Snow Jokes

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?” The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City.”Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom.” The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Next it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.” Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.” “Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?” “Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”

In Canada , we have two seasons… six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.

It’s wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Men are like ……. Laxatives …… They irritate the @#%$ out of you. Men are like …….. Bananas ……. The older they get, the less firm they are. Men are like ……… Vacations ….. They never seem to be long enough. Men are like ……… Weather …… Nothing can be done to change them. Men are like ……… Blenders …… You need One, but you’re not quite sure why. Men are like …….. Chocolate Bars ….. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. Men are like …….. Coffee …… The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night long. Men are like ……… Commercials ….. You can’t believe a word they say. Men are like …….. Department Stores …… Their clothes are always 1/2 off. Men are like …….. Government Bonds …… They take soooooooo long to mature. Men are like …….. Mascara …… They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like …….. Popcorn ……. They satisfy you, but only for a little while. Men are like ……… Snowstorms ….. You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last. Men are like …….. Lava Lamps …… Fun to look at, but not very bright. Men are like …….. Parking Spots …… All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped

Q: What’s the abominable snowman’s favourite food? A: Spag-yeti.

I think Santa Claus is a woman …. I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It’s as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they – with amazing calm – call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem suprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it’s an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) on this count alone, I’m convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen’s rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he’d still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle. Other reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a man: – Men can’t pack a bag. – Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. – Men would feel their masculinity is threatened.. having to be seen with all those elves. – Men don’t answer their mail. – Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a “bowl full of jelly.” – Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them. – Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. – Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men …… Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, goodwill, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole’s version of “The Christmas Song” it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is. I just wish she’d quit dressing like a guy!!

Two guys from Chicago, Illinois die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, ‘What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough for you?’ The two guys reply, ‘Well, you know, we’re from Illinois, the land of ice and snow and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know.’ The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Chicago and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. ‘Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves.’ The two Chicagoans reply, ‘Well, ya know, we don’t get too much warm weather up there in Chicago, we’ve just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice.’ The devil is absolutely furious, he decides to turn all the heat in hell off. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail or moan. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Chicagoans. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering. The devil was dumbfounded. ‘I don’t understand. When I turn the heat up, you’re happy. Now it’s freezing cold, and you’re happy. What is wrong with you two?’ The Chicagoans look at the devil in surprise. ‘Well, don’t ya know–if hell freezes over, that must mean one thing…the CUBS won the WORLD SERIES.

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman’s additional children were costing the church. Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. “Having children is an act of God!” Silence fell upon the congregation. No one dare challenge the thought. In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said: “Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!” Don’t you just love little old ladies!

What’s the abominable snowman’s favourite food? Spag-yeti.

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are “snowbirds” in Texas. Ray had always wanted a pair of authentic Cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and wears them home walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?” Bessie looks him over, “Nope.” Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the cowboy boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?” Bessie looks up and says, “Ray, what’s so different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.” Furious, Ray yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!! To which Bessie replies, “Should a bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat.”

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman? Frostbite.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats.” – -Dave Platt “Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.” –Bruce Graham “There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.” –Unknown “Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.” –Anonymous “Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.” –Jeff Valdez “In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats.” — English proverb “As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.” — Ellen Perry Berkeley “One cat just leads to another.” –Ernest Hemmingway “Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.” –Mary Bly “Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.” –Joseph Wood Krutch “People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life.” –Faith Resnick “There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.” –Anonymous “I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.” –Hippolyte Taine “No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me.” –Unknown “There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.” –Albert Schweitzer “The cat has too much spirit to have no heart.” — Ernest Menaul “Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.” “Time spent with cats is never wasted.” –Colette “Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.” –Missy Dizick “You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats.” –Colonial American proverb “Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.” –Joseph Wood Krutch “I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic” “My husband said it was either him or the cat … I miss him sometimes.” “Dogs have owners….cats have a staff”.

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.” She sleepily replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that sh*t?”

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any….a true story… We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked: “So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?” Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard

Where does Santa stash his money? In a snowbank.

A young man got a license to trap furs for the winter in Alaska. After buying supplies in a local town he went into a nearby saloon. Approaching the bartender he asked, “Is there any action to be had in this town?” “What do you mean, action?” asked the bartender. “I mean, are there any women,” said the trapper. “No, but there’s always old Joe,” replied the bartender. “No thanks,” said the trapper. “I don’t go for that kind of stuff.” The next spring the trapper came back into town. After being snowed in for nine months he was in a slightly different frame of mind. He walked into the bar and asked, “Is there any action in town?” “There’s still old Joe,” replied the bartender. “If I were to go for old Joe,” he asked, “Who would have to know about it?” “Well,” said the bartender, “there’s you, me, old Joe of course, and these three guys sitting at the other end of the bar.” “What do we need those three guys for?” asked the trapper. “To hold old Joe,” replied the bartender. “He don’t go for that kind of stuff, either.”

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite.

Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. “I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife. “No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied. “No, I’m sure it was just rain” he said. We, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking towards them. “Let’s not fight about it,” the husband said, “let’s ask Comrade Rudolph whether it’s officially raining or snowing.” As the official approached, the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it official raining or snowing?” “It’s raining, of course,” he replied, and walked on. But the woman insisted, “I know that felt like snow!” To which the man quietly replied: “Rudolph the Red knows rain dear.”

Q: What did the snowman say to the other snowman? A: “Do you smell carrot?”

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy’s horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. “Hold on there, partner,” said the snake, “don’t shoot- I’m an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don’t shoot me, I’ll give you any three wishes you want.” The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake’s striking range. He said, “OK, first, I’d like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I’d like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I’d like sexual equipment like this here horse I’m riding.” The rattlesnake said, “All right, when you get back to the bunk house you’ll have all three wishes.” The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted… “Oh My God… I was riding the MARE!

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the snow for too long? Polaroids.

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.” She sleepily replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that sh*t?”

what did one snowman say to the other snowman? can you smell carrots?

Q: What did Snow White say when she dropped off her film? A: “Some day my prints will come.”

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?” The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City.” Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.” The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years.” Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.” “Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?” “Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”

An elderly couple were walking about the streets of their home, Moscow.They each feel drops of moisture on their faces. The man says that it issnowing, but his wife is convinced that it’s raining. Finally, they seeGeneral Rudolph walking by, and the woman calls him over to settle the dispute.The general says it’s definitely rain. The man doesn’t believe him. Sighing,his wife tells him, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?” The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City.”Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom.” The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Next it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.” Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.” “Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?” “Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”

The Doily Box As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband’s ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it. For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. “My mother gave me that box the day we married,” she explained. “She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you.” Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she’d only been mad at him twice. “What’s the $82,500 for?” he asked. “Oh, that’s the money I made selling the doilies.”

Q: Where does Santa stash his money? A: In a snowbank.

Ways to Get Your Neighbor to Move 1. Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that you don’t have a phone. 2. Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and scream, “I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!” Then point at each one and declare them good or bad plants, while watering the bad ones. 3. Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house. (i.e., chairs, books, lamps, etc.) 4. Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans, if they ask why say, “Mine are full of bodies,” then stutter and say, “I uh mean other garbage,” walk away laughing hysterically. 5. Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they come close state that their is a 3 foot neutral area between the two yards. 6. At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say, “looks like they’re on the move again.” 7. When they’re watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit down with popcorn and a drink and ask them if they could open a window so you can hear too. 8. Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbors. Each day hack off a different part of their body. 9. Use your TV remote to change the channels on their TV from outside. If asked why, say you protest such programs. (The more educational the program the better.) 10. Dig shallow graves at night filling your yard with brown grave patches. Make markers out of household appliances.

In 1957, several cities were vying to host the 1964 Winter Olympics. Candidates had been eliminated to the point where the only two left were Singapore and Nevers, France. The French venue had an obvious advantage for the games, but the Singaporeans were eager to host the games in their country, so they developed a snow-making machine. Because of technical glitches, the machine produced snow only part of the time. The rest of the time it produced steam, and you can’t ski on steam. So they made a last-ditch effort to perfect the machine, knowing that the deadline for a decision from the committee was nigh. To bring moral support and entertainment to the workers, they brought in Elvis Presley, who mounted the stage and said, “Well, today’s the day your machine must produce snow. If it belches out steam, the games will go to France. So this is it. It’s snow, or Nevers.”

A Skier’s Dictionary Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: “What Zermatter?” Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse. Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury. Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: TWO bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident. Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling technique. It’s good exercise. It doesn’t require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It isn’t skiing. See Cross-Country Something-Or-Other. Cross-Country Something-or-Other: Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculpted drift. Exercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you’re prepared for the slopes: *Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climb a flight of stairs. *Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge with your skis on and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes. *Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet. Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so close-fitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape. Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia. Inertia: Tendency of a skier’s body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton’s First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws: * Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital bills. * Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don’t expect to encounter it again in our universe. * When an irresistible force meets an immovable object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear. Prejump: Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled prefall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a prescream and a few pregroans. Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins. Ski! : A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is “Avalanche!” – which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill. Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them. Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, “Why?” Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and paineth. Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed. Tree: The other method.

CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold. MODERN VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Then a representative of the NAAGB (National Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with “green bias,” and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings “It’s Not Easy Being Green.” Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the “Temperatures of the 80’s.” Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his “fair share.” Finally, the EEOC drafts the “Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act” retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the, government. Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday’s between 1:30 and 3pm when there are no talkshows scheduled. The ant loses the case. The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he’s in, which just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around him since he doesn’t know how to maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant’s food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of politicians announcing that a new era of “fairness” has dawned in America.

Just seen a snowman in Sainsbury’s looking through the carrots…Think he was picking his nose!

When it’s sunny I think beer garden…When it rains I usually go to the pub for a while….When it’s snowing I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beer…I’m starting to think I have a problem with the weather!

When it’s sunny I think ‘Beer garden.’When it rains I usually go to the pub for a while.When it’s snowing I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beer.I’m starting to think I have a problem with the weather!

Be thankful it’s not snowing…Imagine shoveling snow in this heat!

“What’s the Wifi password?”“snowwhiteandthesevendwarfs”“Why is the password so long?”“It said it requires 8 characters!”

I just had a terrible nightmare that I was trapped inside a snow globe…I’m okay though, just feel a bit shaken up!

I got trapped in the snow globe factory overnight…I’m OK, just a little shaken!

I’m making a horror film where a sadistic snowman sets death traps for other snowmen and they have to melt bits of themselves to escape.It’s called Thaw.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the fresh prints.

It looks like we got about 4 inches of snow last night … Or as my boyfriend calls it… 7.

I needed a password at least eight characters long … … so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs…

How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Follow the fresh prints.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?You look for the fresh prints.

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

What do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire?Frostbite.

What do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire?Frostbite.