A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water’s edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, “The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs.”
- While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A Blonde Girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. “What’s that ?” she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. “Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply. “Oh,” said the Blonde Girl sympathetically, “That must be painful…. I had tennis elbow once.”
- A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.” Passenger: “Who?” Cabby: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right – all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.” Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.” Cabby: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy” Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special” Cabby: “There’s more…….He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.” Passenger. “Wow, some guy then.” Cabby: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake” Passenger. “Mmm, there’s not many like him around.” Cabby: “And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too – he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.” Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?” Cabby: “Well, I never actually met Frank.” Passenger: “Then how do you know so much about him?” Cabby: “I married his freakin’ widow.”
- What’s the difference between a tennis ball and the prince of Wales? One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown into the air.
- While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A Blonde Girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. “What’s that ?” she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. “Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply. “Oh,” said the Blonde Girl sympathetically, “That must be painful…. I had tennis elbow once.”
- You know you are addicted to coffee if … You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other people’s fingernails. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. You’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. You don’t sweat, you percolate. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. People get dizzy just watching you. Instant coffee takes too long. You channel surf faster without a remote. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. You can outlast the Energizer bunny. You short out motion detectors. You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. You help your dog chase its tail. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup. You ski uphill. You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked. You answer the door before people knock. You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- A Lady goes to Toys R Us to buy a Barbie doll. She tells the clerk that she needs to buy a Barbie but doesn’t know what’s available or price. The clerk replies “We have Tennis Barbie and she’s $28” Lady asks “Well, anything else?” “We have an equestrian Barbie, and she’s $28”. Lady asks “Anything else?” “Well, we have divorced Barbie and she’s $250” The lady replies “I don’t understand why divorced Barbie is so expensive. The others were only $28. What is so special about divorced Barbie?” The clerk replied “Simple, she comes with Ken’s car, his house, and all his other stuff.”
- Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, ‘Son, how old are you?’ ‘Eight’, the boy replied. The man continued, ‘Do you know what these are used for?’ The boy replied, ‘Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do none of those’.
- Where is tennis mentioned in the Bible? Where Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
- A blonde is driving home and she gets caught in a really bad hailstorm. The hail is as big as tennis balls, and she ends up with her car covered with large dents. So the next day she takes her car to the repair shop. The shop owner, seeing she is blonde, decides to have a little fun. He tells her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe, really hard, and all the dents will just pop out. The blonde drives home, gets out of the car, gets down on her hands and knees and starts blowing into the tail pipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happens. Meanwhile, her roommate, also a blonde, comes home and asks,”What in the world are you doing?” The blonde car owner tells her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the hail dents to pop out. Her blonde roommate rolls her eyes and says, “Hell-OOOO! Don’t you think you should roll up the windows first?
- Q: Where is tennis mentioned in the Bible? A: Where Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
- I’ve bought shares in a company that manufactures tennis rackets…I’m hoping for a good return!
- I’ve just been reading about all of the corruption in tennis…I’m shocked at the amount of backhanders!
- You’ve got to hand it to the Aussies…When it comes to tennis, they really know how to return a serb!
- BREAKING: The English Cricket Board announce they have appointed tennis world number one Novak Djokovic as a temporary batting coach.“We acknowledge he doesn’t have a background in our sport, but we couldn’t overlook the fact it took two weeks for Australia to get him out!”
- I took my overnight bag to my tennis match by mistake, and had to play in my dressing gown and slippers…Still, I won comfortably!
- Just got back from my mates funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball…It was a lovely service!
- The man who invented unisex tennis matches has died…RIP Mick Stubbles!
- Went to the pub dressed as a tennis ball…I got served straight away!
- I told the female doctor that my tennis elbow was hurting. She said, “How many years have you had it for?”I said, “15 love!”
- The man who invented the tennis ball serving machine had his birthday today…Many happy returns!
- My wife asked, “Do you know any tennis puns?”I said “No, they’re not really my forte love!”
- What time does Andy Murray go to bed?Tennish!#Wimbledon2022
- My wife said to me, “There’s 14 reasons why I’m leaving you, and don’t even get me started on your tennis obsession!”I said, “Well that’s 15, love!”#Wimbledon2022
- I went to the bar at Wimbledon dressed as a tennis ball…I got served straight away!#Wimbledon2022
- We were all pretty sad at Grandad’s funeral when we were told he was killed by a tennis ball…Still, it was a lovely service!#Wimbledon2022
- The bloke who invented the automatic tennis serving machine is celebrating his birthday…Many happy returns!
- My friend asked me to come up with eleven jokes about Wimbledon…I think Tennis enough!
- I had to fire my tennis doubles partner today. I told him his services were no longer required.
- Just returned from my Friends Funeral. He died from being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
- My friend asked me to come up with Eleven jokes about The Australian Open. I think Tennis enough.
- TIP OF THE DAY: If you can’t afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.
- My wife is a big Tennis fan and was telling me how distracting she finds the constant grunting noises during the women’s matches. I have promised her I will stop.
- Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?
- Bought one of those tennis racket looking bug zappers today. My god, where have you been all my life. What fun! Oooh, here comes the dog….
- Love means never winning at tennis.
- Why should you never fall in love with a tennis player? To them, “Love” means nothing.
- BREAKING: The Tennis world is rocked by allegations of backhanders!
- The man who invented the automatic tennis serving machine is celebrating his birthday…Many happy returns!
- I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…Servers are currently down!
- There’s a new game called Silent Tennis.It’s like regular Tennis, but without the racquet.
- Never marry a tennis player.Love means nothing to them.
- Why do librarians hate tennis?Too much racket.
- Why is the divorce rate so high with tennis players?To them, Love means nothing.
- Never date a girl that plays tennisThey may be athletic, but love means nothing to them.
- Why should you never date a tennis player?Love means nothing to them.
- My wife said, I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis.I replied, That’s 15 love.
- To keep fit, I’ve taken up quiet tennis.It’s like regular tennis, but without the racquet.
- I had a game of quiet tennis today.It’s just like regular tennis but without the racket.
- My wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with tennis – and I’m too old.I said: I’m only 40 love.