there.

Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in “I hope I don’t get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.”

Q: What’s red and smells like blue paint? A: Red paint.

The Wisconsin State Dept of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears this summer. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. People should be able to recognize the presence of bears in an area by their droppings: Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berry residue and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.

Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO): 1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area. 2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake. 3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes. 4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can’t find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure. 5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it. 6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars. 7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return. 8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don’t understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops. 9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes. 10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection. 11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations. 12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost. 13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere. 14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake’s life. 15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.) 16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date. 17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft. 18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs. 19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don’t show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO’s without power lines or SAM’s. 20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire. 21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target. 22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can’t receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons. 23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW. 24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator with her and says arrogantly, “Giorgio – Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!” Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, “Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!” About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the eye, turns, bends over, and farts. “Broccoli – 49 cents a pound.”

A very disheveled, unattractive, profoundly obese, smelly, mean acting, nasty in EVERY sense of the word, woman, walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow. As she offers a cart, the Wal-Mart Greeter, asks, “Are they twins”? The woman snarls, “No, the oldest one, he’s nine, and, the younger one, she’s seven. Why, do you think they really look alike?” “No”, replies the greeter, “I just couldn’t believe you got laid twice!!”

My dog has no nose. That’s terrible! How does he smell? Awful.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was thehusband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts. A malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing , tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.”

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on ‘Observation’. He took out a jar of yellow-coloured liquid. “This”, he explained, “is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to colour, smell, sight, and taste.” After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. “If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth.”

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said…. FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can’t stand it any longer, and goes to Human Resources. Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the coworker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him. The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, “What is sexually threatening about a coworker telling you your hair smells nice? The woman replies, “It’s Keith…… The midget.”

Before the days when dogs were used to sniff out drugs at airports,many different animals were tried, including chickens, due to theirsuperior sense of smell. Things went awry, however, when the Sergeant incharge of the Poultry Unit was arrested for drug trafficking. At hisarraignment, the Press was scandalized when he pled guilty, but heremained indignant. “What did you expect? I ran a fowl of the law!”

didn’t know this, but it makes sense!!! Did You Know This About Leather Dresses? Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man’s heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak at the knees, and he begins to think irrationally??? Ever wonder why? It’s because she smells like a new golf bag.

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The Groom-to-be, hoping to overcome his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. “Father,” he said, “I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.” His father replied, “Do you love this girl?” “Oh yes, very much,” he said,” but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my fiance will be put off by them.” “No problem,” said dad, “all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.” Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to discuss her problem with her mom.” Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.” “Honey,” her mother consoled, “everyone has bad breath in the morning.” “No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me.” Her mother said simply, “In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you’vebrushed your teeth.” “I shouldn’t say good morning or anything?” the daughter asked. “Not a word,” her mother affirmed. “Well, it’s certainly worth a try,” she thought. The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his sockshad come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, “What on earth are you doing?” “Oh, my god,” he replies, “you’ve swallowed my sock!”

Too-Jealous Wife There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn’t find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him,”Great, so now you’re cheating on me with a bald woman!” The next night, when she didn’t smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, “She’s not only bald, but she’s too cheap to buy any perfume!”

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?” “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.” “Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?” “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent”. The doctor says “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.” The next week the lady goes back. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly.” “Good”, the doctor said, now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing.

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The Groom-to-be, hoping to overcome his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. “Father,” he said, “I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.” His father replied, “Do you love this girl?” “Oh yes, very much,” he said,” but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my fiance will be put off by them.” “No problem,” said dad, “all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.” Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to discuss her problem with her mom.” Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.” “Honey,” her mother consoled, “everyone has bad breath in the morning.” “No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me.” Her mother said simply, “In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you’vebrushed your teeth.” “I shouldn’t say good morning or anything?” the daughter asked. “Not a word,” her mother affirmed. “Well, it’s certainly worth a try,” she thought. The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his sockshad come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, “What on earth are you doing?” “Oh, my god,” he replies, “you’ve swallowed my sock!”

Dale Jarrett, Rusty Wallace and Robert Pressely found themselves in hell. They were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, behind the door was perhaps the ugliest 1973 Pinto they had ever seen. It was multi-colored with plenty of rust and primer…dirty… dry-rotted interior..and you could smell it even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard: “Dale, YOU HAVE SINNED!!! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in the drivers seat of this car!!!” And Jarrett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment. This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when the second door opened…and they saw an even MORE disgusting example of automaking gone wrong. It was a 1978 Gremlin it was over smashed in every which direction, covered in thick hand paint-brushed house paint and lots of “peace” symbols and hippie colors. It has a top speed of 34, the electrics don’t work, and the radio works but only plays the theme from “Alice” and you can’t turn it off. The voice of the Devil was heard: “Rusty, YOU HAVE SINNED!!! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in the drivers seat of this car!!!” And Rusty, like Jarrett before him, was whisked off. Robert Pressley, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst…when the third door opened…. And as the door…inched…open…., he strained to see the figure of… a 1998 Dodge VIPER!!! Delighted, Robert, taking in the sight of this beautiful piece of Automaking Delight, Shiney and powerful this car is made to run like hell. Then he heard the voice of the Devilsaying:… “Viper, YOU HAVE SINNED….

When a woman wears leather clothing: A man’s heart beats quicker, and his throat gets dry, and he goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally. Ever wonder why? Because she smells like a new truck…

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding… Wouldn’t you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, “You know how fast you were going, boy?” Bob thought for a second and said, “Uh, 60?” “67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!” said the cop. “But if you already knew, officer,” replied Bob, “why did you ask me?” Fuming over Bob’s answer, the officer growled and said in his sarcastic fashion, “That’s speeding, and you’re getting a ticket and a fine!” The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire and said, “You don’t even look like you have a job! Why, I’ve never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!” Bob answered, “I’ve got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!” The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob’s fish, and said, “What kind of job would a bum like you have?” “I’m a rectum stretcher!” replied Bob. “What did you say, boy?” asked the patrolman. “I’m a rectum stretcher!” The cop, scratching his head, asked, “What does a rectum stretcher do?” Bob explained, “People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it’s a full six feet across.” The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, “What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?” Bob said, “You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!”

Q: What did the snowman say to the other snowman? A: “Do you smell carrot?”

Entries in a Dog’s Diary: 7 am – Oh boy! A walk! My favorite! 8 am – Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9 am – Oh boy! The kids! My favorite! Noon – Oh boy! The yard! My favorite! 2 pm – Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite! 3 pm – Oh boy! The kids! My favorite! 4 pm – Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite! 6 pm – Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite! 7 pm – Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite! 8 pm – Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9 pm – Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite! 11 pm -Oh boy! Sleeping in my people’s bed! My favorite! Entries in a Cat’s Diary: Day 183 of my captivity … My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by winding around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. She speaks with them regularly. I am certain she reports my every move. Due to her current placement in the metal container, her safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

Why is six afraid of seven? Six hasn’t been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he’s sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy’s faces when they walked into that village and… oh Jesus. He shouldn’t think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex’s slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn’s cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now… he knows that. It’s–it’s just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him… it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he’s back there… In the jungle… In the darkness. Seven has a hook for a hand as well, which is very scary.

Q: What did the skunk use to contact his girlfriend? A: His smellular phone!

Q: Why do women wear makeup and perfume? A: Because they’re ugly and they smell bad.

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?” She replies, “I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.” “Amazing,” he notes. “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.” “Oh, this thing?” explains the woman. “I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.” “But, where did you get the tools?” “Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. “On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.” The guy is stunned. “Let’s row over to my place,” she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white While the woman ties up the rowboat wit h an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?” “No! No thank you,” he blurts out, still dazed. “I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.” “It’s not coconut juice,” winks the woman. “I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?” Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.” No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. “This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What next?” When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. “Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve been out here for many months. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for?” She stares into his eyes. He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean . . he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.” . . . “Don’t tell me you’ve built a Golf Course!”

When a woman wears leather clothing A man’s heart beats quicker His throat gets dry He goes week in the knees And he begins to think irrationally Ever wonder why? Because she smells like a new truck!!!

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trash can from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed. Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed. Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment andthen exclaims, “Ah, a solution exists!” and then goes back to bed.

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur’s youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question?…What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur’s question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered….is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day…or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments? What would YOU do? Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now….what is the moral to this story? The moral is…. If you don’t let a woman have her own way…. Things are going to get ugly.

Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking…… because the Rock is Chuck Norris’ personal chef.

Q: What do you get if you cross a skunk with a boomerang? A: A nasty smell that you can’t get rid of.

Q: What is red and smells like blue paint? A: Red paint.

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother’s Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs. “As a surprise for Mother’s Day,” one explained, “we decided to cook our own breakfast.”

what did one snowman say to the other snowman? can you smell carrots?

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick, and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, “Father, what causes arthritis”? “Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man. “Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and apologized. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?” “I don’t have arthritis, Father, but I just read in the paper that the Pope has it.”

Q: What did the left eye say to the right eye? A: Just between you and me, something smells down there.

In light of the rising frequency of human – grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

My dog has no nose. That’s terrible! How does he smell? Awful.

Political Correctness For Kids – Your bedroom isn’t cluttered; it’s “passage-restrictive.” – Kids don’t get in trouble anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps.” – You’re not having a bad hair day; you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome.” – No one’s tall anymore. They’re “vertically enhanced.” – You’re not shy. You’re “conversationally selective.” – You don’t talk a lot. You’re just “abundantly verbal.” – It’s not called gossip anymore. It’s “transmission of near-factual information.” – The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful. It’s “digestively challenged.” – Your homework isn’t missing; it’s just having an “out-of-notebook experience.” – You’re not sleeping in class; you’re “rationing consciousness.” – You don’t have smelly gym socks; you have “odor-retentive athletic footwear.” – You weren’t passing notes in class. You were “participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations.” – You’re not being sent to the principal’s office. You’re “going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur’s youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer; he would be put to death. The question? . . . What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with every one, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice, compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur’s question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered . . . is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self only half-the-time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day . . . or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments? What would YOU do? What Lancelot chose is below. BUT . . . make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY? Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now . . . what is the moral to this story? The moral is . . . If you don’t let a woman have her own way . . . Things are going to get ugly!

A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?” “Just water,” says the priest. The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?” The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

Dale Jarrett, Rusty Wallace and Robert Pressely found themselves in hell. They were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, behind the door was perhaps the ugliest 1973 Pinto they had ever seen. It was multi-colored with plenty of rust and primer…dirty… dry-rotted interior..and you could smell it even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard: “Dale, YOU HAVE SINNED!!! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in the drivers seat of this car!!!” And Jarrett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment. This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when the second door opened…and they saw an even MORE disgusting example of automaking gone wrong. It was a 1978 Gremlin it was over smashed in every which direction, covered in thick hand paint-brushed house paint and lots of “peace” symbols and hippie colors. It has a top speed of 34, the electrics don’t work, and the radio works but only plays the theme from “Alice” and you can’t turn it off. The voice of the Devil was heard: “Rusty, YOU HAVE SINNED!!! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in the drivers seat of this car!!!” And Rusty, like Jarrett before him, was whisked off. Robert Pressley, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst…when the third door opened…. And as the door…inched…open…., he strained to see the figure of… a 1998 Dodge VIPER!!! Delighted, Robert, taking in the sight of this beautiful piece of Automaking Delight, Shiney and powerful this car is made to run like hell. Then he heard the voice of the Devilsaying:… “Viper, YOU HAVE SINNED….

15 Things One Should Never Say During Sex 1. But everybody looks funny naked! 2. You woke me up for that? 3. Did I mention the video camera? 4. Do you smell something burning? 5. (in a janitor’s closet) And they say romance is dead… 6. Try breathing through your nose. 7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone! 8. Is that a Medic Alert Pendant? 9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? 10. But whipped cream makes me break out. 12. On second thought, let’s turn off the lights 13. Can you please pass me the remote control? 14. Do you accept Visa? 15. Z ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Mrs. Goldberg goes to the butcher at least once a week to buy a chicken. She picks it up, pinches it, fondles it, smacks it, then puts her nose in it as if to smell it. Each time she asks “butcher, Is this chicken fresh?” Each time the butcher guarentees her that it is as fresh as the day as it is born. One week she came in three times and each time asked for a chicken, went through her ritual: picks it up, pinches it, fondles it, smacks it, then smells it and again asks “Butcher, is this chicken fresh?” Not being able to stand much more the butcher replies: “Mrs. Goldberg, could you pass a test like that?”

A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, “COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED – ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!” He enters and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, “OK, truck drivers aren’t nerds.” As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender replied, “Don’t worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don’t even need a license.” So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers – computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can’t let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, “What’s wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season.” “Well, sure,” says the patrolman, “But you can’t bait ’em!”

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?” “My son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.” “Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?” “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door and told when to jump” “My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go” “But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked. “I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered. “But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked. He quickly answered “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack”.

Did you hear about the little skunk who got lost in the woods? He called home on his smell phone.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT’S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT: You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft’s rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme. If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter: ms.nodamn.good/tryagainagain/again.crap This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn’t work, contact your oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don’t want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after ’98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One said to the other, “It smells fishy around here.”

A travelling salesman of agricultural machinery was on a three week tour through the hinterlands of southern Arkansas and was visiting one particular farmer. He was standing, alongside of the farmer, leaning on the corral rail – as he always did before pitching “the new line of tractors” – and looking at all of the farm animals in the barnyard. Seeing one particular pig, he said: “Say, that sure is a fine hog, but, you know, I have never seen a pig with one wooden leg before.” The farmer said: “You see, that there pig is one valuable animal, I can tell you. That there hog saved my life three times.” “The first time was about a month ago. My wife fried potatoes for supper, just the way I like them, and left the frying pan on the stove. About midnight or so, the pig must have smelled the smoke, but be broke out of his pen, butted the house door open with his snout, woke us up and we got out of the house just in time.” “And it wasn’t but two weeks later and I was mowing on the back forty and I tipped the tractor over and it pinned me under the rear wheel. Gas was leaking out of the tank onto the hot manifold and that pig must have heard me yelling, because he broke out again, ran up to me, saw what had happened, ran to the neighbour, got help and the neighbour came with his tractor and pulled me free.” “And just last week, I was leading the old dairy bull out to pasture, and he raised up and pulled the ring out of his nose and, quick as two shakes of a dog’s tail, he knocked me down. He jumped on me and straddled me with his horns and was about to gore me, when the old pig heard what was going on, broke out again, ran up, got a firm hold on the old bull’s tail and I got away.” Having heard the explanation, the salesman said: “All well and good, but that doesn’t explain why that hog has got a wooden leg.” The farmer replied: “Well, in a way, it does. A pig that is that valuable is way too valuable to eat all at one time”.

Pig With a Wooden Leg A traveler was driving through Arkansas when he lost his way and got off the main highway. As he drove by, he saw rows and rows of pigsties and pigpens and pigs running in fields and pigs wallowing in mud. Suddenly, his eye caught something really strange. He did a double take, muttered to himself and then looked a third time. He wondered if he had seen correctly – it looked like a pig with a wooden leg! He found the lane to the farm and drove up into the farmyard, where he was met by the farmer. “Excuse me,” the traveler said. “I was just driving by and looking at all your pigs, and I noticed something that I just had to stop and ask about. Tell me, did I see right? Is there really a pig out there with a wooden leg?” The farmer smiled. “Oh, that would be old Caesar you saw. He’s the finest pig a man could ever hope to have – and smart! Well, let me tell you a little about that pig. You see that barge down there on the river? That’s a mining dredge, taking out platinum ore. Old Caesar sniffed out the vein and showed us how to set it up. Now that dredge brings me in about $120,000 every year. “There’s another thing, too, a little more personal. One night a couple of years ago I got to drinking and I guess I had more than I should have. I passed out drunk, fell down and knocked over a lamp. That started a fire in the house and old Caesar smelled the smoke. He came in the back door, got the wife and kid out, roused me up and got me out. “There is no question about it – that night old Caesar saved all our lives and you know that is not the sort of thing a man is going to forget too easily.” “Why,” the traveler said, “this is all amazing! I have never heard of a pig like this before! This is fantastic! But tell me, how did he get that wooden leg? Was he in a wreck or something?” The farmer laughed and said, “Well, naturally, when you have a pig that smart, you don’t want to eat him all at one time!”

How do elephants smell? Really bad.

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn’t get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn’t go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there. One little boy said, “We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?” “Sure,” said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, “Now go out and play.” When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, “What religion do you think we are?” The oldest one said, “We’re not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you.” “We’re not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water.” “We’re not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle you.” The littlest one said, “Didn’t you smell that water!” “Yeah! What do you think that means?” “I think it means we’re Pisscopalians.”

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. 2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name. 3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor. 4. A dog’s parents never visit. 5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. 6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day. 7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk. 8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing. 9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, If I died, would you get another dog?? 10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away. 11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert. 12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.. 13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck. And last, but not least: 14. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.

Before the days when dogs were used to sniff out drugs at airports, many different animals were tried, including chickens, due to their superior sense of smell. Things went awry, however, when the Sergeant in charge of the Poultry Unit was arrested for drug trafficking. At his arraignment, the Press was scandalized when he pled guilty, but he remained indignant. “What did you expect? I ran a fowl of the law!”

Perfume Counter A teenage girl shopped at the mall and stopped at the perfume counter. She sees, “My Sin”, “Desire”, and “Ecstasy”. She says to the salesperson, “I don’t want to get emotionally involved…I just want to smell nice.”

An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go – and it was a doozy. Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell. A man entered the elevator and immediately made a face. “Holy cow! What’s that smell?” “I don’t know, sir. I don’t smell anything. What does it smell like to you?” “Like someone crapped a Christmas tree.”

What did the skunk use to contact his girlfriend? His smellular phone!

The Difference Between Football in the North and South WOMEN’S ATTIRE Up North: Chapstick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front pocket. Down South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), concealer, and a fifth of bourbon. Wallet not necessary, that’s what dates are for. STADIUM SIZE Up North: College football stadiums hold 20,000. Down South: High School football stadiums hold 20,000. FATHERS Up North: Expect their daughter to understand Sylvia Plath. Down South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference. ATTIRE Up North: Male and female alike: woolly sweater or sweatshirt and jeans. Down South: Male – press khakis, oxford shirt, cap with frat logo, Justin Ropers. Female – ankle-length skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots, oxford shirt. ALUMNI Up North: Take prospects on sailing trips before they join the law firm. Down South: Take prospects on fishing trip so they don’t leave for the NFL their senior year. CAMPUS DECOR Up North: Statues of founding fathers. Down South: Statues of Heisman Trophy winners. HOMECOMING QUEEN Up North: Also a Physics Major Down South: Also Miss USA. HEROES Up North: Mario Cuomo Down South: “Bear” Bryant GETTING TICKETS Up North: 5 minutes before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and still purchase tickets. Down South: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and still be placed on the waiting list for tickets. FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY NIGHT GAME Up North: Students and Teachers are not sure if they are going because they have class on Friday. Down south: Teachers cancel class on Friday because they don’t want to see the few hungover students that might actually make it to class on Friday. PARKING Up North: An hour before game time the University opens the campus for game parking. Down South: RV’s sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The real faithful begin arriving on Tuesday. GAME DAY Up North: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV. Down South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting on Game Day “live” to get on camera and wave to the idiots up North who wonder why game day is never broadcast from their campus. TAILGATING Up North: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down. Down South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by Jerry Jeff Walker, who comes over during breaks and ask for a hit off your bottle of bourbon. GETTING TO THE STADIUM Up North: You ask “Where’s the stadium?” When you find it, you walk right in with no line. Down South: When your near it, you’ll hear it. On game day, it becomes the state’s third largest city. CONCESSIONS Up North: Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with soda. Down South: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team’s mascot–filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon. WHEN NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED Up North: Stands are less than half full. Down South: 100,000 fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony. THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCORE Up North: Nothing Changes! Down South: Fireworks with a twist of bourbon. COMMENTARY (MALE) Up North: “Nice Play.” Down South: “Dammit you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs!!!” COMMENTARY (FEMALE) Up North: “My, this is a violent sport.” Down South: “Dammit you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs!!!” ANNOUNCERS Up North: Paid. Down South: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team. AFTER THE GAME Up North: The stadium is empty way before the game ends. Down South: Another rack of ribs on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next week’s game.

My friend got mad at me for smelling his sister’s underwear.I don’t know if it was because she was still wearing them…Or because the rest of the family was there…Either way, it made the rest of the funeral really awkward!

Two prostitutes are standing on a corner. One says, “Tonight is gonna be a good night. I can smell the dick in the air.” The other says, “Sorry, I just burped!”

My missus says I’ve got a cock like a donkey…Turns out she meant the smell!

What’s blue and smells like red paint?Blue paint!

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.“Did you smell that food?” she said. “It was absolutely incredible, and it is our anniversary tomorrow” she added.“Fuck it,” I thought. I’ll treat her…So I walked her past it again!

After a 69 with my gf, I had a dentist appt. Didn’t want the dentist to know so brushed my teeth 5 times. I sat in the dentist chair & dentist asked, “Did you have 69 before you came here?” Shocked I said, “Why can smell it on my breath?” “No, but your forehead smells of arse!”

Two parrots sitting on a perch. One says to the other, “Can you smell fish?”

I just opened my fridge and it really smells of basil…I think it’s faulty!

My mate said he can smell a paedophile a mile away…I said, “That’s nonce sense!”

I came out of the toilet, did up my zip and said, “I’d give it ten minutes.”My wife said, “Urgh, have you done a smelly shit?”I said, “No, your sister’s putting her knickers back on!”

An Irish priest is driving on a country road when the police pull him over. He can smell alcohol on the priest’s breath.He says, “Have you been drinking?”“Just water,” says the priest.The cop replies, “Why do I smell wine?”The priest says, “Good Lord he’s done it again!”

Two prostitutes are standing on a corner. One says, “Tonight is gonna be a good night. I can smell the dick in the air.”The other says, “Sorry, I just burped!”

Did you know that the flame of a candle smells like burning nasal hair!

I bought one of those Christmas scented candles…Took a sniff but it just smells like burnt nose hair!

I walked into the library and said, “I’m looking for a brand new book for people who enjoy smelling each other’s farts. Is it in yet?” “Don’t hold your breath,” said the librarian. “That’s the one,’ I replied.

THREE LAWS OF SCIENCE: 1. IF IT SMELLS BAD IT’S CHEMISTRY 2. IF ITS MUSHY IT’S BIOLOGY 3.IF IT DOESNT WORK ITS PHYSICS

Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don’t have to see, touch, or smell them.

New Scientist magazine reports that a team of British engineers in Bristol have developed a car that runs on human shit …I bet that “new car smell” doesn’t last very f*cking long.

I say “do I smell popcorn” right after I fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.

If you hear someone sing Jingle Bells and you don’t respond with Batman smells then I don’t wanna be friends with you.

Hey baby, do you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.

Men spend more time smelling their clothes than they do cleaning them.

Shout out to all the people in church today, who didn’t speak to anyone, cause their breath still smelled like Jack Daniels.

Two parrots are standing on a perch. One says to the other “Can you smell fish?”

If your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, smelling of honey and covered in bee stings, she’s a keeper.

What did one eye say to the other? Something smells between us.

My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.He smelled funny the whole day.

What tastes better than it smells?A tongue!