1 I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. 2 There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. 3 Life is sexually transmitted. 4 Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 5 The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 6 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. 7 Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? 8 Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. 9 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. 10 In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it Normal . 11 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 12 Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever Comes out’? 13 If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? 14 Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? 15 If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? 16 If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? 17 Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? 18 Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? 19 Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 20 Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
- Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary couldn’t believe it! He said, “What’s wrong with you? We’re being boiled alive! They’re gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?” The other missionary said, “I just peed in the soup!”
- Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice. Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn’t remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky’s office with his trousers around his knees. As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice, “sack my cook”. And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.
- A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast. “Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?” she asks. He declines. “Thanks for asking, but I’m not hungry right now. It’s this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?” she inquires. He declines. “The Viagra,” he says, “really trashes my desire for food.” Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. “Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken, or tasty stir fry?” He declines again. “Nah, still not hungry.” “Well,” she said, “would you mind letting me up? I’m starving.”
- How do you make soup gold? You put in fourteen carrots.
- What can you sit on, brush your teeth with, and eat soup with? A chair, a toothbrush, and a spoon.
- I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?” Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.” If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
- Knock knock. Who’s there? Soup. Soup who? Souperman!
- Q: What’s the difference between roast beef & pea soup? A: Anyone can roast beef.
- Knock knock. Who’s there? Soup. Soup who? Souperman!
- Q: How do you make soup gold? A: You put in fourteen carrots.
- New Math Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon 1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower 1 million microphones: 1 megaphone 2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it….) 52 cards: 1 decacards 3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
- Growing up with a dyslexic father had its advantages. Whenever he caught me swearing, he used to wash my mouth out with soup!
- Last night I was sprawled out on the sofa watching TV when my wife called from the kitchen, “What would you like for dinner my love? Chicken, beef or lamb?”I said, “I’ll have chicken please.”She replied, “You’re having soup you fat bastard. I was talking to the cat!”
- I went to an outdoors restaurant earlier and it started to rain…Took me 3 hours to finish my soup!
- I got sacked from the Salvation Army soup kitchen yesterday…All I said was, “Hurry up for fucks sake, some of us have got homes to go to!”
- Off to University in an attempt to improve my Cuppa Soup making technique…I’m doing a Bachelors Degree!
- I made soup entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…It was a broth of fresh air!
- At University I studied cooking, particularly soups…I gained a Bachelor’s degree!
- BREAKING NEWSAn Italian branch of Heinz Soups has just gone into administrone!
- The actress always ready for soup is Reece with her spoon!
- I accidentally ate too much alphabet soup yesterday and had a huge vowel movement.
- I never thought that eating a bowl of Alphabet Soup could help me overcome constipation. But here I am, in the loo, having a massive vowel movement.
- Life is like a bowl of soup. You only get blown if you’re hot.
- Stay away from a place called, “Farm Fresh Restaurant”. I ordered the chicken soup. A rooster walked up and teabagged his ball$ in a hot bowl of water at my table.
- Had a bowl of scotch broth for lunch today… It was souper hot.
- I got sacked from the Salvation Army soup kitchen yesterday.All I said was,”Hurry up for fucks sake, some of us have got homes to go to!”
- Breaking news: An Italian branch of Heinz Soups has just gone into administrone!
- What font do they use for the letter noodles in Alphabet Soup?Times New Ramen.
- If we eat alphabet soup here what do they eat in Japan?Ramen numerals.
- I gorged on 14 cans of alphabet soup yesterday.Ended up having a crippling vowel movement.