Surgeon Jokes

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley Davidson Motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage. “Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?” The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So, how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?” The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic….”Try doing it with the engine running..”

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to the neurosurgeon and asked, “Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?” “Sure, it’s easy,” replied the neurosurgeon. “All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you’ll be a Newfie.” He was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the neurosurgeon’s knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patient’s brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient’s brain. The surgeon was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient’s bed as he recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him, “I’m terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain.” The patient replied, “Qu’est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?”

5 surgeons are taking a coffee break: 1st surgeon says, “Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.” 2nd surgeon says, “Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.” 3rd surgeon says, “Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded.” 4th surgeon says, “I prefer lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and butts are interchangeable.” 5th surgeon says, “I like engineers … they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end.”

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 “thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a very strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last even 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over toward Osama’s dog. Osama’s dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the America Dachshund at full speed. But when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened his mouth and consumed Osama’s dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all. Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, “We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world, and the biggest and meanest Siberian wolves.” “That’s nothing,” said Bush. “We had Michael Jackson’s plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a wiener dog.”

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it’s cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it’s cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund opened it’s mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. “We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.” “That’s nothing”, an American replied. “We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.”

Heart Surgeon A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey Doc can I ask you a question?” The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open it up, take valves out, fix’em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?” The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, “Try doing it while it’s running.”

A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was explaining it to a prospective patient. He told her, “I’ll install a special screw in the top of your skull. Your hair will cover it so it will be unnoticed. Whenever you need a little tuck, we’ll just tighten the screw a little,… and the wrinkles will disappear!” The woman was enthused and told the doctor to, “GO FOR IT!” The surgery was a resounding success, and the woman went home happy. A few months later, the woman returned in a great state of agitation. She pointed to her face and said, “Just look at these bags under my eyes! Where the hell did they come from?” The surgeon looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t BAGS under your eyes. Those are your breasts. And if you keep messing around with that screw,… pretty soon you’ll have a goatee!”

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. “I’m not quite sure it’s a duck,” he said, “I think that I will have to get a second opinion.” And of course by that time, the bird was long gone. Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. “I’ll have to do some more investigations,” he muttered, as the creature made good its escape. Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey’s identity. “Now, I know it’s a duck, but does it know it’s a duck?” The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma. Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon’s weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. “Go see if that was a duck, will you?”

The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon’s office. “You know, Doc,” he said, “I’ve made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand.” “And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions,” the medic said. “Hell, no,” the old fellow replied. “I want to borrow your Lamborghini.”

BREAKING NEWSA boy born without eyelids has successfully had surgery, taking away part of his foreskin to use as eyelids…The surgeon said, “The surgery went really well, although he will be left cock eyed!”

Me: “How did my surgery go?”Surgeon: “I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear.” Me: “Sorry?” Surgeon: “I accidentally cut your ears off!”

A bloke in hospital is recovering from laser eye surgery.The surgeon comes in and asks if he wants the good news or the bad news first.The bloke excitedly asks for the good news.The surgeon says, “Well, you are about to get a new fucking dog!”

My mate went for a penis enlargement yesterday. Apparently it’s now a foot. Worst plastic surgeon ever…

Granny knot, surgeon’s knot, hangman’s knot, square knot. I can’t do them, but my headphones sure fucking can.

If only plastic surgeons also sold class.

Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.

A woman wakes up after a vagnial tuck, to find three bunches of flowers on her window sill…One from her surgeon to say that all went well…One from her husband saying “Get well soon”…And one from Tommy in the burns unit saying, “Thank you for the new ears!”

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing his own incision?Suture self.

l asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anaesthetic.He said: Sure, knock yourself out!