Taste Jokes

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. ~George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea … Visit people only once a year. ~Victor Borge What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce. ~Mark Twain By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. ~Socrates I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~Groucho Marx My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. ~Jimmy Durante The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. ~Jilly Cooper I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. ~ Zsa Gabor Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. ~Alex Levine Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. ~Mark Twain Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. ~Spike Milligan What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. ~Henny Youngman Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was ‘shut up’. ~Joe Namath Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~Herbert Henry Asquith I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. ~Bob Hope A woman drove me to drink … and I hadn’t even the courtesy to thank her. ~W.C. Fields It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth. ~George Burns The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good … spit it out. ~Unknown By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. ~Billy Crystal

Why don’t sharks eat clowns? Because they taste funny.

your breasts must think i’m good lookin cause they keep lookin at me. Hey baby, you keep running through my mind… naked. How much? They say nature is the greatest teacher. Wanna see what a doggy taught me? Do you know karate, cause your body is kickin. Do you have a map….I just keep getting lost in your eyes Hi…..I make more money than you can spend. The voices in my head is asking for your number, he’s kinda shy. Hey Sweetz what time do you get OFF? ???? Can I watch or do you need a hand??? I have Skittles in my mouth, wanna taste the rainbow? SHOW ME your melons and I let you play with my balls. Why don’t you come on over here, sit on my lap, and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up? I’m trying to determine after years of therapy and lots of testing, whether or not I’m allergic to sex. Just got a snake bite on my weiner, care to suck out the poison? That’s a nice dress. Can I talk you out of it? Let’s do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you? Well? show me your’s and then i’ll show you mine. My lips are chapped could I rub my lips against yours to moisten them? Do u wash your pants with windex? because i can really see myself in them. I may not be fred flintstone, but i can sure make your bed rock. I wish u were a screen door, so i can slam u all day long. My weiner is cold, can he hide inside you? Can I have your picture?.. So I can show santa what I want for christmas! You spend so much time in my dreams I should charge rent! Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need another drink? Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? (Pull your pockets inside out….) Would you like to? If I bit my lip would you kiss it better?

These great questions and answers are from the days when ‘ Hollywood Squares’ game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.. Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!) Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.. Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake. Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married? A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.. Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’? A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget. Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries. Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures. Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom. Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A.. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet. Q.According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

If Recipes were like tax forms…. * Line 1. Butter, a minimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not to exceed 1 (one) pound. (See line 4.) * Line 2. Sugar, light brown or white, unless you or your spouse had a financial account in a foreign country in 1990, in which case dark brown sugar must be used. Do not substitute molasses or honey. Use 1 (one) cup and adjust to taste. * Line 3. Eggs, six or half a dozen, whichever is greater. * Line 4. Semisweet chocolate, 6 oz. Nonfarm families may choose the optional method of using cocoa powder. If you elect the Cocoa Method, add 1/2 oz. (One Tablespoon) of butter to each 3 tablespoons of cocoa. Multiply by .9897 per ounce of substitution. For adjustments to sugar, see pg. 29. Add total of additional butter to Line 1 (above). Sugar adjustments should be reflected in final total of Line 2. For additional details on cocoa conversion, see Form 551. * Line 5a. Flour, white. If you were a federal, state or local government employee, you may be eligible for an excess flour tax credit. Measure 2 cups, sifting is optional. Line 5b. Flour, whole wheat, 1 2/3 cups. Line 5c. Alternative mixture: 1 cup white flour plus 3/4 cup whole wheat flour. * Line 6. Vanilla, 1 teaspoon. See Schedule ZE for reporting use of imitation vanilla flavoring. You may be able to deduct the cost of real vanilla extract in 1991 if you itemize deductions. * Line 7. Salt, 1/3 teaspoon (optional). If you are a head of household with dependents and were born during a leap year, you must add salt. * Line 8. Baking powder, 1 1/2 teaspoons. Use of baking soda will result in a penalty. See form W-Q. Line 8a. Walnuts, 8 oz., chopped. You may be eligible to use pecans or almonds. See Part III of Schedule PE, Itemized Substitutions. * Line 9. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (375 if altitude exceeds 5,500 feet). Be sure that you have turned the oven on before you begin assembling ingredients. In a bowl (2 quart capacity), cream butter and sugar for 3 minutes, or until well blended, whichever occurs first. (Note: If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method [see Line 4], add additional butter and sugar at this point.) * Line 10. Incorporate eggs, one egg at a time, into creamed mixture. If the eggs are from a farm of which you are the sole owner, you may be eligible for a Fowl Credit. See Form 9871m “For the Birds.” * Line 11. Add vanilla. * Line 12. In a double boiler, melt chocolate at low heat. If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method, disregard the preceding instruction and stir cocoa into the creamed mixture. Then stir in flour from Line 5a, 5b, or 5c, add salt (optional, but see Line 7 for exception) and baking powder. * Line 13. Add nuts, which should be chopped, regardless of type (See Line 8a). * Line 14. Pour batter into 2 (two) greased and floured 8 inch round cake pans or 1 (one) greased and floured 9×13 inch pan, which you should have prepared earlier. Bake in preheated oven (see line 9) for 40 to 50 minutes, whichever is greater. After removing cake pan(s) from oven, cool for 10 minutes (12 for 9×13 pan) and turn cake(s) out onto wire rack. When cake is completely cool, frost it. (To determine time needed for cooling, complete Worksheet on pg. 25.) See Form 873 for details on appropriate frostings. Note: If you weigh 20 percent more (or higher) than your ideal weight (see chart on pg. 19), ignore this recipe and complete Schedule F, “Fresh Fruit Desserts.”

One noted chef was a perfectionist. He made the most delectablemeals because he expected nothing less. Thus it came as a surpriseto one of his students that the chef used low grade spices. “Why doyou use the worst spices when you expect the best?” the studentasked him one day. “Wouldn’t your foods taste so much better if youused premium-grade spices?””I once thought as you do,” the chef answered. “When I was learning,I bought all the best spices — they were fresh and perfectly ground,no flaws whatsoever. But taken with their own perfection, they wereunruly spices, constantly fighting each other to be the dominant tasteinstead of working together. So I tried lower grade spices — theyweren’t so perfect, but they weren’t so intractable either. And so itis well to remember, my dear pupil, that a glitch in thyme behaves fine.”

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice. Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn’t remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky’s office with his trousers around his knees. As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice, “sack my cook”. And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

10. Your Viagra prescription includes a Popsicle stick and some duct tape. 9. The only 100% covered expense is embalming. 8. Your Prozac comes in colors and has little “m”s on each pill. 7. Preventive Care Coverage includes “an apple a day”. 6. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month. 5. The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy. 4. The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter. 3. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles. 2. Directions to the Dr.’s office include “Take a left when you enter the trailer park”. 1. The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter’s

Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.

“Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.” “I love cats…they taste just like chicken” “Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.” “Cover me. I’m changing lanes.” “As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools” “Happiness is a belt-fed weapon” “Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.” “Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.” “I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…. …Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car….” “Montana – At least our cows are sane!” “The gene pool could use a little chlorine.” “I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.” “Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!” “It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.” “When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.” “I took an IQ test and the results were negative.” “If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?” “Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!” “It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.” “Reality? That’s where the pizza delivery guy comes from!” “Forget about World Peace….. Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!” “Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.” “Give me ambiguity or give me something else.” “We are bom naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.” “Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.” “He who laughs last thinks slowest”

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it’s beef.

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on ‘Observation’. He took out a jar of yellow-coloured liquid. “This”, he explained, “is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to colour, smell, sight, and taste.” After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. “If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth.”

Why do Sharks circle you before attacking? Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship. “Follow me, son.” the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people . “First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.” And they did . “Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.” And they did . “Now we eat everybody.” And they did . When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?” His wise father replied, “Because they taste better without the sh*t inside!”

Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible. You make over $300,000 and still can’t afford a house. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English. Your child’s 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze. You can’t remember…is pot illegal? You’ve been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula. You can’t remember…..is pot illegal? A really great parking space can totally move you to tears. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don’t even notice. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag. You can’t remember…is pot illegal? It’s barely sprinkling rain and there’s a report on every news station about “STORM WATCH.” You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers. It’s barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. Both you AND your dog have therapists. You can’t remember…… is pot illegal???????

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I’m in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o’ my brothers and one for myself.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.” The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains. “It’s just that my wife had us join that Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking. — Hasn’t affected my brothers though!”

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Sally led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.” “Very good,” said the teacher. Little Jenny was next: “I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.” “Very good, Jenny,” said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467”, he said. “$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?” “Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny. “Toothbrushes,” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?” “I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “I set up a Dip & Chip stand I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like sh*t!” Then I would say, “It is sh*t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”

SYMPTOM – Feet cold and wet. SOLUTION – Glass being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM – Beer unusually pale and tasteless. SOLUTION – Glass empty. Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM – Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. SOLUTION – You have fallen over backward. Have yourself lashed to bar. SYMPTOM – Mouth contains cigarette butts. SOLUTION – You have fallen forward. See above. SYMPTOM – Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. SOLUTION – Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. SYMPTOM – Floor blurred. SOLUTION – You are looking through bottom of empty glass. Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM – Floor moving. SOLUTION – You are being carried out. Find out if you are being taken to another bar. SYMPTOM – Room seems unusually dark. SOLUTION – Bar has closed. Confirm home address with bartender. SYMPTOM – Everyone looks up to you and smiles. SOLUTION – You are dancing on the table. Fall on somebody cushy-looking. SYMPTOM – Beer is crystal-clear SOLUTION – It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. Punch him. SYMPTOM – Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. SOLUTION – You have been in a fight. Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them SYMPTOM – Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in. SOLUTION – You’ve wandered into the wrong party. See if they have free beer. SYMPTOM – Your singing sounds distorted. SOLUTION – The beer is too weak. Have more beer until your voice improves. SYMPTOM – Don’t remember the words to the song. SOLUTION – Beer is just right. Play air guitar.

Chuck Norris can taste lies.

According to the Knight Rider News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the US Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated as “Wash. Biol. Surv.”; until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and want to tell you it tasted horrible. The bands are now marked “Fish & Wildlife Service.”

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either. 2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound the make as they go flying by. 3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? 4. I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode. 5. Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. 6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. 7. Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it. 8. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue. 9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again. 10. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. 11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the hell is the ceiling?!” 12. My Reality Check bounced. 13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. 14. I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier. 15. You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. 16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, ‘cuz, like to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. 17. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo. 18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one: Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.” Wipe that smile off your face.

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest… and on, and on. One afternoon an orderly entered the room. “Time to take your temperature, General.” After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer. “Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end.” A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, “Stay exactly like that and don’t move. I’ll be back in five minutes to check up on you” and withdrew. An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, “What’s going on here?” “Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?” the general barked. “Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?”

These great questions and answers are from the days when theHollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!) Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake. Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married? A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’? A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget. Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries. Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures. Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom. Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army. Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him… Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet. Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~’Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’ — Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’ — Eleanor Roosevelt Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. — Mark Twain The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. — George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. – – Victor Borge Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. — Mark Twain By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. — Socrates I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. — Groucho Marx I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. — Bob Hope I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. — W.C. Fields We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. — Will Rogers Don’t worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you. — Winston Churchill Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty , but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. — Phyllis Diller By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. — Billy Crystal The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

1. It’s an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 8. It encourages carpooling. 9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care. 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 11. It makes fellow employees look better. 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. 14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. 15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing. 16. Employees work later since there’s no longer a need to relax at the bar. 17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas. 18. Everyone agrees the work is better after they’ve had a couple of drinks. 19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break. 20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked. (?) 21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union. 22. The janitor’s closet will finally have a use. 23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up. 24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as “gross.” 25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

Now while I enjoy the occasional nonsensical joke (Two ducks are sitting in a bathtub, one says, “Pass the soap,” so the other says, “What do I look like, a typewriter?”), that’s not why I find the “difference between a duck” joke so funny. Now a joke isn’t funny if you have to explain it, but so many people have been expressing their incredulity at it that I feel compelled to defend it (and hopefully clear myself of the charges of witlessness). I always thought it was a very unique kind of joke I haven’t heard any quite like it. First, I think the question itself is funny. Why? Because it just fails to make sense at the last moment. Any way you attempt to parse it you get thrown for a loop. I guess it’s a matter of taste whether you enjoy that or not. The first answer continues in that vein with the same singular/plural confusion: It would make sense if it was “One of its legs is the same as…” or “Both of its legs are the same.” Pieces of it make sense but not the whole put together I think it’s something like a linguistic equivalent of the Penrose triangle. Actually, I think it is the equivalent, because that’s exactly the same sense of amusement I get. The second answer is the same, but additionally you can have fun trying to visualize the ludicrous image of a duck banging its head together when it walks. The last one is just funny because it’s absurd. I can’t explain, just try to imagine acting it out to somebody. By now, apart from thinking the joke is unfunny, you’re also thinking what a loser this guy is trying to explain a bad joke and making a fool of himself in the process, so I’ll just shut up now. But not before telling you the one about… …the Buddhist who walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, “Make me one with everything.” … Oh, and when the guy hands him a hot dog, the Buddhist pays him and asks for his change. So the guy smiles and says, “Change comes from within.”

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist’s son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner’s daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner’s son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. “Is it wine?” she guessed. “No,” the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, ” Champagne ? “No,” said the little boy… “It’s a puppy!”

What did the first cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?

Never buy a ‘new’ brand of beer because ‘it was on sale.’ If we’re in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn’t mean we’re not watching it. Don’t tell anyone we can’t afford a new car. Tell them we don’t want one. Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials. Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment. Please don’t drive when you’re not driving. Don’t feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We’re just nodding, waiting for the punchline. The quarterback who just got pummeled isn’t trying to be brave. He’s just not crying. Big difference! When the waiter asks if everything’s okay, a simple ‘Yes’ is fine. It does not mean that is your chance to complain about the taste of the water and the salsa. What do you mean, ‘leering?’ She’s obstructing my view. When I ask, ‘How many guys have you slept with?’ It would be much appreciated if you did not answer honestly. When I’m turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying ‘Oh, this is our exit, Honey’ is not really necessary. When you’re not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself. The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it. SportsCenter starts at 10:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear? If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work? You probably don’t want to know what we’re thinking about. It’s in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together!

Baptist Cowboy A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Bud and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I’m in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.” The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains. “It’s that my wife and I just joined the Baptist Church in Sweetwater and I had to quit drinking …….. Hasn’t affected my brothers though.”

Things You Would NEVER Hear A Redneck Say “I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex” Duct tape won’t fix that. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken. We don’t keep firearms in this house. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? You can’t feed that to the dog. I thought Graceland was tacky. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe. Wrasslin’s fake. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? We’re vegetarians. Do you think my hair is too big? I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering? Who’s Richard Petty? Give me the small bag of pork rinds. Deer heads detract from the decor. Spitting is such a nasty habit. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today. Trim the fat off that steak. Cappuccino tastes better that espresso. The tires on that truck are too big. I’ll have the arugula and ridicchio salad. I’ve got it all on a floppy disk. Unsweetened tea tastes better. Would you like you fish poached or broiled? My fiance, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. Checkmate. She’s too old to be wearing a bikini. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen. I don’t have a favorite college team. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. I believe you cooked those green beans too long. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Moonbeam. Elvis who?

Things You WON’T Hear Down South I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. Duct tape won’t fix that. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy. We don’t keep firearms in this house. Who cares who won the Civil War? You can’t feed that to the dog. Too many deer heads detract from the decor. Spittin’ is such a nasty habit. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today. Trim the fat off that steak. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? I thought Graceland was tacky. No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe. Honey, we don’t need another dog. Would you like your fish poached or broiled? Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? Wrestling is fake. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. The tires on that truck are too big. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts, and would you please bring my salad dressing on the side? Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen. I don’t have a favorite college team. You All. Nope, no more for me. I’m driving tonight.

I went to the doctors & found out that my new doctor is young, female & drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed but she said, “Don’t worry I’m a professional I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong & I’ll check it.I said, “My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny!”

I walked in on my sister last night masturbating with a carrot. Can you believe that?I was going to eat that later but now it’ll just taste like carrots!

Yesterday I gave my wife a taste of her own medicine…I took her into 10 different pubs, only to go back to buy a drink from the first pub we went in!

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”

Air fryer question…What does fried air taste like?

Have you noticed that some herbs taste much better at Christmas?It’s the most wonderful thyme of the year!

What’s brown and furry on the outside, soft moist and tastes good on the inside, begins with “C” and ends with “T”, and has a “U” and an “N” in it? A coconut.

My mate said the drink I bought him tasted funny. It was a cheap shot.

Some people prefer to put the thermometer in their mouth, while others prefer it in their rectum. It’s a matter of taste!

Made a meal out of an old recipe book today. Just tasted like paper really .

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

Kissing is weird as hell. “Um I really like you so I’m going to taste the inside of your face for a little while.”

If you’re looking for me to be more tasteful and tender, marinate me in whiskey.

I met a farmer who genetically altered a chicken to have six legs so his kids didn’t fight over the drumsticks. I asked him how it tasted. He said he didn’t know. He couldn’t catch it.

Am I the only one who thinks water has that taste that no one can describe?

Oral Sex: A taste of things to come

Can’t figure out why my dog licks his balls. They taste fcuking disgusting.

You cannot taste me until you undress me. Sincerely , Banana

I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.

If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.

“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens

E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.

Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.

Luis Suarez has confessed he had planned on biting Wayne Rooney. However,he also said he doesn’t like the taste of shit.

Went to one of those cheap all you can eat Chinese restaurants last night and had to make a complaint to the waitress. “Excuse me, this chicken tastes really rubbery…” I said. “Ahhhh thank you very much, I get you some more!” She said.

When pharmacist gets sick……. Does the doctor give him a taste of his own medicine?

If u wake up on Christmas morning wit a weird taste in ur mouth…..remember Santa only cums once a year

Sometimes taste is not a flavor, and class is not something you attend.

Touch me, taste me, bite me, blow me, suck me, fcuk me, nice and slowly…but if you kiss me don’t be hasty…use your tongue and make it tasty !!

I have good taste, but I don’t have the money to prove it.

Why don’t monsters eat clowns? Because they taste funny.

Ever noticed that glass tastes like blood?

I made my wife a cocktail with fairy liquid in it…. She was foaming at the mouth when she tasted it.

Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?Because it’s a little meteor.

I was going to do a joke about the symptoms of Covid 19, but thought it might be tasteless!

I slowly got onto my knees, I put it in my mouth, I started sucking, harder and harder, here it comes I thought to myself, when it finally happened the taste was worse than I could imagine…I’ll never siphon petrol again!

Oral sex is a matter of taste!

What tastes better than it smells?A tongue!

Some would say that putting decorative soaps that look like food in their bathrooms is cute.But it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

My friend got a random nosebleed and commented how weird it is that blood tastes metalic.I said: Yes it’s pretty ironic.

My 12 year old son tried coffee for the first time today.“It tastes like dirt!”I told him it was just ground this morning.

Why don’t monsters eat ghosts?Because they taste like sheet.