Spot Jokes

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly, she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen, and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped. Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a sales person didn’t pop up right now. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, “Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?” Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?” Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, “Madame, I’m very sorry to say that if you farted simply from touching it, you are going to sh*t when you hear the price.”

A contestant on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win$1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money. As she suspected it would be, the million- dollar question was no pushover. It was: Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?” The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: “That’s easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo.” The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the logicalthing to do. On the other hand — the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. “I need an answer,” said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, “C: The cuckoo.” “Is that your final answer?” asked Regis. “Yes, that is my final answer.” Two seconds later, Regis said, “I regret to inform you that the answer is-…… absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!” Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. “Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you,” said the contestant. “Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was your assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way……how did you happen to know the right answer?” “Oh, come on!” said the blonde. “Everybody knows that cuckoos don’t build nests. They live in clocks.”

A blonde was standing on the river bank looking confused when she spotted another blonde across the river. The first blonde shouts to the other, “How do I get to the other side?!?” The second blonde shouts back, “You are on the other side!!!”.

Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car? So they can park in the handicapped spot.

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer’s house) and would always leave with a stringer full of fish. The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen. The farmer mentioned the situation to the game warden. The warden then started watching this man and all that the farmer said was true! The man would arrive at the lake in the morning and by early afternoon, he had a stringer full of fish. The warden dressed like a fisherman one day and approached the man. They exchanged pleasantries and the stranger asked the warden in disguise to come fish with him. They boated for 45 minutes and arrived at a secluded spot. The stranger then pulled out a stick of dynamite. The warden said, “I’m going to have to place you under arrest–I am a game warden and you are fishing illegally!” The stranger calmly lit the stick of dynamite and handed it to the warden. The stranger then said, “Are you gonna talk or fish?”

Men are like ……. Laxatives …… They irritate the @#%$ out of you. Men are like …….. Bananas ……. The older they get, the less firm they are. Men are like ……… Vacations ….. They never seem to be long enough. Men are like ……… Weather …… Nothing can be done to change them. Men are like ……… Blenders …… You need One, but you’re not quite sure why. Men are like …….. Chocolate Bars ….. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. Men are like …….. Coffee …… The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night long. Men are like ……… Commercials ….. You can’t believe a word they say. Men are like …….. Department Stores …… Their clothes are always 1/2 off. Men are like …….. Government Bonds …… They take soooooooo long to mature. Men are like …….. Mascara …… They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like …….. Popcorn ……. They satisfy you, but only for a little while. Men are like ……… Snowstorms ….. You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last. Men are like …….. Lava Lamps …… Fun to look at, but not very bright. Men are like …….. Parking Spots …… All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, “Hello.” I politely said, “This is Andrew. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?” Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You’re an assh*le!” and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ‘assh*le’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an assh*le!” It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic ‘assh*le’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I’m just calling to see if you’re familiar with the Caller ID program?” He yelled, “NO!” and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an assh*le!” One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his car window …so, I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first assh*le, (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW assh*le too. I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?” “Yes, it is.” “Can you tell me where I can see it?” “Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house, and the car’s parked right out in front.” “What’s your name?” I asked. “My name is Don Hansen,” he said. “When’s a good time to catch you, Don?” “I’m home every evening after five.” “Listen, Don, can I tell you something?” “Yes?” “Don, you’re an assh*le.” Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assh*les to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn’t as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Assh*le #1. “Hello.” “You’re an assh*le!” (But I didn’t hang up.) “Are you still there?” he asked. “Yeah,” I said. “Stop calling me,” he screamed. “Make me,” I said. “Who are you?” he asked. “My name is Don Hansen.” “Yeah? Where do you live?” “Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black beamer parked in front.” He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.” I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, assh*le.” Then I called Assh*le #2. “Hello?” he said. “Hello, assh*le,” I said. He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…” “You’ll what?” I said. “I’ll kick your ass,” he exclaimed. I answered, “Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.” Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two assh*les beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew. NOW, I feel better! Anger management at it’s very best.

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. “Hey bartender” said the Engineer, “I’ll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there.” The bartender responded, “I’m sorry sir but that guy’s a commie and we don’t serve his kind around here.” “Well, you’d better because if it weren’t for that guy, I wouldn’t be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don’t believe me, look at the top of his head and you’ll see that it’s flat from holding the roof up.” The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: “I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn’t help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?” The engineer responded: “Oh…that’s where we put the jack.”

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley Davidson Motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage. “Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?” The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So, how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?” The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic….”Try doing it with the engine running..”

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, “Mom! That lady isn’t wearing a seat belt! HONESTY My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, “We better throw this one out too then, ’cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago. KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. “It’s the minister, Mommy,” the child said to her mother. Then she added, “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.” MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?” ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!” DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.” “And why not, darling?” “You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.” SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!” BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. “Mama, look what I found”, the boy called out.” What have you got there, dear?” With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said “Do you men know Jesus Christ?” They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled “Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?” One of the steelworkers asked why. The worker yelled “his wife is here with his lunch”.

Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living in Western Kentucky out on a farm up in the hills. Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn’t know what to do to empty the hole. Ma says, “Why don’t you go ask the young’n down the road? He must be smart ’cause he’s a college gradjyate.” . So Pa drives down to the neighbor’s house and asks him, “Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don’t know what to do to empty it.” The young’n tells him, “Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it’s in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.” Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree. All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite .. shooting the outhouse into the air. BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite … spreading poop all over the farm. WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole. Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, “Ma, are you all right??!!” As she pulls up her panties she says, “Yeah, but I’m sure glad I didn’t fart in the kitchen.

Q: What did the leopard say when it ate the man? A: That hit the spot.

A contestant on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the 32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, “Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?” The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend! Lifeline. The woman hoped she would not have to use it because … her friend was, well .. blond. She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: “That’s easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo.” The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand – the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. I need an answer,” said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, “C: The cuckoo.” “Is that your final answer?” asked Regis. “Yes, that is my final answer.” Two minutes later, Regis said, “That answer is … absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!” Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. “Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you! ,” said the contestant. “How did you happen to know the right answer?” “Oh, come on,” said the blonde. “Everybody knows that cuckoos don’t build nests. They live in clocks.”

A contestant on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the 32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, “Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?” The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend! Lifeline. The woman hoped she would not have to use it because … her friend was, well .. blond. She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: “That’s easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo.” The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand – the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. I need an answer,” said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, “C: The cuckoo.” “Is that your final answer?” asked Regis. “Yes, that is my final answer.” Two minutes later, Regis said, “That answer is … absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!” Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. “Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you! ,” said the contestant. “How did you happen to know the right answer?” “Oh, come on,” said the blonde. “Everybody knows that cuckoos don’t build nests. They live in clocks.”

Finally, a way to know what to pitch and what to save! THE GAG TEST Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night). EGGS When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime. DAIRY PRODUCTS Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can’t get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you’ve never purchased that kind. MAYONNAISE If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled. FROZEN FOODS Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled – (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife. EXPIRATION DATES This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you’ll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you’d benefit by having a calender in your kitchen. MEAT If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled. BREAD Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable “spots” that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. FLOUR Flour is spoiled when it wiggles. SALT It never spoils. CEREAL It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date. LETTUCE Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can’t get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid. CANNED GOODS Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully. CARROTS A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh. RAISINS Raisins should not be harder than your teeth. POTATOES Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth. CHIP DIP If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad. EMPTY CONTAINERS Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid. UNMARKED ITEMS You know it is well beyond prime when you’re tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them. GENERAL RULE OF THUMB Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name. “My name is Carmen,” she told him. “That’s a beautiful name,” he said. “Is it a family name?” “No,” she replied. “I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most – cars and men.” “What’s your name?” she asked. “Beertits,” he said.

Hillary Clinton is out jogging. she passes a young boy selling puppies. “Buy a puppy Ma’am?” asks the lad. “Oh no sorry,” says Mrs. Clinton. ” We have a cat already you know.” “But they are Democrat puppies, Ma’am” asserts the enterprising lad. Clinton smiles, but again declines. The boy nods, Clinton jogs on. The next day Clinton is jogging by the same spot. There again is the boy still trying to sell the puppies. As Clinton jogs by she over hears the youth telling the potential customer, “But sir these are Republican puppies.” Clinton stops & says “Young man yesterday you told me those were Democrat puppies, and today you are saying they are Republican puppies” “Well Yes Ma’am,” the child says. Hillary then asks ” well, if they were Democrat puppies yesterday, how could they be Republican puppies today”? ” Well Ma’am, ” explains the child. ” Since then they opened their eyes.”

Ten Signs Your Cop Partner Needs A Vacation: 10. Every Tuesday he insists it’s his turn to be the siren. 9. He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested. 8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he’d look good in a collar. 7. He wants you to call him “Judge Dredd”, and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot. 6. He talks to himself. Half of him is the “good cop”, and the other half is the “bad cop”. 5. He keeps asking me if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat. 4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers. 3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids. 2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel. 1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set “L” of lumber for a set “M” of money. The cardinality of set “M” is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set “M”. The set “C”, the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set “M”. Represent the set “C” as a subset of set “M” and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set “P” of profits? Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question? How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers. Teaching Math in 2000: By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment. Teaching Math in 2006: A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and when demand for their product is down the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3 weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move? Teaching Math in 2007: A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying costs?

It’s the first of April, and Joe is out of town on business. He returns home to find out that his wife is at the hospital in labor having their first child. He rushes to the hospital, and goes to his wife’s side. She has already had the child. He goes to the nursery to see the baby. He spots the name on a crib and motions to the nurse. She points at the crib and Joe says, “Yes, he’s my son.” The nurse picks up the baby and drops it on the floor. Joe is aghast. The nurse says, “Don’t worry.” She picks up the baby and slaps it hard across the face several times. Joe turns white in horror as she throws the baby across the nursery. Joe is about to faint as she holds the baby by it’s testicles and swings it around her head. Joe screams, “Stop you’re kiling my baby!!!!” The nurse responds, “April Fools… It was born dead…”

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be Able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

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A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers. They were being very affectionate. The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest. Looking at them, the wife said to her husband “I don’t know whether to watch them or the game.” Husband said, “Better watch them! You already know how to play volleyball.”

In California Unleaded gas went to $4.00 a gallon last Thursday. Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. Fortunately, an Exxon station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait, and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas, and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptist ladies watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, ‘If it starts, I’m turning Catholic.’

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump. “What can I do for ya’ll?” asks the attendant. “Fill ‘er up with high test,” replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he’s looking the car up and down. “What kinda car is this?” he asks. “I never seen one like it before.” “Well,” responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, “This, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille.” “What all’s it got in it?” asks the attendant. “Well,” says the driver, “It has everything. It’s loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine.” “Wow,” says the attendant, “That’s really something!” “How much do I owe you for the gasoline?” asks the driver. “That’ll be $30.17,” says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. “What are those little wooden things?” asks the attendant. “That’s what I put my balls on when I drive,” says the driver. “Wow,” says the attendant, “Those Cadillac people think of everything!”

Nobel Prize A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, “Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?” The farmer replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.” “How?” asks the man, puzzled. “Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field.”

What does Shakespeare say when he is angry with his dog? Out, out, damned Spot!

Ze Woman, She Is Dead! An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, “Ah, young love… ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers… C’est magnifique!”, and continued to watch, remembering the good old day’s that he’d once enjoyed. Suddenly he gasped and said, “Mais… Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!” before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief. He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted, “Jean…Jean…zere is zis man, zis woman … naked in farmer Gaston’s field making love.” The police chief smiled and said, “Come, come, Henri you are not so old, remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L’amour! Zis is OK.” “Mais non! You do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!” Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri’s story, and pedaled all the way back to call the doctor. He picked up the telephone and screamed, “Pierre, Pierre! This is Jean, I was in Gaston’s field, zere is a young couple naked having sex!” To which Pierre replied, “Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember…it’s spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L’amour! Zis is very natural.” Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, “NON, you do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!” Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, “Mon dieu!” grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools, jumped in his car, and drove like a madman down to Gaston’s field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station. When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, “Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British!”

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, “Once again the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans, thy sons and their wives.” He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.” Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard — but no Ark. “Noah!” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?” “Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. “I needed a building permit. I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. “Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. “Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentaliststhat I needed the wood to save the owls — but no go! “When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. I am required to apply for 834 different licenses to keep wild beasts on private property. “Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood. Further, the pitch to water-poof the ark has been banned by the EPA as inimical to the environment. “I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew. “Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The scaffolding to build the superstructure is not OSHA-approved and is forbidden to use except for private structures less than 5 cubits.. “The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. “To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. “So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 100 years for me to finish this Ark.” Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean You’re not going to destroy the world?”. “No,” said the Lord. “The government beat me to it.”

Why didn’t the leopard go on vacation? It couldn’t find the right spot.

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello. My name is Carmen.” “That’s a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family name?” “No,” she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose “Carmen”. “What’s your name?” she asked. He answered “B.J. Titsengolf.”

In California Unleaded gas went to $4.00 a gallon last Thursday. Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. Fortunately, an Exxon station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait, and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas, and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptist ladies watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, ‘If it starts, I’m turning Catholic.’

Irish greyhound racing authorities have banned trainers from giving dogs the anti-impotence drug Viagra in case it is used to boost their performance on the track…” and “… Viagra could be used to raise the dogs’ blood pressure and therefore heart rate, making them run faster in the early stages of a race.” If Viagra really does offer an advantage to these dogs, wouldn’t the whole plan backfire? I mean, come on, it’d be really easy to spot which one was going to be the winner, wouldn’t it? “.. and it looks like the winner is going to be Rover, by a nose… wait, that’s not his nose…”

A man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?” The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon hovering about 30 feet above a field.” “You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist. “I do”, replies the man. “How did you know?” “Well, everything you told me is technically correct, but is of no use to me.” The man below says, “you must work in sales.” “I do”, replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?” “Well, you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were in before we met, but now, it’s my fault.”

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver’s seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver’s window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, “Yes, officer?” “What are you doing?” the policeman asked. “What does it look like?” answered the young man. “I’m reading a magazine.” Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, “And what is she doing?” The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, “What does it look like? She’s knitting.” “And how old are you?” the officer then asked the young man. “I’m nineteen,” he replied. “And how old is she?” asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, “Well, in about twelve minutes she’ll be eighteen.”

A handicap parking sign does not actually mean that the particular spot is for handicapped people. It is in fact a warning that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris, and that you will soon become handicapped if you park there.

This not a widely known fact, mainly because of the little-known popularity of the celebrity involved. You have to have attained a certain age to remember “Tatoo”, the short person on the TV series, “Fantasy Island”, with Ricardo Montelban and Herve Villechaize. You remember………”The Plane, Boss, The Plane ” !!! OK. It seems before Herve’s passing, he established an entire neighborhood of fully furnished, high dollar, condominiums in Florida’s Dade County. These condo’s were explicitly designed for persons Herve’s size. Everything was miniaturized down to the last detail. The benefactor, (Herve), provided this community of some 150 condo’s expressly for “The Little People” to have a free haven for the gathering and support of each other in a completely ‘No-Rent’, ‘No Mortgage’ environment! This totally unselfish gesture was not highly publicized. But, it was recently uncovered that the advertisement for taking over ownership of one of the condo’s was first spotted on aisle 6 of the HABA section in the grocery store, and billed as………………… Stay-Free Mini Pads !

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey. “But I just haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a week, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull crap might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, “Once again the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans, thy sons and their wives.” He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.” Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard — but no Ark. “Noah!” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?” “Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. “I needed a building permit. I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. “Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. “Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentaliststhat I needed the wood to save the owls — but no go! “When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. I am required to apply for 834 different licenses to keep wild beasts on private property. “Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood. Further, the pitch to water-poof the ark has been banned by the EPA as inimical to the environment. “I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew. “Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The scaffolding to build the superstructure is not OSHA-approved and is forbidden to use except for private structures less than 5 cubits.. “The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. “To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. “So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 100 years for me to finish this Ark.” Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean You’re not going to destroy the world?”. “No,” said the Lord. “The government beat me to it.”

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead! ARE YOU READY FOR THE MORAL OF THE STORY? Never fly off the handle when you know you’re full of shi*t.

Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After “Brokeback Mountain”… 1. “I’m gonna pump you fulla lead!” 2. “Give me a stiff one, barkeep!” 3. “Don’t fret—I’ve been in tight spots before.” 4. “Howdy, pardner.” 5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind.” 6. Two words: “Saddle Sore.” 7. “Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like.” 8. “Let’s mount up!” 9. “Nice spread ya got there!” 10. “Ride’em cowboy!” 11. “I reckon this might hurt a little”

Man “Haven’t we met before?” Woman “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic.” Man “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?” Woman “Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.” Man “Is this seat empty?” Woman “Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.” Man “So, wanna go back to my place ?” Woman “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?” Man “Your place or mine?” Woman “Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.” Man “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?” Woman “It’s in the phone book.” Man “But I don’t know your name.” Woman “That’s in the phone book too.” Man “So what do you do for a living?” Woman “I’m a female impersonator.” Man “What sign were you born under?” Woman “No Parking.” Man “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?” Woman “Do not Enter” Man “How do you like your eggs in the morning?” Woman “Unfertilized” Man “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason” Woman “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!” Man “I’m here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.” Woman “You mean you’ve got both a donkey and a Great Dane?” Man “I know how to please a woman.” Woman “Then please leave me alone.” Man “I want to give myself to you.” Woman “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.” Man “I can tell that you want me.” Woman “Ohhhh. You’re so right. I want you to leave.” Man “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy Woman “Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.” Man “Hey cutie, how ’bout you and I hitting the hot spots?” Woman “Sorry, I don’t date outside my species..” Man “Your body is like a temple.” Woman “Sorry, there are no services today.” Man “I’d go through anything for you.” Woman “Good! Let’s start with your bank account.” Man “I would go to the end of the world for you.” Woman “Yes, but would you stay there?”

Heart Surgeon A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey Doc can I ask you a question?” The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open it up, take valves out, fix’em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?” The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, “Try doing it while it’s running.”

Mind Games for Dogs 1. After your humans give you a bath, DON’T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it’s right before your human’s bedtime. 2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.) 3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they’re talking about. 4. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go ‘poo’. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag. 5. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by. 6. Make your own rules. Don’t always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while. 7. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don’t greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don’t reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears). 8. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. “Wow…that looks deep.” “Sure does… toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is.” They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait… no noise. “Jeeez. That is REALLY deep… here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise.” They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait… and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, “Hey…over here in the weeds, there’s a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it’s GOTTA make some noise.” The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it’s legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they’ve just seen… Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. “Hey… you two guys seen my goat out here?” “You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!” “Nah”, says the farmer, “That couldn’t have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.”

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be Able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop. Q: Is beer or wine bad for me? A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables. Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to “spot” for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean? A: “Spotting” for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It’s an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you’re going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain-No Pain. Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer? A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you’ll probably stress yourself to death in record time. Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you? A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating? A: Thicker gravy. Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about trying to live a longer and healthier life…

Q: What does Shakespeare say when he is angry with his dog? A: Out, out, damned Spot!

Here in Kentucky, you don’t see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge——- into the wind he goes! Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin’ on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen! “Look at the size of that bird, Paw!” she exclaims. Paw raises up,” Git my gun, Maw.” She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG…BANG…..BANG…..BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops. “I think ya missed him, Paw,” she says. “Yeah,” he replies, “but at least he let go of Bubba!”

This not a widely known fact, mainly because of the little-known popularity of the celebrity involved. You have to have attained a certain age to remember “Tatoo”, the short person on the TV series, “Fantasy Island”, with Ricardo Montelban and Herve Villechaize. You remember………”The Plane, Boss, The Plane ” !!! OK. It seems before Herve’s passing, he established an entire neighborhood of fully furnished, high dollar, condominiums in Florida’s Dade County. These condo’s were explicitly designed for persons Herve’s size. Everything was miniaturized down to the last detail. The benefactor, (Herve), provided this community of some 150 condo’s expressly for “The Little People” to have a free haven for the gathering and support of each other in a completely ‘No-Rent’, ‘No Mortgage’ environment! This totally unselfish gesture was not highly publicized. But, it was recently uncovered that the advertisement for taking over ownership of one of the condo’s was first spotted on aisle 6 of the HABA section in the grocery store, and billed as………………… Stay-Free Mini Pads !

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor. The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you’re full of sh*t.

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.” She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be an Obama Democrat.” “I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?” “Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.” The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Republican.” “I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?” “Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”

So a guy calls into work and says, “I can’t come in today, I’m seeing spots.” “Have you seen a doctor?” “No, just the spots.”

Bubba Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them. “Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?” “Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, “Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!” Although impressed, Bubba’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba’s knowing Cruise was just lucky. “No, no, just name anyone else,” Bubba says. “President Obama,” his boss quickly retorts. “Yes,” Bubba says, “I know him, let’s fly out to Washington.” And off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.” Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. “The Pope,” his boss replies. “Sure!” says Bubba. “My folks are from Germany, and I’ve known the Pope along time.” So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss’ side, Bubba asks him, What happened?” His boss looks up and says, I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who’s that on the balcony with Bubba?”

HEADLINES FOR THE YEAR 2040 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. Baby conceived naturally . . scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon). Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 300 lbs. Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036. Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts. Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. Florida Voters still don’t know how to use a voting machine

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that the car’s oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, “It looks like you’ve blown a seal.” “No, no,” the penguin replies, wiping his mouth, “it’s just ice cream.”

Feline Physics Law of Cat Inertia – A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, ora nearby scurrying mouse. Law of Cat Motion – A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction. Law of Cat Magnetism – All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric. Law of Cat Thermodynamics – Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat. Law of Cat Stretching – A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken. Law of Cat Sleeping – All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat. Law of Refrigerator Observation – If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat. Law of Electric Blanket Attraction – Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light. Law of Random Comfort Seeking – A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room. Law of Bag/Box Occupancy – All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond. Law of Cat Embarrassment – A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter. Law of Cat Disinterest – A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him. Law of Pill Rejection – Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity. Law of Cat Composition – A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter. Law of Cat Elongation – A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it. Law of Cat Obstruction – A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic. Law of Cat Acceleration – A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop. Law of Dinner Table Attendance – Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served. Law of Rug Configuration – No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long. Law of Obedience Resistance – A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for her to do something. First Law of Energy Conservation – Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible. Second Law of Energy Conservation – Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping. Law of Milk Consumption – A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can. Law of Furniture Replacement – A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture. Law of Cat Landing – A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human. Law of Fluid Displacement – A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

There was this guy and he was driving along until he got a flat. He spotted a near-by farm and decided maybe they had a phone. When he got there he saw a farmer and a pig. The only thing was the pig only had three legs and a wooden leg where the fourth was missing. “Hey there, you wouldn’t happen to have a phone would you?” the guy said, still thinking about the pig. “Nope, no phones ’round these parts.” The farmer looked up at the sky just as the man noticed it was getting darker. “Well, I guess…ya can stay here for ‘da night. ‘Dat is if you likes.” Thinking about his flat he decided to stay. “I just have one question, what happened to that pig?” asked the man. “Well,..he been in a fire not ‘dat longs ago. Rescued all ‘da childrens too. Yep, ‘dat be one fine pig.”said the farmer. “Well, how’d he get like that? Did the leg get burnt….or what?” asked the man. “Nope, he didn’ get hurt.” “Then what happened to his leg?” the man asked getting more & more impatient. “Well,” the farmer said annoyed “everybody knows ‘dat you don’t eat a pig like ‘dat in one sittin”.

A man was strolling along the Beaches area in East Toronto when he spotted a bottle floating in Lake Ontario. The bottle drifted ashore. He picked up the bottle and opened it, and out popped a Genie. “Master, you have released me from my bondage in this bottle, ask any three wishes and I will grant them to you.” The man thought for a moment and said, “I would like the following three things to happen this year — The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup, the Toronto Blue Jays win the World Series and The Toronto Raptors win the NBA title.” The Genie thought about this for a moment and jumped back into the bottle.

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. “You simpleton!” the officer barked. “Don’t you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?” “Yes sir,” the solder answered apologetically. “But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, “Let’s eat one now and save the other until winter’ —that did it.”

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said “Do you men know Jesus Christ?” They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled “Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?” One of the steelworkers asked why. The worker yelled “his wife is here with his lunch”.

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!” The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!” Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim and shoots, killing the alligator and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it’s back, and frustrated, shouts out, “Damn it, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!!”

There’s this guy named Jacob. His favorite color is green. He drives a green car, he has a green house, he lives in Greensboro. One day, he’s out driving in the middle of nowhere when he realizes that he’s about to run out of gas. He spots a green gas station up ahead and thinks to himself “That gas station is my favorite color, so I’ll go get gas there.” After he fills his car up he sees that it’s getting late outside so he looks around for a hotel he can stay at. Sure enough, there’s a green hotel right across the street. He thinks to himself “That hotel is my favorite color, so I’ll stay there for the night.” He drives across the street to the hotel and walks into the lobby where he is greeted by the clerk. Jacob asks if there are any rooms left and the clerk responds, “You’re just in time, we have only three rooms left but they are all on the 9,999th floor.” Jacob reluctantly takes the key to the room and walks up the 9,999 flights of stairs when he realizes that he left his luggage in the lobby. He walks down the 9,999 flights of stairs, grabs his luggage, walks back up the 9,999 flights of stairs and enters his room. There’s this guy named Mason. His favorite color is red. He drives a red car, he has a red house, he lives in Redding. One day, he’s out driving in the middle of nowhere when he realizes that he’s about to run out of gas. He spots a red gas station up ahead and thinks to himself “That gas station is my favorite color, so I’ll go get gas there.” After he fills his car up he sees that it’s getting late outside so he looks around for a hotel he can stay at. Sure enough, there’s a green hotel right across the street. He thinks to himself “That hotel isn’t my favorite color, but I’ll stay there since there are no other hotels around.” He drives across the street to the hotel and walks into the lobby where he is greeted by the clerk. Mason asks if there are any rooms left and the clerk responds, “You’re just in time, we have only two rooms left but they are both on the 9,999th floor.” Mason reluctantly takes the key to the room and walks up the 9,999 flights of stairs when he realizes that he left his car running. He walks down the 9,999 flights of stairs, turns his car off, walks back up the 9,999 flights of stairs and enters his room. There’s this guy named William. His favorite color is blue. He drives a blue car, he has a blue house, he lives in Blueville. One day, he’s out driving in the middle of nowhere when he realizes that he’s about to run out of gas. He spots a blue gas station up ahead and thinks to himself “That gas station is my favorite color, so I’ll go get gas there.” After he fills his car up he sees that it’s getting late outside so he looks around for a hotel he can stay at. Sure enough, there’s a green hotel right across the street. He thinks to himself “That hotel isn’t my favorite color, but I’ll stay there since there are no other hotels around.” He drives across the street to the hotel and walks into the lobby where he is greeted by the clerk. William asks if there are any rooms left and the clerk responds, “You’re just in time, we have only one room left but it’s on the 9,999th floor.” William reluctantly takes the key to the room and walks up the 9,999 flights of stairs when he realizes that he left his cat in the car. He walks down the 9,999 flights of stairs, gets his cat, walks back up the 9,999 flights of stairs and enters his room. The next morning, Jacob wakes up and walks down the 9,999 flights of stairs to go eat breakfast. He gets a bowl of Fruit Loops, walks up the 9,999 flights of stairs and goes into his room. Then, Mason wakes up and walks down the 9,999 flights of stairs to go eat breakfast. He makes some waffles, walks up the 9,999 flights of stairs and goes into his room. Then, William wakes up and walks down the 9,999 flights of stairs to go eat breakfast. He gets a bowl of Fruit Loops, walks up the 9,999 flights of stairs and goes into his room. The moral of the story? People prefer Fruit Loops to waffles 2 to 1

The Elephant and the Turtle An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river. “What did you do that for?” Asked a passing giraffe. “Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago.” “Wow, what a memory” commented the giraffe. “Yes,” said the elephant, “turtle recall”.

Everyone seems to be really good at spotting large Russian military helicopters…. I guess Hind-sight really is 20/20.

I asked my doctor if the spots on my chest were measles or chicken pox…He said he never makes rash decisions!

I was out driving last night and I started to feel a little bit horny, so I pulled into a well known dogging spot…I really enjoyed myself, but I think I failed my driving test!

The difference between men and women:Woman sees skid mark in toilet, grabs gloves, toilet brush, disinfectant and scrubs furiously until the toilet is spotless!Man sees skid mark in toilet, pulls out dick and tries to piss until it’s clean!

I heard today that police are going to issue £100 on the spot fines for bad drivers….That’s a bit sexist!

There’s something very mysterious, yet intriguing, about a woman’s G Spot…I just can’t put my finger on it!

How can you tell if a treasure map was written by a pirate chicken?Eggs marks the spot!

Just spotted an albino Dalmatian…It was the least I could do!

I just spotted an albino dalmatian…It was the least I could do!

If a woman undresses in front of you, she’s either interested in you or sees you as just a friend…Or hasn’t spotted you in the tree opposite!

A ruthless pirate killed his wife and buried her alongside the treasure…Now his ex marks the spot!

My ancestors were pirates and hid a stash of buried treasure.The trouble is, instead of marking the spot with an X, they used a G…Can’t find it!

There was this fat, ugly, spotty kid in my class that I used to tease and call names…I think that’s what led to me losing my job as a teacher!

My house looks spotless, the garden is neat and tidy and I look ten years younger in the mirror. This can only mean one thing…I’ve lost my glasses again!

I went into the library and asked if they had a copy of the book, “How to spot a lady-boy”. He said, “I’m sure we do, it’s probably tucked away somewhere”. I said “That’s the one”.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and I spotted a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, “Morning.”He replied, “No, just having a shit.”

Asked the librarian for a book on the female G Spot. He couldn’t find it.

Before there was roofies, a caveman would just club a bitch and take her home. That’s why they call the hook up spot “The Club”

Adam, is working in the Garden of Eden, when the skies open up, and God appears spotlighted by a shaft of brilliant blue light.God asks Adam how things were in the garden:’Fine thanks’ replies Adam.’God’, inquires Adam, Why did you make Eve so beautiful?”So you would love her.’ Said God But why did you make her so dumb?”So she would love you.’ Explained God.

I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30’s not living up to his full potential…

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today , she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead , until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

Well I had close call last night! This girl I picked up at the bar, drove me back to her place. She looked like a lady, walked like a lady, even talked like a lady! But when she whipped into that parking spot perfectly…..I was like hold on somethings up!

If she high-five you after sex…marry her on the spot.

After years of searching for my girlfriend’s G-spot, who would have guessed her sister had it all this time!

At last I’ve managed to find my girlfriend’s G-spot! Who would have thought her sister had it all the time?

For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.

My girlfriend found a spot between her boobs this morning, the doctor eased her worries telling her it was just her belly button.

According to my current parking spot, I’m Chief of Police.

I got a tattoo in the bald spot on top of my head that reads “let go of my ears lady, I know what I’m doing”

England can’t win anything. Brazil took away their top spot of Most Embarrassing team.

BREAKING: John Terry spotted changing into his full German kit.

This is yet to be confirmed by scientists, but there are rumours that women have a certain spot’, and if you hit this spot at exactly the right strength, it will make a woman willing to do anything for you. It’s called the face.