Surgery Jokes

Johnny was working at the fish plant in Carbonear when he accidentally cut off all ten of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in St. John’s and when he got there the doctor looked at Johnny and said “Let’s have da fingers and I’ll see what I can do.” Johnny said, “I haven’t got da fingers.” “What do you mean, you haven’t got da fingers? For Pete’s sake it’s 2004! We got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn’t you bring da fingers? Johnny says ….. “How da fu*k was I suppose to pick dem up???”

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.” “My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

After a long night of making love this guy rolls over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the nightstand by the bed. Naturally, the guy began to worry. “Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously. “No, silly”, she replied, snuggling up to him. “Your boyfriend then?” he asked. “No, not at all.” she said, nibbling away at his ear. “Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s me before the surgery.”

A man was in a terrible accident, and his ‘manhood’ was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for ‘small, $6,500 for ‘medium, and $14,000 for ‘large.’ The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. ‘Well, what have the two of you decided?’ asked the doctor. ‘She’d rather remodel the kitchen.’

A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness she had in her youth. So, she heads off to the doctor for the procedure. Once the procedure is done, she wakes up to find three roses on her bed, and asks the nurse who sent them. The nurse says, “The doctor wanted you to know he appreciates the business, so he left you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he can’t wait to feel the results of the surgery, so he left a rose, too.” “What about the third rose?” asks the patient. “Oh, that’s from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to say thanks …for the new ears.”

After a long night of making love this guy rolls over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the nightstand by the bed. Naturally, the guy began to worry. “Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously. “No, silly”, she replied, snuggling up to him. “Your boyfriend then?” he asked. “No, not at all.” she said, nibbling away at his ear. “Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s me before the surgery.”

A highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn’t told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that takes everything with it when you pull it off. Written in large red letters across the tape was the sentence: Get well quick….. From the nurse you gave a ticket to last week.”

Jon’s working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room. The doctor says, “Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I’ll see what I can do.” Jon says, “I haven’t got the fingers.” The doctor says, “What do you mean, you haven’t got the fingers? It’s 1999. We’ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn’t you bring the fingers?” Jon says, “Well, sh*t, Doc, I couldn’t pick ’em up.”

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.” The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, “No money in the bank.” The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?” He said, “I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.” The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.” The patient replied, “Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

A man was in a terrible accident, and his ‘manhood’ was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for ‘small, $6,500 for ‘medium, and $14,000 for ‘large.’ The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. ‘Well, what have the two of you decided?’ asked the doctor. ‘She’d rather remodel the kitchen.’

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan created McDonald’s. And McDonald’s brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, “You want fries with that?” And Man said, “Super size them.” And Man gained pounds. And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds. And God said, “Try my crispy fresh salad.” And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds. And God said, “I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.” And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Cracker Barrel so big it needed its own platter And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds. And God said, “You’re running up the score, Devil.” And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, “It is good.” And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery….. And Satan created HMOs…

After a long night of making love this guy rolls over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the nightstand by the bed. Naturally, the guy began to worry. “Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously. “No, silly”, she replied, snuggling up to him. “Your boyfriend then?” he asked. “No, not at all.” she said, nibbling away at his ear. “Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s me before the surgery.”

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn’t told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence. “Get well soon…..From the nurse you gave a ticket to last week.”

Rabbi Bernstein was in a terrible accident, and his “manhood” was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the procedure, since it was considered cosmetic surgery. The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for “small,” $6500 for “medium,” and $14,000 for “large.” Rabbi Bernstein was sure that his wife and he would want at the least, a medium ..and perhaps even a large. But the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The rabbi called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the rabbi slouched over in the chair looking quite dejected. “Well, what have the two of you decided?” asked the doctor. Rabbi Bernstein answered, “She’d rather remodel the kitchen.”

A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was explaining it to a prospective patient. He told her, “I’ll install a special screw in the top of your skull. Your hair will cover it so it will be unnoticed. Whenever you need a little tuck, we’ll just tighten the screw a little,… and the wrinkles will disappear!” The woman was enthused and told the doctor to, “GO FOR IT!” The surgery was a resounding success, and the woman went home happy. A few months later, the woman returned in a great state of agitation. She pointed to her face and said, “Just look at these bags under my eyes! Where the hell did they come from?” The surgeon looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t BAGS under your eyes. Those are your breasts. And if you keep messing around with that screw,… pretty soon you’ll have a goatee!”

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked, “Do you have health insurance?” He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.” The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?” He replied, “No money in the bank.” The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?” He said, “I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.” The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.” The patient replied, “Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

Q: What does Star Trek’s Dr Bones McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde? A: Space. The final frontier……….

A gentleman was just out of surgery for a appendicitus. His wife sat calmly beside him holding his hand while she waited for him to wake up. A few minutes later she looked over and his eyes were fluttering. He opened them, looked directly at her and said “Hi Beautiful” and went back to sleep. Well, a little startled and blushing, the wife wondered what he was thinking as he hadn’t said anything that sweet to her in ages. A few minutes later, his eyes opened again, and he looked over and said, “Hi ya Cutie”. then proceeded to fall back to sleep. Feeling a bit hurt with the downgrade from beautiful to cutie, the wife patiently waited. When he woke up again, she said, “Honey, why did you downgrade me from Beautiful to Cutie just a few minutes ago.” And without missing a beat, the husband looked at her and said, “The drugs are wearing off.”

Ole vas vorking at da fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidently cut off all ten off his fingers. He vent to da emergency room at da Clinic and vhen he got dere da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, “Let’s haf da fingers and I’ll see vhat I can do.” Ole said, “I hafn’t got da fingers.” “Vhat do you mean, you hafn’t got da fingers?” the doctor cried. “Yumpin’ yiminy! It’s 2005! Ve got microsurgery and all kinds off incredible techniques. I could haf put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn’t you bring da fingers?” To vhich Ole replied… (Are you ready for dis???) “How da fock was I suppose to pick’em up?”

True or False 1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. 2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a bellybutton. 3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs. 4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it’s from being indoors a lot more. 5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart! 6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties. 7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute. 8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don’t appear until they are 2-6 years old. 9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines. 10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498. 11. The average housefly lives for one month. 12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year. 13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened. 14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute. 15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day. 16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep. 17. The REAL reason an ostrich sticks its head in the sand is to search for water. 18. The only 2 animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the Rabbit and the Parrot. 19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in “An Officer and a Gentleman” and “Tootsie”. 20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem. 21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used instead of real milk. 22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash. 23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor. 24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery. 25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins. 26. If coloring weren’t added to Coca-Cola, it would be Green. Answers: All of the above are true. Don’t you just love number sixteen?

Cancelling my surgery would mean losing out on the hospital’s fish dinner…It was a missed op or tuna tea!

Welcome to the Plastic Surgery Addicts group…I see a lot of new faces here today!

As the doctor went through my notes, he said, “The surgery has risks. You will almost certainly regain the sight in your eyes but there is a chance it will affect your ability to maintain an erection.”I said, “How come?” He said, “Well, your wife is very ugly!”

Doctor: “Relax David. It’s just a small surgery. Don’t panic.”Me: “But my name isn’t David?”Doctor: “I know. I’m David!”

BREAKING NEWSA boy born without eyelids has successfully had surgery, taking away part of his foreskin to use as eyelids…The surgeon said, “The surgery went really well, although he will be left cock eyed!”

Had a call from the doctors today. Apparently my blood test showed I have monkeypox…They asked me to swing by the surgery!

Me: “How did my surgery go?”Surgeon: “I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear.” Me: “Sorry?” Surgeon: “I accidentally cut your ears off!”

I phoned the doctors surgery earlier and the doctor answered.I said, “Hello Doctor. Is the receptionist there? I need some medical advice!”

A bloke in hospital is recovering from laser eye surgery.The surgeon comes in and asks if he wants the good news or the bad news first.The bloke excitedly asks for the good news.The surgeon says, “Well, you are about to get a new fucking dog!”

I lost my job shaving patients for spinal surgery…It was due to cutbacks!

As I laid on the hospital trolley awaiting my surgery, I asked the doctor, “How long will I be in hospital?”He said, “If all goes well, about a week. If not, about 45 minutes!”

Doctor: “Relax, David. It’s just a small surgery, don’t panic.”Me: “But my name isn’t David?”Doctor: “I know. I’m David!”

When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject, these days if you mention botox no one raises an eyebrow.

Welcome back to plastic surgery anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today.

Life sucks, I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don’t know what he looks like.

“Why do people get plastic surgery? Why can’t you just admit that it’s over? Stop trying to look fuckable in your 50’s.” @MaleHonesty86

Exercise, the poor man’s plastic surgery.

When it comes to cosmetic surgery, a lot of people turn their noses up.

Me and the missus are having laser eye surgery tomorrow. I’m not sure we’ll enjoy it…But we’ll see!

Doctor: Relax, David. It’s just a small surgery, don’t panic.Me: But my name isn’t David.Doctor: I know. I’m David.

Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.

A man rushed into a Doctor’s surgery, shouting help me please, I’m shrinking The Doctor calmly said now settle down a bit....you’ll just have to learn to be a little patient.

I remember a time when plastic surgery was a taboo subject, but these days when you mention Botox....no one even raises an eyebrow.

Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle…It was an ether/oar situation.

Doctor: Relax, David. It’s just a small surgery, don’t panic.Me: But my name isn’t David.Doctor: I know. I’m David.

Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I’d like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was……an ether/oar situation…