Teacher Jokes

Teacher: “Okay, there are five birds sitting on a telephone line. A farmer comes along with his gun and shoots one of them. How many are left?” Little Johnny: “None Miss”. Teacher: “Could you tell me why?” Little Johnny: “Well Miss, when the farmer shot the bird, the sound of the gun would have frightened the other birds away”. Teacher: “Well, the answer I was looking for was four. But I like your thinking.” Little Johnny: “Miss, while we’re asking questions, could I ask you one?” Teacher: “Its a bit irregular, but go on then” Little Johnny: “There are three women sitting on a bench in the park eating popsicles. One of them is licking it; one is biting it; and one is putting it in and out of her mouth. Which one is married?” Teacher (rather embarrassed): “Err… I suppose it would be the last one.” Little Johnny: “Well I would have said the one with the wedding ring. But I like your thinking.”

Little Johnny goes to class one day to find that he has a substitute teacher. As the class gets settled the teacher writes her name on the board and says, “My name is Ms. Prussy, that’s P-R-U-S-S-Y.” Some of the kids in classs snicker and she says sharply, “That’s WITH an R!” So class goes by and the kids come to school the next day and there is the substitute again. She stands up in front of the class and says, “Okay students, who can remember my name? And don’t forget the R!” About five hands go up and Dirty Johnny is one of them. He is jumping up and down trying to get her attention. The teacher says, “Okay Johnny, what is my name?” To this Johnny replies, “Ms. Crunt, C-R-U-N-T!!”

When is a school paper not a school paper? When it’s turned into the teacher.

A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court.” He smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write ‘I will not run a red light’ five hundred times.”

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won’t come from a teacher, the library or the internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level. My long-passed grandfather’s birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives.The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give! Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I’d be a better man. Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was on 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I’d find a woman and start my own family. “And son,” he said, “be sure you marry a woman with small hands.” “How come, Grandpa?” I asked. “It makes your pecker look bigger.” Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary littleboy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing,destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down tothe bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friendshuddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them,”What’s the Purple Wombat?””You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” the children exclaimeddisgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy,always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy,confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children.”Hey, Mister Bus Driver!” one of the chldren shouted. “Billy doesn’t knowwhat the Purple Wombat is!”The bus driver turned around abruptly. “You don’t know what the PurpleWombat is?” he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in thevery back of the bus, all by himself.Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went toclass. Class proceeded normally; the students did the pledge of allegianceand worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then theteacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really payingattention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the PurpleWombat.Billy’s hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked,”Teacher, what’s the Purple Wombat?””You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” the teacher cried in alarm,”Get yourself to the principal’s office right now, young man. No, no buts –march!”So Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to theprincipal’s office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, andtimidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, satthe principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thinmustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough tofrighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost totears.”Well, Billy,” he began slowly. “What seems to be the problem?””Mr. Principal, I just don’t know what’s going on today. Everyone’s beenacting weird, and they’re all treating me really badly. Like teacher justsent me to you and stuff.””Now, Billy, I’m here to help you. I’m the princi-Pal, after all.Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone’s acting so strangely?””It’s because I don’t know what some stupid Purple Wombat is.””What? You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is? That’s it. I am callingyour mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended.”The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home.Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother wasstanding in the doorway waiting for him.”Billy!” she called, sobbing, “I was so worried about you! What happened?””Mom,” Billy cried, “Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in theback of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal’soffice and the principal suspended me, all because I don’t know what thePurple Wombat is!””What? You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” Billy’s mother shrieked.”Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!”So Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed,crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doorsshutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talkingdownstairs but didn’t know what they were saying. Then he heard footstepscoming up the stairs, and his door opened.”Billy,” his father began in that lecturing-father tone, “Your mother saysyou’ve been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you’ve done?””Dad, I haven’t done anything! I just don’t know what the Purple Wombat is!””You…don’t know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you canjust stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!”Billy’s father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on hisbed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way — lyingthere, crying, wishing he would wake up.Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said:”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy.”Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find thesource of the voice, but he could not.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy.”It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on,opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat.”Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He gotto the edge of a wood.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy.”The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and veryfrightening, but Billy didn’t care. He had to find out what the PurpleWombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy.”Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he keptfalling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going,driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy.”Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the townlake.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I’m out here, Billy.”It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboatsfrom the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, itwas very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy.”The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, andthe boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way acrossthe lake, he heard: “Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I’m up here, Billy.”It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood upto look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn’tknow how to swim, so he drowned.Moral: Don’t stand up in a boat.

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil. After one day, these were the results: The first worm in alcohol – dead. Second worm in cigarette smoke – dead. Third worm in sperm – dead. Fourth worm in soil – alive. So the Science teacher asked the class – “What can you learn from this experiment.” Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said – “As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won’t have worms.”

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One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class “What part of your body do you think goes up to heaven first?” Two children rose their hand. One was little Johnny. Hesitant to pick on him she chose little Mary. “I think your heart goes first because, that’s were your emotions of love are.” “Very interesting.” replied the teacher. Seeing no one else had their hand raised but Johnny, she finally called on him. “I think your feet go up first.” Confused but relieved the teacher said, “Why is that?” Johnny replied, “Once when I walked in my parents room I saw my dad on my mom, and she had her feet in the air saying “Oh God!”

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny,Pat?” “I just saw one of your garters!” “Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days!” The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny, Billy?” “I just saw both of your garters!” Again, she yells, “Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don’t want to see you for three weeks!” Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. “Where do you think you’re going?” she asks. “From what I just saw, my school days are over!”

your breasts must think i’m good lookin cause they keep lookin at me. Hey baby, you keep running through my mind… naked. How much? They say nature is the greatest teacher. Wanna see what a doggy taught me? Do you know karate, cause your body is kickin. Do you have a map….I just keep getting lost in your eyes Hi…..I make more money than you can spend. The voices in my head is asking for your number, he’s kinda shy. Hey Sweetz what time do you get OFF? ???? Can I watch or do you need a hand??? I have Skittles in my mouth, wanna taste the rainbow? SHOW ME your melons and I let you play with my balls. Why don’t you come on over here, sit on my lap, and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up? I’m trying to determine after years of therapy and lots of testing, whether or not I’m allergic to sex. Just got a snake bite on my weiner, care to suck out the poison? That’s a nice dress. Can I talk you out of it? Let’s do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you? Well? show me your’s and then i’ll show you mine. My lips are chapped could I rub my lips against yours to moisten them? Do u wash your pants with windex? because i can really see myself in them. I may not be fred flintstone, but i can sure make your bed rock. I wish u were a screen door, so i can slam u all day long. My weiner is cold, can he hide inside you? Can I have your picture?.. So I can show santa what I want for christmas! You spend so much time in my dreams I should charge rent! Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need another drink? Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? (Pull your pockets inside out….) Would you like to? If I bit my lip would you kiss it better?

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his flying days during the war. “In 1942,” he says, “the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, ” he continues, “one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared. (At this point, several of the children giggle.) I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me.” At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, “I think I should point out that ‘Fokker’ was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company” “That’s true,” says the pilot, “but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidt’s.”

A first grade class comes in from recess. Teacher asks Alice: “What did you do at recess?” Alice says, “I played in the sand box.” Teacher says “that’s good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write ‘sand’ correctly, I’ll give you a fresh-baked cookie.” She does and gets a cookie. Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess. Billy says, “I played with Alice in sand box.” Teacher says, “Good. If you write ‘Box” correctly on blackboard, I’ll give you a fresh baked cookie.” Billy does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess. He says, “I tried to play with Alice and Billy, but they threw rocks at me.” Teacher says, “Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write ‘blatant racial discrimination’ I’ll give you a cookie.”

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?” Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”

Times change. Recently there was a demonstration by a large number of students at several Howard County high schools in Columbia. The students were protesting the fact the teachers got paid, when it was they who did all the work.

What happened when the teacher fell in the copier? She was beside herself.

Q: Why did the schoolteacher who was in love with head of the school take out a loan with the bank? A: Because she had an interest in the principal.

A gynecologist who had lost interest in his medical practice decided to change careers and enrolled in auto mechanic school. He performed well in the course but was still shocked when he got an off-the-chart 200 on his final exam. He asked the instructor to explain the grade. “I gave you 50 points for taking the engine apart correctly,” the teacher said, “50 points for putting it back together correctly — and an extra 100 points for doing it all through the muffler.”

A teacher asks her class, ”If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny. ”None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.” The teacher replies, ”The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.” Then Little Johnny says, ”I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?” The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ”Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.” ”The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on…but I like your thinking.’

“Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.” “I love cats…they taste just like chicken” “Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.” “Cover me. I’m changing lanes.” “As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools” “Happiness is a belt-fed weapon” “Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.” “Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.” “I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…. …Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car….” “Montana – At least our cows are sane!” “The gene pool could use a little chlorine.” “I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.” “Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!” “It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.” “When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.” “I took an IQ test and the results were negative.” “If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?” “Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!” “It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.” “Reality? That’s where the pizza delivery guy comes from!” “Forget about World Peace….. Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!” “Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.” “Give me ambiguity or give me something else.” “We are bom naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.” “Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.” “He who laughs last thinks slowest”

Q: Why was the teacher cross-eyed? A: He couldn’t control his pupils.

For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to conduct a survey. He chose to find out peoples’ favorite pastimes. The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building near the university. He knocked on the first door and a man answered. “Sir, what is your name?” asked the student. “John.” “Sir, I’m doing a school study and would like to know what is your favorite pastime?” “Watching bubbles in the bath,” came the reply. He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he came to the next door. He asked again, “Sir, what is your name ?” “Jeff.” “Sir, Would you please tell me your favorite pastime?” “Watching bubbles in a bath,” was the answer. Quite amused and confused, he went on to ask a good number of people in the building and all of them had the same pastime… “watching bubbles in a bath”. He left the building and walked across the street where there were several row houses, to continue the survey. At the first house, he knocks and an attractive girl opens the door. Our surveyor starts again – “What is your name?” “Bubbles.”

Q: What did the angry inflatable teacher say to the irresponsible inflatable child in the inflatable school? A: Not only have you let me down, you’ve let yourself down, and you’ve let the whole school down!

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. “It’s a period,” reported Johnnie. “Well I can see that,” she said, “But what is so exciting about a period.” “Damned if I know,” said Johnnie, “But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.”

A Sunday School teacher read a passage from the Old Testament book of Jonah to her class: “And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying ‘I called to the Lord our of my distress and He answered me.’ … and the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land.” (Jonah 1:17 — 2:2, 10) When she had finished reading, the teacher said, “Now, children, you have heard the Bible story of Jonah and the whale. What does this story teach us?” Ten-year-old Mark shouted out: “You can’t keep a good man down!”

A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing, To which the boy replied, “Yes he did. Dad said he didn’t have enough bait for both of us.”

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, “When you’re lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?” The first guy immediately responds, “I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man.” The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow.” The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, “I guess I’d like to hear them say, ‘Look, he’s moving!’”

During the banquet celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. “Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?” Tom responds, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness, and many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single in the first place.”

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!” The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. “Yes?” replied the teacher. “Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. ‘Human beings are the only animals that stutter’, she says. A little girl raises her hand. ‘I had a kitty-cat who stuttered’, she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. ‘Well’, she began, ‘I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!’ ‘That must’ve been scary’, said the teacher. ‘It sure was’, said the little girl. ‘My kitty raised his back, went ‘Fffff, Fffff, Fffff’…And before he could say ‘F*ck’, the Rottweiler ate him!’ The teacher wet her pants laughing…….

Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible. You make over $300,000 and still can’t afford a house. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English. Your child’s 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze. You can’t remember…is pot illegal? You’ve been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula. You can’t remember…..is pot illegal? A really great parking space can totally move you to tears. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don’t even notice. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag. You can’t remember…is pot illegal? It’s barely sprinkling rain and there’s a report on every news station about “STORM WATCH.” You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers. It’s barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. Both you AND your dog have therapists. You can’t remember…… is pot illegal???????

Dear Abby Admitted She Was At A Loss To Answer The Following! Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese? Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR? Dear Abby, I have a man I can’t trust. He cheats so much, I’m not even sure the baby I’m carrying is his. Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to discuss money with him. Dear Abby, I’ve suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now how do I get out? Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy. Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn’t know he drank until one night he came home sober. Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause. Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do? Remember these people can vote, which probably explains the current situation in Washington, DC.

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn’t have to go to school the following Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher asks, “How many grains of sand are in the beach?” Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, “How many stars are in the sky?” and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, “Here’s this week’s question,” Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing. The teacher says, ” Okay, who’s the comedian with the black balls?” Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, “Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!”

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, “Leave me alone!” They both jumped back, silenced. “Whaa??” the teacher blubbered. Then I typed, “I said leave me alone!” The kid got really upset. “I didn’t do anything to it, I swear!” It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. Me: “Don’t touch me!” Her: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit your keys that hard.” Me: “Who do you think you are anyway?!” Etc. Finally, I couldn’t contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realised what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, “Where is Jesus today?” Steven raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.” Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.” Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!!!” The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said, “Well…every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?’!”

One day little Johnny went to school. His teacher said they were going to play a game. She would place an object behind her and describe it. The first person to get it got a piece of candy. First she said, “The object is red and grows on trees.” A kid raised his hand and said “an apple” the teacher said correct. Then she said, “The object is flat and comes in different colors” a different kid raises his hand and said it is a notebook! The teacher said correct. Then Johnny said, “ooh! ooh! Can I try?” The teacher said yes. He stood up and put his hand in his pocket. He said “The object is round, hard, and has a head on it.” The teacher said “JOHNNY! GO TO THE OFFICE!!” Johnny said, “No it’s a quarter!”

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school!” “But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.” “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.” “Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!” “Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.” “Give me two reasons why I should go to school.” “Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the PRINCIPAL!”

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.” “Yes,” the class said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “Because your feet aren’t empty.”

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man….She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators…

A chemistry instructor wanted to teach his ninth grade class about the evils of liquor, so he created an experiment to make the point. Producing two glasses and two small worms, he first poured a small amount of water into one of the glasses. Putting in the first worm, he asked the class to observe it carefully. Of course, the worm swam about happily — or as happy as a worm can be. Then he took the second glass, poured in a small amount of whiskey and dropped in the remaining worm. This worm writhed around painfully and sank to the bottom of the glass dead. “Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?”, the teacher asked. One kid had the answer right away, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students: “Students, If you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady,how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom? Michael?” Michael: “Just a minute, I have to go pee.” Teacher: “That would be rude and impolite!!! Teacher: “What about you Peter, how would you say it?” Peter: “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.” Teacher: “That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?” Johnny: “I would say: ‘Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope you’ll get to meet after supper. ” The teacher fainted!!

A high-school geometry teacher, started one lesson on triangles by reading a theorem. “If an angle is an exterior angle of a triangle, then its measure is greater than the measure of either of its corresponding remote interior angles.” He noticed that one student wasn’t taking notes and asked him why. “Well,” he replied sincerely, “I’m waiting until you start speaking English.”

There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him an addition question. So the uncle asked, “What is three plus four?” The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, “Seven.” The uncle said, “Listen kid, you can’t count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets.” So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, “What is five plus five?” The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said, “Eleven.”

Q: What happened when the teacher fell in the copier? A: She was beside herself.

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Sally led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.” “Very good,” said the teacher. Little Jenny was next: “I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.” “Very good, Jenny,” said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467”, he said. “$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?” “Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny. “Toothbrushes,” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?” “I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “I set up a Dip & Chip stand I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like sh*t!” Then I would say, “It is sh*t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”

A math teacher had a bird, and he trained it to talk. One day it escaped, and he yelled out the window, “Polly gone! Polly gone!”

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn’t have to go to school the following Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher asks, “How many grains of sand are in the beach?” Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, “How many stars are in the sky?” and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little johny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, little johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, “Here’s this week’s question,” little johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing. The teacher says, ” Okay, who’s the comedian with the black balls?” Immediately, little johnny stands up and says, “Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!”

Why was the teacher cross-eyed? He couldn’t control his pupils.

A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny. He replies, “None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.” The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.” Then little Johhny says, “I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?” The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.” To which Little Johnny replied, “The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on’, but I like your thinking.”

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot. * Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control. * We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? * He who laughs last thinks slowest. * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. * It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. * Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. * Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. * I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. * All men are idiots, and I married their King. * Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. * Montana — At least our cows are sane! * Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. * Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs. * Where there’s a will, I want to be in it. * OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? * Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it. * I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. * Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. * Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students. * Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. * Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. * Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. * Give me ambiguity or give me something else. * We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. * Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. * Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. * There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t. * Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word? * Keep honking…I’m reloading * 2 Kings 9:20 *Dain bramaged. *Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway *Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel *Boldly going nowhere *CAUTION – Driver legally blonde! *Heart Attacks…God’s Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends *He’s not dead, He’s electroencephalographically challenged *How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost? *All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’” A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher; …she’s dead.”

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?” No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, “You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!” With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?” Little Mary’s mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!” The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?” Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.” Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued. “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: Number 1: You have a dirty mind; Number 2: You didn’t read your homework; and Number 3: One day you are going to be very, very disappointed.

“What’s the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?” the woodwork teacher asked Judi, the only girl in the woodwork class during the first day of school. Judi pondered the question for a moment, then replied, “Well, I can’t rightly say as I know, ’cause I ain’t never been ‘bolted’.”

It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for their teacher. A florist’s daughter came up and gave her teacher a box. The teacher said, “I’ll bet these are flowers!” The girl replied, “How did you know?” “Just a lucky guess,” she said. Next, a boy whose family owned a candy store came up and gave the teacher a box. She said that she knew it was candy. When the boy asked how she knew, she again said, “Just a lucky guess.” Finally, a boy whose father owned a liquor store came up and gave the teacher a box, but one of the box’s corners was damp from a leak. The teacher asked the boy if it was wine. The boy said, “No.” She touched the leak and put it to her tongue and asked if it was champagne. The boy again said no. Finally, she gave up and asked him what was in the box. He said happily,”A puppy!”

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot. * Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control. * We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? * He who laughs last thinks slowest. * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. * It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. * Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. * Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. * I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. * All men are idiots, and I married their King. * Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. * Montana — At least our cows are sane! * Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. * Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs. * Where there’s a will, I want to be in it. * OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? * Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it. * I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. * Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. * Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students. * Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. * Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. * Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. * Give me ambiguity or give me something else. * We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. * Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. * Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. * There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t. * Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word? * Keep honking…I’m reloading * 2 Kings 9:20 *Dain bramaged. *Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway *Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel *Boldly going nowhere *CAUTION – Driver legally blonde! *Heart Attacks…God’s Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends *He’s not dead, He’s electroencephalographically challenged *How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost? *All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

Dog Words The teacher was telling the class about plants that have the word “dog” in front of them: dogrose, dogwood, dog violet. She asked the class if they could name another flower with the prefix “dog.” Steven raised his hand and said, “Sure, Miss Jones, a ‘collie’ flower!”

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..” “Yes,” the class said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.” “Yes,” the class said. “Then why is it that while am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”

The ghost teacher was showing her class how to walk through walls. “Now did all of you understand that?” she asked. “If not, I’ll just go through it again.”

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?” No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, “You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!” With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?” Little Mary’s mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!” The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?” Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.” Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued. “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: Number 1: You have a dirty mind; Number 2: You didn’t read your homework; and Number 3: One day you are going to be very, very disappointed.

A seven year-old turns up in his classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher: “Morning Tommy, and why weren’t you at school yesterday?” “Well Miss, my Grandad got burnt.” “Oh Dear, he wasn’t too badly hurt I hope?” “Oh yes Miss, they don’t mess around at those crematoriums.”

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their “wee-wees” to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, “You must be in the fourth grade.” He replied, “No, ma’am, I’m riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race today.

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6 year-olds, because the last one is a classic! Better to be safe than…………………………..punch a 5th grader Strike while the ……………………………………bug is close It’s always darkest before……………………..Daylight Saving Time Never underestimate the power of………….termites You can lead a horse to water but…………..how? Don’t bite the hand that…………………………looks dirty No news is……………………………………………impossible A miss is as good as a……………………………Mr. You can’t teach an old dog new………………math If you lie down with dogs, you’ll………………stink in the morning Love all, trust……………………………………….me The pen is mightier than the…………………..pigs An idle mind is………………………………………the best way to relax Where there’s smoke there’s………………….pollution Happy the bride who……………………………..gets all the presents A penny saved is…………………………………..not much Two’s company, three’s………………………….the Musketeers Don’t put off till tomorrow what……………….you put on to go to bed Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and…..you have to blow your nose There are none so blind as……………………..Stevie Wonder Children should be seen and not……………..spanked or grounded If at first you don’t succeed…………………….get new batteries You get out of something only what you…..see in the picture on the box When the blind leadeth the blind…………….get out of the way Better late than…………………………………….pregnant

At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult,” Gonzalez said. “They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘there are 3 sides to every triangle”. When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes”.

Child’s Perspective on Retirement A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don’t know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don’t know how to swim. At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts. My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can’t get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck. My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker. I heard him mutter, “How did you get yourself into this?” Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support. “Are you okay?” I asked. “Can I help?” He lifted his head and replied, “I’ll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker.”

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, “Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.” Johnny looked up and replied, “Well, Ms Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

On little Larry’s first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, ‘I don’t belong here, I should be in third grade!’ The teacher looked at little Larry’s records and told him to please take his seat. Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, ‘I don’t belong here, I should be in the third grade!’ Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry’s problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of. The teacher suggested they try some biology questions… ‘What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?’ asked the teacher. ‘Legs!’ Larry immediately replied. ‘What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn’t?’ asked the teacher. ‘Pockets!’ said Larry. The teacher looked at the principal, who said, ‘Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!’

There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat. Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them, “What’s the Purple Wombat?” “You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” the children exclaimed disgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy, always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy, confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children. “Hey, Mister Bus Driver!” one of the chldren shouted. “Billy doesn’t know what the Purple Wombat is!” The bus driver turned around abruptly. “You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in the very back of the bus, all by himself. Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went to class. Class proceeded normally; the students did the pledge of allegiance and worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then the teacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really paying attention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the Purple Wombat. Billy’s hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked, “Teacher, what’s the Purple Wombat?” “You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” the teacher cried in alarm, “Get yourself to the principal’s office right now, young man. No, no buts — march!” So Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to the principal’s office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, and timidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, sat the principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thin mustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough to frighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost to tears. “Well, Billy,” he began slowly. “What seems to be the problem?” “Mr. Principal, I just don’t know what’s going on today. Everyone’s been acting weird, and they’re all treating me really badly. Like teacher just sent me to you and stuff.” “Now, Billy, I’m here to help you. I’m the princi-Pal, after all. Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone’s acting so strangely?” “It’s because I don’t know what some stupid Purple Wombat is.” “What? You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is? That’s it. I am calling your mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended.” The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home. Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him. “Billy!” she called, sobbing, “I was so worried about you! What happened?” “Mom,” Billy cried, “Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the back of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal’s office and the principal suspended me, all because I don’t know what the Purple Wombat is!” “What? You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” Billy’s mother shrieked. “Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!” So Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed, crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doors shutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talking downstairs but didn’t know what they were saying. Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and his door opened. “Billy,” his father began in that lecturing-father tone, “Your mother says you’ve been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you’ve done?” “Dad, I haven’t done anything! I just don’t know what the Purple Wombat is!” “You…don’t know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you can just stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!” Billy’s father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on his bed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way — lying there, crying, wishing he would wake up. Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said: “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy.” Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find the source of the voice, but he could not. “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy.” It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on, opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof. “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat.” Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got to the edge of a wood. “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy.” The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very frightening, but Billy didn’t care. He had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood. “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy.” Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he kept falling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going, driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name. “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy.” Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the town lake. “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I’m out here, Billy.” It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboats from the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, it was very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy.” The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, and the boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way across the lake, he heard: “Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I’m up here, Billy.” It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood up to look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn’t know how to swim, so he drowned.

A child in class, when asked to draw a picture of the Holy Family, produced a picture in which Mary and the baby sat on a recognisably donkeyish steed, led by Joseph. on the ground nearby lay a black blob. “What is that?” asked the teacher. “The flea,” answered the artist. “What flea, dear?” asked the puzzled teacher. “The one the Angel told Joseph to take.” Eventually, puzzled but not liking to challenge an imaginative child, the teacher checked out her Bible. And there it was : Matthew 2:13 “……the angel of the Lord saying, Arise, and take the young child and his mother, and flee into Egypt………..”

What the teacher says and (what the teacher means) 1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed informationfrom his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test). 2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability. (The hyperactive monster can’t stay seated for five minutes). 3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction. (He’s definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met). 4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don’t intimidate her. (The lazy thing hasn’t done one assignment all term). 5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination. (The little creep stung me with a rubber band from15 feet away). 6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers. (Your son needs to stop socializing and start working). 7. Your daughter’s greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions. (Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument). 8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers. (He’s a bully). 9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory. (Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond). 10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality. (She’s so immature that we’ve run out of diapers). 11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open. (He must have written the Whiner’s Guide). 12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year’s repetition of her learning environment. (Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade). 13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking).

Smart Ass Answer #5: A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, instead he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat….she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.” Smart Ass Answer #4: A lady was shopping for a turkey at the grocery store, but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied,” No ma’am they’re dead. Smart Ass Answer #3: The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. “I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said. The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.” When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. Smart Ass Answer #2: A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, “Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it, the bridge is right Ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks up to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,”Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.” #1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005 . A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. “Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!” A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?” The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is finally restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, ‘You must be in year four.’ ‘No, missus,’ he replied. ‘I’m riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.’

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A little while into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a frustrated look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, “Leave me alone!” They both jumped back, silenced. “Whaaa??” the teacher blubbered. Then I typed, “I said leave me alone!” The kid got really upset. “I didn’t do anything to it, I swear!” It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. Me: “Don’t touch me!” Her: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit your keys that hard.” Me: “Who do you think you are anyway?!” Etc. Finally, I couldn’t contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

What did the angry inflatable teacher say to the irresponsible inflatable child in the inflatable school? Not only have you let me down, you’ve let yourself down, and you’ve let the whole school down!

There once was a boy named Jimmy. Jimmy was 8 years old old, almost 9. Jimmy NEVER got in trouble. So one day, he was doing art with his class at school and he broke the purple plate. His teacher said “Jimmy! You broke the purple plate! Go to the office!” So Jimmy went to the office, as he was told. When he got there, the principal asked him, “Hi there little Jimmy! Why are you here??” Jimmy told him about how he broke the purple plate. The principal said, “YOU ARE EXPELLED!” so Jimmy went home and told his dad about how he was expelled. His dad told him that he had to go live with the hobos because he broke the purple plate. Feeling glum, Jimmy went to live with the hobos. After a few days, he developed a good friendship with a man named Martin. He had purple eyes, which Jimmy thought was strange… One day, Martin gave Jimmy a dollar and told him to go buy some milk at the convenient store across the street. So Jimmy walked across the street and was his by a truck and died. What was the moral of this story? Look both ways before you cross the street or you will get hit by a truck.

New Principal As a new school principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox. Cautiously, he asked the school’s long time Custodian, “Do you think it’s wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?” The Custodian looked at him gravely… “We trust them with the children, don’t we?”

A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy’s parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room – with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. The boy walked in with his report card — unopened — laid it on the dinnertable and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red “A” under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son’s room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. “Was it the nuns that did it?,” the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, “No.” “Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?” “No.” “The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?” “Nope,” said the son. “On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the ‘plus sign,’ I just knew they meant business!”

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.” “Yes,” the class said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. “Yes,” he said. “I do. My father taught me.” “Good. What comes after three.” “Four,” answers the boy. “What comes after six?” “Seven.” “Very good,” says the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?” “A jack,” says lil’ Johnny

Little Johnny’s Numbers The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. “Yes,” he said. “My dad taught me.” “Good! Can you tell me what comes after three.” “Four,” answers little Johnny. “What comes after six?” “Seven.” “Very good,” says the teacher. “Your father did a good job. What comes after ten?” “A jack,” says little Johnny.

Little Benny was looking depressed, so his fourth grade teacher, Miss Feldman, asked, “What’s the problem, Benny? I hope it’s not homework again…” “Well, uh, yes it is, mam” replied Little Benny. “I made my homework paper into a paper airplane.” “Benny, that wasn’t a very bright thing to do,” Miss Feldman said, “but this once, I’ll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in.” “Oh, but it’s worse than that…” replied Little Benny, looking even sadder. “You see, the plane was hijacked!”

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with, “This was England’s finest hour.” Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, “Winston Churchill.” “Congratulations,” said the teacher, “you may go home.” The teacher then said, “Ask not what your country can do for you.” Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, “John F. Kennedy.” “Very good,” says the teacher, “you may go.” Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnnie said, “I wish those girls would just shut up.” Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnnie instantly rose to his feet and said, “Bill Clinton. I’ll see you Monday.”

Embarrassing Traffic Stop A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding. Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was. “I think you’ve paid your debt to society,” he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.

A teacher asked her class, “What do you want out of life?” A little girl raised her hand and said, “All I want out of life is four little animals.” The teacher asked, “Really, and what four little animals would that be?” The little girl answered, “A Mink on my back, a Jaguar in the garage, a Tiger in the bed and, of course, I’ll need a Jackass to pay for it all.”

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist’s son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner’s daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner’s son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. “Is it wine?” she guessed. “No,” the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, ” Champagne ? “No,” said the little boy… “It’s a puppy!”

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!” The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. “Yes?” replied the teacher. “Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic! 1. Don’t change horses >>>>>>>>>> until they stop running. 2. Strike while the >>>>>>>>>> bug is close. 3. It’s always darkest before >>>>>>>>>> Daylight Saving Time. 4. Never underestimate the power of >>>>>>>>>> termites. 5. You can lead a horse to water but >>>>>>>>>> how? 6. Don’t bite the hand that >>>>>>>>>> looks dirty. 7. No news is >>>>>>>>>> impossible. 8. A miss is as good as a >>>>>>>>>> Mr. 9. You can’t teach an old dog new >>>>>>>>>> math. 10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll >>>>>>>>>> stink in the morning. 11. Love all, trust >>>>>>>>>> me. 12. The pen is mightier than the >>>>>>>>>> pigs. 13. An idle mind is >>>>>>>>>> the best way to relax. 14. Where there’s smoke there’s >>>>>>>>>> pollution. 15. Happy the bride who >>>>>>>>>> gets all the presents. 16. A penny saved is >>>>>>>>>> not much 17. Two’s company, three’s >>>>>>>>>> the Musketeers 18. Don’t put off till tomorrow what >>>>>>>>>> you put on to go to bed. 19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and >>>>>>>>>> you have to blow your nose. 20. There are none so blind as >>>>>>>>>> Stevie Wonder. 21. Children should be seen and not >>>>>>>>>> spanked or grounded. 22. If at first you don’t succeed >>>>>>>>>> get new batteries. 23. You get out of something only what you >>>>>>>>>> see in the picture on the box. 24. When the blind lead the blind >>>>>>>>>> get out of the way. And the WINNER and last one! 25. Better late than >>>>>>>>>> pregnant.

Little Johnny & the Devil A Sunday school teacher asked Little Johnny, “Do you believe in the Devil?” “No,” said Little Johnny. “It’s the same as Santa Claus. I know it’s my daddy.”

God the Artist A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question. “Boys and girls, what do we know about God?” A hand shot up in the air. “He is an artist!” said the kindergarten boy. “Really?! How do you know?” the teacher asked. “You know – ‘Our Father, who does art in Heaven…”

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. *As you shall make your bed so shall you……mess it up *Better be safe than……………………..punch a 5th grader *Strike while the ……………………….bug is close *It’s always darkest before……………….daylight savings time *You can lead a horse to water but…………how? *Don’t bite the hand that…………………looks dirty *A miss is as good as a…………………..Mr. *You can’t teach an old dog new……………math *If you lie down with the dogs, you’ll……..stink in the morning *The pen is mightier than the……………..pigs *An idle mind is…………………………the best way to relax *Where there’s smoke, there’s……………..pollution *Happy the bride who……………………..gets all the presents *A penny saved is………………………..not much *Two’s company, three’s…………………..the musketeers *Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and………………………………..you have to blow your nose *Children should be seen and not…………..spanked or grounded *When the blind leadeth the blind………….get out of the way

The Difference Between Football in the North and South WOMEN’S ATTIRE Up North: Chapstick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front pocket. Down South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), concealer, and a fifth of bourbon. Wallet not necessary, that’s what dates are for. STADIUM SIZE Up North: College football stadiums hold 20,000. Down South: High School football stadiums hold 20,000. FATHERS Up North: Expect their daughter to understand Sylvia Plath. Down South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference. ATTIRE Up North: Male and female alike: woolly sweater or sweatshirt and jeans. Down South: Male – press khakis, oxford shirt, cap with frat logo, Justin Ropers. Female – ankle-length skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots, oxford shirt. ALUMNI Up North: Take prospects on sailing trips before they join the law firm. Down South: Take prospects on fishing trip so they don’t leave for the NFL their senior year. CAMPUS DECOR Up North: Statues of founding fathers. Down South: Statues of Heisman Trophy winners. HOMECOMING QUEEN Up North: Also a Physics Major Down South: Also Miss USA. HEROES Up North: Mario Cuomo Down South: “Bear” Bryant GETTING TICKETS Up North: 5 minutes before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and still purchase tickets. Down South: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and still be placed on the waiting list for tickets. FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY NIGHT GAME Up North: Students and Teachers are not sure if they are going because they have class on Friday. Down south: Teachers cancel class on Friday because they don’t want to see the few hungover students that might actually make it to class on Friday. PARKING Up North: An hour before game time the University opens the campus for game parking. Down South: RV’s sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The real faithful begin arriving on Tuesday. GAME DAY Up North: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV. Down South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting on Game Day “live” to get on camera and wave to the idiots up North who wonder why game day is never broadcast from their campus. TAILGATING Up North: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down. Down South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by Jerry Jeff Walker, who comes over during breaks and ask for a hit off your bottle of bourbon. GETTING TO THE STADIUM Up North: You ask “Where’s the stadium?” When you find it, you walk right in with no line. Down South: When your near it, you’ll hear it. On game day, it becomes the state’s third largest city. CONCESSIONS Up North: Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with soda. Down South: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team’s mascot–filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon. WHEN NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED Up North: Stands are less than half full. Down South: 100,000 fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony. THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCORE Up North: Nothing Changes! Down South: Fireworks with a twist of bourbon. COMMENTARY (MALE) Up North: “Nice Play.” Down South: “Dammit you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs!!!” COMMENTARY (FEMALE) Up North: “My, this is a violent sport.” Down South: “Dammit you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs!!!” ANNOUNCERS Up North: Paid. Down South: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team. AFTER THE GAME Up North: The stadium is empty way before the game ends. Down South: Another rack of ribs on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next week’s game.

Chocolate Test {…No cheating!!} Take this cute chocolate test to find out your true being. If you were buying candy and you had your choice of the following,which would you choose? BABY RUTH 3 MUSKETEERS BUTTERFINGERS SNICKERS HERSHEY’S ALMOND JOY with ALMONDS CLARK BAR GOOD ‘n’ PLENTY ENERGY BAR CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS Ok – Now That We Have Your Choice, This Is What Research Says About You!!! And NO….you can’t change your mind once you scroll down. So think carefully about what your choice will be! BABY RUTH – Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm fuzzy items. A little nutty. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day. 3 MUSKETEERS – You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your sabre. BUTTERFINGER – Smooth articulate, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don’t try to walk and chew gum at the same time. SNICKERS – Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Everyone enjoys being around you. But you are a practical joker – others should be cautious in shaking hands! HERSHEY – Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt. ALMOND JOY – Sexy, always ready to give and receive, very energetic, and really like to get into life. The opposite sex is always attracted to you. CLARK BAR – You like sports, whether baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but enjoy watching sports. You don’t like to give up the remote control. GOOD ‘n’ PLENTY – You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person. ENERGY BAR – Life is passing you by. Get a life!!!! Go eat a plum. CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS – You go to the bathroom often.

How to write a College Paper 1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it. 3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate. 4. Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn’t started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him. 5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it. 7. You know, you haven’t written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You’d better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate. 8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror. 9. Listen to one of your favorite CDs and that’s it, I mean it, as soon as it’s over you are going to start that paper. 10. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order. 11. Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he’s started writing yet. Exchange remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large. 12. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 13. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor. 14. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren’t missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler’s Tour b) any movie starring Don Ameche. 15. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26. 16. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot. 17. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror. 18. Look through your roommate’s book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is. 19. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future. 20. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall. 21. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 22. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the thrill of it. 23. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise. 24. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

“Right class,” said the teacher. “Who can make a sentence with the word ‘contagious’?”Little Johnny threw up his hand excitedly.“Yes, Johnny?”“My dad saw our neighbour painting his fence with a little brush, and said it’ll take the contageous!”

Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?” Student: “Meat!” Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?” Student: “Bacon!” Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?” Student: “Homework!”

Where do math teachers go on holiday?Times Square!

I was at a sex education class and the female teacher said, “Anyone who wants to know how deep a woman’s vagina is, please put your hand up.”“And that your honour is why I plead not guilty to the molestation charge against me!”

A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is.A student puts up his hand and says, “G”.The teacher says, “Why is that, Angus?”