Town Jokes

In the old Wild West, a Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in a new Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon he asked a cowboy, “What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?” “Ya mean women?” asked the cowboy. “We ain’t got none. ‘Round here folks shag sheep.” “That’s disgusting,” cried the correspondent, “I’ve never heard of such moral degredation.” However, after a few months, the correspondent’s balls were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustrations. Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a drink. As the correspondent and his wooly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares. “You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!” the reporter yelled. “You’ve been shagging sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me like I’m some sort of crazy pervert!” One cowboy spoke up, “Yeah, but that’s the sheriff’s gal!”

There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary littleboy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing,destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down tothe bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friendshuddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them,”What’s the Purple Wombat?””You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” the children exclaimeddisgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy,always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy,confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children.”Hey, Mister Bus Driver!” one of the chldren shouted. “Billy doesn’t knowwhat the Purple Wombat is!”The bus driver turned around abruptly. “You don’t know what the PurpleWombat is?” he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in thevery back of the bus, all by himself.Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went toclass. Class proceeded normally; the students did the pledge of allegianceand worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then theteacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really payingattention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the PurpleWombat.Billy’s hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked,”Teacher, what’s the Purple Wombat?””You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” the teacher cried in alarm,”Get yourself to the principal’s office right now, young man. No, no buts –march!”So Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to theprincipal’s office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, andtimidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, satthe principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thinmustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough tofrighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost totears.”Well, Billy,” he began slowly. “What seems to be the problem?””Mr. Principal, I just don’t know what’s going on today. Everyone’s beenacting weird, and they’re all treating me really badly. Like teacher justsent me to you and stuff.””Now, Billy, I’m here to help you. I’m the princi-Pal, after all.Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone’s acting so strangely?””It’s because I don’t know what some stupid Purple Wombat is.””What? You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is? That’s it. I am callingyour mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended.”The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home.Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother wasstanding in the doorway waiting for him.”Billy!” she called, sobbing, “I was so worried about you! What happened?””Mom,” Billy cried, “Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in theback of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal’soffice and the principal suspended me, all because I don’t know what thePurple Wombat is!””What? You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” Billy’s mother shrieked.”Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!”So Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed,crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doorsshutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talkingdownstairs but didn’t know what they were saying. Then he heard footstepscoming up the stairs, and his door opened.”Billy,” his father began in that lecturing-father tone, “Your mother saysyou’ve been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you’ve done?””Dad, I haven’t done anything! I just don’t know what the Purple Wombat is!””You…don’t know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you canjust stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!”Billy’s father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on hisbed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way — lyingthere, crying, wishing he would wake up.Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said:”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy.”Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find thesource of the voice, but he could not.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy.”It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on,opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat.”Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He gotto the edge of a wood.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy.”The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and veryfrightening, but Billy didn’t care. He had to find out what the PurpleWombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy.”Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he keptfalling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going,driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy.”Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the townlake.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I’m out here, Billy.”It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboatsfrom the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, itwas very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy.”The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, andthe boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way acrossthe lake, he heard: “Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I’m up here, Billy.”It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood upto look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn’tknow how to swim, so he drowned.Moral: Don’t stand up in a boat.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John’s grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, “Are these plates clean?” His grandfather replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!” For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, “Are you sure these plates are clean?” Without looking up the old man said, “I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!” Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass. John yelled and said, “Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car”. Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted … “COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!”

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paperwork to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snuck him on board the airplane. About 30 minutes into the trip, a stewardess noticed the man shaking and quivering. “Are you okay, sir?” asked the stewardess “Yes, I’m fine,” said the man. Later, the stewardess noticed the man moaning and shaking again. “Are you sure you’re alright sir?” “Yes,” said the man, “but I have a confession to make. I didn’t have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants.” “What’s wrong?” asked the stewardess. “Is he not housebroken?” “No, that’s not the problem. The problem is he’s not weaned yet!”

Little Johnny is passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peaks in and catches his folks in the act. Before daddy can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, “Oh boy! Horsy ride! Daddy, can I ride your back?” Daddy, relieved that Johnny’s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees… Johnny hops on daddy and starts going to town… pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.. Johnny cries out, “Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the mailman usually get bucked off.

The new guy in town decided to take a few minutes and head down to the local pub to try to meet some people. He stumbled in at about 7 PM and sat down at the bar to order his first drink. One of the regulars sitting at the pool table got up and came over to start up a conversation. He says, “hey, I bet you 5 dollars I can lick my eye”. The new guy was a little put-off by this introduction, but it was early in the evening so he took the bet. Sure enough, the regular had a glass eye, popped it out, licked it, and put in place. A funny enough parlor joke, he handed the man 5 dollars and went back to drinking. A few minutes later he returned, this time saying “I bet you 5 dollars I can touch my elbow to the back of my head.” Desparate for any attention, the new guy handed over another 5 dollars and watched as the regular popped his shoulder out of joint and touched the back of his head. Deciding he had already duped the new guy out of $10, the regular headed back over the pool table for the next few hours. As the bartender began to close up shop, he returned for one last wager. “hey, I bet you $100 I can piss on the celing”. The new guy looked up at the vaulted ceiling which was eaily 30 feet above and was convince he would soon win his money back and a nights worth of drinking. The regular pulled it out but didnt even come close, pissing on the bar and the local guy. “Ha! I won all my money back! That was a stupid bet!” The regular retorted, “yeah, but I bet the guys over there $500 I could piss on you and make you laugh!”

Two women in the one horse town of Parched Gulch had daughters, each of marriageable age. But there were no prospective husbands in town due to shootings, running off with outlaws and drunk riding. And there was no chance at all of any bridegrooms turning up. The two mothers pooled their meager resources, advertised, and sure enough, they got results: twin brothers in Cactus Corners looking for wives. The twin bridegrooms were sent for. Along the way the twins met up with outlaws. One was killed, the other escaped. Upon his arrival, the mothers were in immediate conflict as to whom the surviving twin belonged. They were going to kill each other over it. After all, each had a daughter’s future at stake. They took the case to Judge A.K. Hornswoggle, alcoholic, disbarred, but with Solomonic frontier wisdom. After due deliberation, Hornswoggle ruled that the young man be chopped in half and one half awarded to each daughter. The first mother was outraged. If Hornswoggle wasn’t drunk or stupid, he was a monster for suggesting such a thing. The second mother thought it would not be a bad solution. And pointing to the second mother, Hornswoggle said, “Your daughter gets him. You are the real mother-in-law.”

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So… he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?” The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.” Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?” The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”

A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the place and find out the cause. So the sociologists, anthropologists, birth control specialists and other concerned scientists moved to the town prepared to do a six-month study of the causes of the town’s high birth rate. The day the research testing and all was to begin, the director of the million-dollar project stopped off at the single cafe in town and ordered coffee. When the waiter delivered his drink, the scientist detained him for a moment and asked, “Can you give me an idea was to why your town, above all others in this country, has such a high birth rate?” The waiter thought a moment, then said, “I think I can. You see, every morning at 4:00, the C&A; Railroad comes through town and blows its whistle at all three street crossings. That wakes up the folks here and, as you can guess, it’s too darn late to go back to sleep and too darn early to get up.”

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. “You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.” “Well, I do have a double room with one occupant – an Air Force guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.” “No problem,” the tired Marine assured him. “I’ll take it.” The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “How’d you sleep?” asked the manager. “Never better.” The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?” “Nope, I shut him up in no time” said the Marine. “How’d you manage that?” asked the manager. “He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine” explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”

Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich. You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment. Your suggestion box starts ticking. Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3. You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town. You see the captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket. They pay your wages out of petty cash. You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you’ve ever had. You tell the barber what you think about his prices before you get your haircut. Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget. The simple instructions enclosed aren’t. A black cat crosses you path and drops dead. You take an assertiveness training course and you’re afraid to tell your wife. The plumber floats by on your kitchen table. Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee. The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm. The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.

Not for Lunch My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals. Tired of it after several months, I said, “I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch.” “Fair enough. From now on I’ll make my own,” he replied. A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards. “We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like,” he suggested. I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order. My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, “Separate checks, please…”

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. “Hey bartender” said the Engineer, “I’ll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there.” The bartender responded, “I’m sorry sir but that guy’s a commie and we don’t serve his kind around here.” “Well, you’d better because if it weren’t for that guy, I wouldn’t be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don’t believe me, look at the top of his head and you’ll see that it’s flat from holding the roof up.” The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: “I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn’t help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?” The engineer responded: “Oh…that’s where we put the jack.”

A man drives his date up to lovers lane and parks. “I have to be honest with you” the woman says as the guy makes his move.”I’m a hooker”. The man thinks about this for a bit and decides he’s ok with it. He agrees to pay her $25 and they go at it. After they finish, the guy says,”Now I should be honest too. I’m a cab driver and its going to cost you $25 to get back to town”.

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. “Look !” she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. “And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.” For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. Services are pending.

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn’t seem to get enough lovin’. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love. The problem was their nooner; it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn’t getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. “Homer,” said the doctor, “just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you’re in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene’s signal to come out to you. Then you won’t lose any field time.” They tried Doc’s advice and it worked well for a while. Homer came back to the doctor’s office.. “What’s wrong?” asked the Doc. “Didn’t my idea work?” “Oh, it worked real good,” said Homer. “Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene’d come runnin’. We’d find a secluded place, make love, and then she’d go back home again.” “Good, Homer. So what’s the problem?” asked the Doc. “I ain’t seen her since huntin’ season started.”

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along. “I’ll never do that again!” he told his mother that evening. “I didn’t catch a thing!” “Oh, next time I’m sure she’ll be quiet and not scare the fish away,” his mother said. The boy said, “It wasn’t that. She ate all the bait.”

A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He asked if they had a license and, when they didn’t, sent them off to get one. They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards — his where hers belonged and vice versa. They rushed back to the clerk’s office, caught him again, and got another license. This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk… After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied. Judge: “I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical bastards.” Groom: “That’s funny – that’s just what the clerk called you.”

In a small mid western conservative town, a new bar/tavern started a building to open up their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed, however right up till the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground. The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the buildings demise in its reply to the court. As the case made it’s way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented, “I don’t know how I’m going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn’t.

After a tornado tore through town, thankfully no one was hurt. The trees were stripped bare, though. God breathed a sigh of releaf.

A wealthy lawyer was being driven around town in his limo when he saw 2 men on the side of the road eating grass. Moved, the lawyer tells his driver to stop and gets out to talk to the men. “What is going on? Why are you eating grass?” he asks the men. “We are very poor sir”, the first responds, “this is all we have.” “Well, come with me” insists the lawyer. “But sir, I have a wife and three kids! My friend here, he was a wife and four kids!” “We will go get them as well” declares the lawyer. An hour later they are all driving in the limo to the lawyers estate. “Sir, I don’t know how to thank you enough!” “Oh, it is no problem. The grass at my house has to be at least a foot tall!”

During its heyday the Wells Fargo Company employed a number of specialized stagecoaches such as one with a church for Sunday operation. One of the more popular models featured a darkroom on board, so passengers who took pictures could have them processed en route and the prints delivered at their destination. One day a stagecoach equipped with a darkroom was headed for Wichita when, passing through a small town, it was intercepted by the local marshal, who said, “Halt in the name of the law!” “What’s the problem?” the stagecoach driver asked. “You should know that the operation of a mobile darkroom is illegal in Kansas,” the marshal said. At this point two psychologists on horseback arrived on the scene. One of them said, “I suppose what we have here is a classic case of the Oedipus complex.” The other said, “No, it’s much simpler than that — it’s just an arrested stage of development.”

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it? “Heavens no, we bought it.” “Then why don’t you drive it away.” “We can’t drive.” “Then why did you buy it?” he asked. “We were told that if we bought a car here we’d get screwed … so we’re just waiting.”

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.” He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.” So the magistrate kept listening; “There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…” Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?” She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.” “No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?” “It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded. “I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?” “I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.” He said, “Do you have a real grudge?” “No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.” “Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?” “Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.” “Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?” “Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.” Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?” “Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”

Little Johnny is passing his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in ‘the act’. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims “Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?” Daddy, relieved that Johnny’s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out “Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!”

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.” “Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” asked the wife. “I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face,” he answered. I’m going to have a beer.” The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands ! from 12 different countries: Germany,Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, Lollipop… but at the bar… You know… they have frozen glasses… ” He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious… I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?” “You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?” She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches. “But my sweet honey… at the bar…. you know there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…” “You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SH*T! SIT YOU’RE A$$ DOWN, SHUT THE HE@# UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D’OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED A$$ ISN’T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SH*T IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKA$$?” and…they lived happily ever after. Isn’t that a sweet story? —

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, William’s dad took him aside. “Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She’s a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.” William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Diane said yes! We’re getting married in June.” Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Diane is your half-sister too, William. I’m awfully sorry about this.” William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. “Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister.” His mother just shook her head. “Don’t pay any attention to what he says, dear. He’s not really your father.”

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour and asks ‘Do you do custom work?’ ‘Why of course!’ ‘Good. I’d like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.’ ‘No problem,’ says the artist. ‘Strip from the waist down and get up on the table.’ After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos. ‘That doesn’t look like them!’ she complains loudly. ‘Oh yes it does,’ the artist says indignantly, ‘and I can prove it.’ With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk. ‘Well, what do you think?’ the woman asks, spreading her legs. ‘Do you know who these men are?’ The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. ‘I’m not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!’

A young man got a license to trap furs for the winter in Alaska. After buying supplies in a local town he went into a nearby saloon. Approaching the bartender he asked, “Is there any action to be had in this town?” “What do you mean, action?” asked the bartender. “I mean, are there any women,” said the trapper. “No, but there’s always old Joe,” replied the bartender. “No thanks,” said the trapper. “I don’t go for that kind of stuff.” The next spring the trapper came back into town. After being snowed in for nine months he was in a slightly different frame of mind. He walked into the bar and asked, “Is there any action in town?” “There’s still old Joe,” replied the bartender. “If I were to go for old Joe,” he asked, “Who would have to know about it?” “Well,” said the bartender, “there’s you, me, old Joe of course, and these three guys sitting at the other end of the bar.” “What do we need those three guys for?” asked the trapper. “To hold old Joe,” replied the bartender. “He don’t go for that kind of stuff, either.”

It is a little-known fact that before becoming president of South Korea, Syngman Rhee was for many years foreign corresponcent for Life magazine, dividing his time between their New York and Seoul offices. One day, he left New York for a routine trip to Seoul, but, when he wasn’t heard from, the New York office became worried and called the Seoul office. The Seoul office confirmed that he had arrived as scheduled but had left almost immediately for North Korea. They quoted him as saying that he was not at liberty to say where he could be reached but that he would be doing a story on how the other half lived, promising to cable it to Seoul and New York on completion.The New York office was worried and decided to send a bilingual correspondent to North Korea to try to locate him. He arrived in Seoul, at which time he was told that they had had an update: Syngman Rhee had called in a half hour earlier to say that his story would concern interviews with a taxi driver, a tailor, and a restaurant manager, all in Pyongyang. But he still declined to supply a contact address.So the reporter decided to go to Pyongyang to track him down. At the Pyongyang airport he took a taxi into town, and luck was with him: while his taxi driver had not been the one interviewed, he knew the driver who had, and he gave the reporter his name. When reporter talked to the driver, the driver said that Rhee had planned to interview a tailor in a district known for its many tailors.Again luck was with him: out of 3,518 tailors, he only had to talk to 17 before finding the one who had been interviewed by Rhee: he quoted him as saying he intended to talk to a restaurant manager located in a suburb of Pyongyang. Acting on a hunch that the suburb would be the last one on the commuter train line, he took the train for the northern suburbs and got off at the last stop. He interviewed a restaurant manager there without success, so he returned to Pyongyang Central Station and took a train to the northeast, getting off at the last stop. In this way he worked his way around, taking trains to the east, then southeast, and again luck was with him. He did not have to get half way around the circuit before arriving at the last town on a line running southeast of Pyongyang, where he talked to the manager of one of the town’s only two restaurants. The manager confirmed that Syngman Rhee had gone to the other one for his interview.Arriving there, the correspondent talked to the manager, who said that Rhee had just interviewed him and was now in the kitchen talking to the staff. The reporter went into the kitchen, and there was Syngman Rhee, looking as if he hadn’t aged a day in three months, sipping a cup of tea with the staff with his notebook on his knee. The correspondent said, “Ah, sweet Mr. Rhee of Life, at last I’ve found you!”

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. “Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,” says the shop owner, “and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.” “You can keep the story, old man,” he replies, “but I’ll take the rat.” The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water’s edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. “Ah, so you’ve come back for the rest of the story,” says the owner. “No,” says the tourist, “I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer.”

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door. “Is yer pa home?” he asked. “No sir, he sure ain’t,” the boy replied. “He went to town.” “Well,” said the farmer. “Is yer ma home?” “No, she ain’t here either. She went to town with pa.” “Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?” “No sir, he went with pa and ma.” The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself. “Is there anything I kin do fer ya’?” inquired the young boy politely. “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one; Or maybe I could take a message fer pa.” Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to yer pa. It’s about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.” The boy considered for a moment. “You would have to talk to pa about that,” he finally conceded. “I know that pa charges $500 for the bull and $250 for the boar hog, but I really don’t know how much he gets for Joe.”

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor “Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one… “Sorry I’m running late… had an emergency, you know how it is, didn’t have time to get you both a present.” Not to worry,” said the dad..”the important thing is that we’re all here together today.” Son number two arrived and announced, “you and Mom still look great, Dad just flew in from L.A. and didn’t have time to get you a present… Sorry.” “It’s nothing,” said the father, “Glad you were able to be here.” Just then the daughter arrived, “Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I’m sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing… so I didn’t have time to get you guys anything.” Again the father said, “I really don’t care, at least the five of us are together today.” After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, “Listen up, all three of you, there’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but… we just never found the time to get married.” The three kids gasp and said, “You mean we’re bastards?” “Yep,” said the dad…”and cheap ones too!”

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend – “My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.” The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight’s best friend. He yells – “Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!”

Q: How did the townsfolk find out the pigeons were plotting a revolution? A: They heard them in the town square saying, “Coup, coup!”

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. “WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?” he yelled. No one answered. “ALL RIGHT, I’M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA’ BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN’T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I’M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON’T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!” Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?” The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

Three tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter one asked the blonde employee, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?” The girl leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiiiing.”

It’s the first of April, and Joe is out of town on business. He returns home to find out that his wife is at the hospital in labor having their first child. He rushes to the hospital, and goes to his wife’s side. She has already had the child. He goes to the nursery to see the baby. He spots the name on a crib and motions to the nurse. She points at the crib and Joe says, “Yes, he’s my son.” The nurse picks up the baby and drops it on the floor. Joe is aghast. The nurse says, “Don’t worry.” She picks up the baby and slaps it hard across the face several times. Joe turns white in horror as she throws the baby across the nursery. Joe is about to faint as she holds the baby by it’s testicles and swings it around her head. Joe screams, “Stop you’re kiling my baby!!!!” The nurse responds, “April Fools… It was born dead…”

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence. Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slow down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you.” He knew what it was. “Oh my god!” he shuddered, “It’s Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!” He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. “Come quick!” he said, “You won’t believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls.” The man said, “Shoo, you brat! Can’t you see I’m finding it hard to walk as it is!” After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one…” The old man whispered, “Boy, you’s been tellin’ the truth! Let’s see if we can see the Devil himself.” Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That’s all. Let’s go get those nuts by the fence, and we’ll be done.” They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!

Two brothers are separated at birth, one going to live in the big city and the other on a farm in the coutry. Eventually, the two learn of each other and there’s a happy reunion on the country brother’s farm. Having never been to a farm before, the city brother asks for a tour. The farmer shows him the cows, the barn, horses, and the corn fields before coming to the pig sty, where he proudly introduces his prized possesion: a three-legged sow. “That sow is finest animal to ever live,” proclaimed the farmer, “She saved my three children from the barn when it was burning down.” “When I fell from the tree over yonder, she ran all the way to town and fetched the doctor,” he continued. “And, when my wife went into labor in the middle of the night, she delivered my yongest son!” Amazed, the city brother remarked, “that’s quite a pig. But, what happened to her that she only has three legs?” “Well, hell,” said the farmer, “be a damn shame, eat a pig like that all at once.”

In a small Southern town there was a “Nativity Scene” that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a “Quick Stop” on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, “You Yankees never do read the Bible!” I assured her that I did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, “See, it says right here, ‘The three wise man came from afar.’”

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. “You can’t make any noise,” she warned him. “My parents are upstairs and if they find out they’ll kill us.” Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man. “I have to go,” he said. “Well you can’t go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents’ bedroom,” she replied. “Use the kitchen sink.” So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked, “Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a paper towel?”

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house… and left it there all night.

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George’s dad took him aside, “Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she’s a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.” “Susan is actually your half sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.” George was brokenhearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Diane said yes! We’re getting married in June.” Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Diane is your half sister too, George. “I’m awfully sorry about this.” George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. “Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister.” “Hee hee,” his mother chuckled, shaking her head, “Don’t pay any attention to what he says. He’s not really your father.”

MIDDLETOWN, Ohio (AP) – The city’s tax superintendent has been suspended without pay for a week for trying to inject some humor in the city income tax filing instructions. The forms – with such lines as, “If we can tax it, we will,” – were sent last week to all Middletown businesses and residents who pay city income tax. The attempt at humor by Linda Stubbs was called “misguided” by city Finance Director John Lyons. Lyons said revised forms were sent out immediately at a cost to taxpayers of about $5,500. Among the lines that city officials didn’t think were very funny was this one: “Free advice: if you don’t have a profit in a five-year period, you might want to consider another line of work.” Middletown is about 25 miles northeast of Cincinnati.

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, “Mom, why are wedding dresses white?” The mother looks at her son and replies, “Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure.” The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, “Dad, why are wedding dresses white?” The father looks at his son in surprise and says, “Son, all household appliances come in white.”

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jamestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families. Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, “Hey, don’t you know who I am?” The man says, “Yep, sure do.” Satan says, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?” The man says, “Nope, sure ain’t.” Satan, perturbed, says, “And why aren’t you afraid of me?” The man says, “Well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years.”

A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked fabulous, he felt that in this suit he can do business. As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, “Didn’t you tell me you were a banker?” The young man answered, “Yes, I did.” To this the tailor said, “Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?”

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around. During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man’s work, saying, “May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!” A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it’s like a completely different place–the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. “Amazing!” the preacher says. “Look what God and you have accomplished together!” “Yes, reverend,” says the farmer, “but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!”

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Sally led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.” “Very good,” said the teacher. Little Jenny was next: “I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.” “Very good, Jenny,” said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467”, he said. “$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?” “Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny. “Toothbrushes,” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?” “I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “I set up a Dip & Chip stand I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like sh*t!” Then I would say, “It is sh*t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”

Henry Lang grew up in Kansas, part of the most wealthy and influentialfamily in the area. Everyone around knew of the Langs, and eventually, ingratitude for all that the family had done for the area, the townsfolkerected a huge sign in front of the train station, saying, “Welcome on behalfof the Langs.” One day, Henry, now in his forties, returned to the area, andhe was shocked to see that the townsfolk had taken down the old Lang sign.

A man drives his date up to lovers lane and parks. “I have to be honest with you” the woman says as the guy makes his move.”I’m a hooker”. The man thinks about this for a bit and decides he’s ok with it. He agrees to pay her $25 and they go at it. After they finish, the guy says,”Now I should be honest too. I’m a cab driver and its going to cost you $25 to get back to town”.

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers……They panhandle in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day. Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Carlos says to Jose ‘I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?’. Jose says, …. ‘Look at your sign, what does it say’? Carlos’ sign reads ‘I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support’.’ Jose says ‘ No wonder you only get 2 – 3 dollars ‘Carlos says… ‘So what does your sign say’? Jose shows Carlos his sign……It reads, ‘I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico’

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are. We challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam administered by the University of Arkansas Engineering Department: 1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum. 2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A ’65 Ford Fairlane, a ’69 Chevrolet Chevelle or a ’64 Pontiac GTO. 3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the finished product? 4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. — — How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down? 5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented it’s charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer? 6. A front porch is constructed of 2×8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed? 7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man’s land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out on the front porch? 8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that the truck will strike a vehicle with a muffler? 9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of th 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during that shift? 10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer? O.K. — all you smarties answer up!

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a ‘mail order’ bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, ‘She’ll be twenty-one in November.’ Now the banker, being the wise man that he was,could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man. Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.. About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.. ‘How’s the new wife?’, asked the banker. Tom proudly said, ‘Good – she’s pregnant.’ The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, ‘And how’s the hired hand?’ Without hesitating, Tom said, ‘She’s pregnant too.’ Don’t ever underestimate old Guys

A lawyer from New York was transferred to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West. After several weeks there he noticed that the town was populated solely by men. He asked one of the local cowboys, “What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?” The cowboy replied, “See them thar’sheep up on thet hill. We just go git us one.” “That is disgusting and barbaric!!” replied the lawyer. After about 3 months the lawyer could not stand it any longer. He decided though, if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie,and then took the sheep to bed. After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm. The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief. The lawyer said, “You bunch of hypocrites. You look at me as if I’m some sort of freak for doing what you’ve been doing all along. I’m just doing it with more class.” “That ain’t the problem,” replied one cowboy. “That’s the sheriff’s gal you’re with.”

Ze Woman, She Is Dead! An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, “Ah, young love… ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers… C’est magnifique!”, and continued to watch, remembering the good old day’s that he’d once enjoyed. Suddenly he gasped and said, “Mais… Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!” before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief. He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted, “Jean…Jean…zere is zis man, zis woman … naked in farmer Gaston’s field making love.” The police chief smiled and said, “Come, come, Henri you are not so old, remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L’amour! Zis is OK.” “Mais non! You do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!” Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri’s story, and pedaled all the way back to call the doctor. He picked up the telephone and screamed, “Pierre, Pierre! This is Jean, I was in Gaston’s field, zere is a young couple naked having sex!” To which Pierre replied, “Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember…it’s spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L’amour! Zis is very natural.” Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, “NON, you do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!” Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, “Mon dieu!” grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools, jumped in his car, and drove like a madman down to Gaston’s field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station. When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, “Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British!”

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, walking down Main St., he noticed a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. “Mrs. Fitzgerald,” the reverend said sternly. “This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don’t you let me take you home?” “Sure,” she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, “Here, here buddy, we won’t have any of that carrying around in this bar!” The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, “But you don’t understand, I’m Pastor Fuzz.” The bartender nodded and said, “Hell then, if you’re that far in, you might as well finish up.”

A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road. Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision. He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn’t get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.” The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial — a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Burns. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, you manipulate people, and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.” The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?” She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Trevino since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.” At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence, and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt!”

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the service started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared in front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?” The man replied, “Yep, sure do.” Satan asked “Aren’t you afraid of me?” “Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?” The man calmly replied, “I been married to your sister for 48 years.”

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200. They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. “Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side.” The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, “Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?” The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. “You are truly a wise Vet,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?” The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, “My wife is from Illinois.”

A banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a “mail order” bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, “She’ll be twenty-one in November.” Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man. Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon. About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. “How’s the new wife?”, asked the banker. Tom proudly said, “Good – She’s pregnant.” The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, “And how’s the hired hand?” Without hesitating, Tom said, “She’s pregnant too.” The moral of the story is that you shouldn’t ever underestimate the staying power of old Geezers.

There’s a small German town near Munich called Pfilzerplatz, and the town is renowned for producing fine stationery. Anyway, Munich had a problem — the thousands of stray dogs in the city were breeding with one another and overrunning the city. So the people of Munich banded together and ran the dogs out of the city. Unfortunately, the dogs appeared in Pfilzerplatz. The dogs took over everything, and the mayor decided to evacuate the town. The paper mills were shut down, and everyone left. But a couple days later, the townsfolk, watching their town from the hills, saw smoke rising from the smokestacks. They knew no humans were left in the town, so they concluded that the dogs had learned to operate the factories. The mayor hurried to Munich’s town hall and pleaded, “You’ve got to help us! The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!”

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour. ‘Do you do custom work?’ she asks the artist. ‘Why of course!’ ‘Good. I’d like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.’ ‘No problem,’ says the artist. ‘Strip from the waist down and get up on the table.’ After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos. ‘That doesn’t look like them!’ she complains loudly. ‘Oh yes it does,’ the artist says indignantly, ‘and I can prove it.’ With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk. ‘Well, what do you think?’ the woman asks, spreading her legs. ‘Do you know who these men are?’ The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. ‘I’m not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definately Willie Nelson!’

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to collect his wife’s test results. The lab tech says to him, “I’m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife’s. Frankly, that’s either bad or terrible.” “What do you mean?” “Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer’s disease and the other for AIDS. We can’t tell which is your wife.” “That’s terrible! Can we do the test over?” asked Mr. Smith. “Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.” “Well, what am I supposed to do now?” “The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don’t sleep with her.”

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn’t seem to get enough lovin’. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love. The problem was their nooner; it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn’t getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. “Homer,” said the doctor, “just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you’re in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene’s signal to come out to you. Then you won’t lose any field time.” They tried Doc’s advice and it worked well for a while. Homer came back to the doctor’s office. “What’s wrong?” asked the Doc.. “Didn’t my idea work?” “Oh, it worked real good,” said Homer. “Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene’d come runnin’. We’d find a secluded place, make love, and then she’d go back home again.” “Good, Homer. So what’s the problem?” asked the Doc. “I ain’t seen her since huntin’ season started.”

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “But officer!” the man began, “I don’t have time for this right now!” “Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.” “But officer,” replied the motorist. “I just wanted to say…” “And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”, barked the officer. A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.” “Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the bridegroom.”

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?” “We’re taking Delta,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!” “Delta?” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?” “We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.” “That dump! That’s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?” “We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.” “That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.” A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. “It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of Delta’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel – it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!” “Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.” “Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke to me.” “Really?” asked the Barber. “What’d he say?” “He said, ‘Where’d you get the lousy haircut?’”

The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles – or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, they got the cow from Minsk. It was a great cow had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again. So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day. Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise. They told him the story. “Rabbi, we’ve tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?” The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, “Did you buy this cow from Minsk?” “Rabbi!” they replied as one, “You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?” The Rabbi said, sadly, “My wife is from Minsk.”

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it? “Heavens no, we bought it.” “Then why don’t you drive it away.” “We can’t drive.” “Then why did you buy it?” “We were told that if we bought a car here we’d get screwed …so we’re just waiting.

What’s the Time? Every Monday morning for years, at about 11:30 am, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed-up the nerve to ask him why the regularity. “I’m foreman of the local sawmill,” he explained. “Everyday, I have to blow the whistle at noon, so I call you to get the exact time.” The operator giggled, “That’s really funny,” she said. “All this time, we’ve been setting our clock by your whistle.

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are DEMENTIA: I Think I’ll Be Home for Christmas NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and … PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me. PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll tell you Why. DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely. OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock… PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away). BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. “You can’t make any noise,” she warned him. “My parents are upstairs and if they find out they’ll kill us.” Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man. “I have to go,” he said. “Well you can’t go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents’ bedroom,” she replied. “Use the kitchen sink.” So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked, “Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a paper towel?”

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes, the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final yahoo and rode off. “What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service station attendant. “Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.” Lady, the attendant said, Indians ride bareback.

A Scotsman was out having a very good time on Saturday night sampling the local product and on the way home he passed out along the lane. Later in the night a wind came blowing by and blew his kilt up to his waist. Well, we all know what a real Scotsman wears under his kilt. Early Sunday morning the 2 town spinsters came by and saw him laying there. “Prudence have you ever seen such a sight!” one exclaimed. “No I haven’t Purity. He deserves some kind of punishment.” as she searched her bag. “Here this should do it.” And she tied a ribbon around his member. “Serves him right” they huffed and continued on to church. Later the Scotsman awoke and looked down at his member and saw the bright blue ribbon tied around it and said “Aye Laddie, I dunna know where ye been, but ye won ferst prize!.”

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, “TWO PROSTITUTES…….$50.00.” A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, “JESUS SAVES.” They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, “Well, that’s a little different, it pertains to religion.” So the two ladies took their sign down and took off. The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read… “TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER…$50.00.”

There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat. Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them, “What’s the Purple Wombat?” “You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” the children exclaimed disgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy, always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy, confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children. “Hey, Mister Bus Driver!” one of the chldren shouted. “Billy doesn’t know what the Purple Wombat is!” The bus driver turned around abruptly. “You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in the very back of the bus, all by himself. Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went to class. Class proceeded normally; the students did the pledge of allegiance and worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then the teacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really paying attention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the Purple Wombat. Billy’s hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked, “Teacher, what’s the Purple Wombat?” “You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” the teacher cried in alarm, “Get yourself to the principal’s office right now, young man. No, no buts — march!” So Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to the principal’s office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, and timidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, sat the principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thin mustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough to frighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost to tears. “Well, Billy,” he began slowly. “What seems to be the problem?” “Mr. Principal, I just don’t know what’s going on today. Everyone’s been acting weird, and they’re all treating me really badly. Like teacher just sent me to you and stuff.” “Now, Billy, I’m here to help you. I’m the princi-Pal, after all. Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone’s acting so strangely?” “It’s because I don’t know what some stupid Purple Wombat is.” “What? You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is? That’s it. I am calling your mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended.” The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home. Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him. “Billy!” she called, sobbing, “I was so worried about you! What happened?” “Mom,” Billy cried, “Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the back of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal’s office and the principal suspended me, all because I don’t know what the Purple Wombat is!” “What? You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” Billy’s mother shrieked. “Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!” So Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed, crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doors shutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talking downstairs but didn’t know what they were saying. Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and his door opened. “Billy,” his father began in that lecturing-father tone, “Your mother says you’ve been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you’ve done?” “Dad, I haven’t done anything! I just don’t know what the Purple Wombat is!” “You…don’t know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you can just stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!” Billy’s father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on his bed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way — lying there, crying, wishing he would wake up. Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said: “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy.” Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find the source of the voice, but he could not. “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy.” It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on, opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof. “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat.” Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got to the edge of a wood. “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy.” The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very frightening, but Billy didn’t care. He had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood. “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy.” Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he kept falling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going, driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name. “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy.” Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the town lake. “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I’m out here, Billy.” It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboats from the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, it was very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy.” The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, and the boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way across the lake, he heard: “Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I’m up here, Billy.” It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood up to look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn’t know how to swim, so he drowned.

Redneck Olympics Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by the crowd and sold as concession snacks. In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns out to be owned by the Governor. The big event is the 100m Sister chase. Instead of shooting at boring targets, archers take aim at muskrats and ATF agents. Urine drug test transformed into “Distance Pissin’ Competition.” Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park. Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by award of gold, silver, and bronze teeth. Opening Ceremony is a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle rockets. Hometown favorites falter in gymnastics competitions due to all them extra toes. Two words: Billy Bobsledding.

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move. Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond. Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. “Well… Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!”

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to get his wife’s test results. The lab technician says to him, “I’m very sorry, sir, but we’ve had a bit of a problem. At the same time we sent your wife’s samples to the lab, the lab also received samples from another Mrs. Smith, and now we’re not sure which results are your wife’s. But, frankly, it’s either bad news or terrible news!” “What do you mean?” said Mr. Smith. “Well, one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer’s, and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. And we can’t tell which is your wife’s test.” “This is terrible!” cries Mr. Smith. “Can’t we do the test over?” Normally, yes,” says the technician, “but you have Blue Cross Health Care, and they won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.” Well, what am I supposed to do now?” said Mr. Smith. “Blue Cross recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don’t sleep with her.”

What Would Freud Say About These Places? – Climax, Michigan – Spread Eagle, Wisconsin – Needmore, Arkansas – Hardup, Utah – Intercourse, Pennsylvania – Hornytown, North Carolina – Conception Junction, Missouri

An attorney was driving through the country side when his car failed him. He looked under the hood and knocked a few items around with a hammer. In the process he knocked off a gas line and got his arm soaked with gas before getting it back on. Discouraged, he attempted to start his car. Much to his surprise it started and he headed for the nearest town for a permanent repair. To celebrate his success he lit up a cigarette, at which time his arm exploded into flames. He stuck his arm out the window hoping the wind at 50 miles per hour would put it out. He was promptly pulled over by a local constable and given a ticket for an illegal use of a firearm.

Dave and his new wife had just returned from his honeymoon and was settling down in their new apartment. Coming home from work one night the landlady met Dave in the hallway and said, “I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your new bride would like to have them?” “I’ll ask her,” Dave responded. He opened the door to his apartment and called out, “Honey, would you like to see ‘Oliver Twist’ tonight?” “No way!!,” his bride retorted, “If you show me one more trick with that thing, I’m going home to my Mother!”

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. “You’ve got to have a room somewhere.” he pleaded to the last hotel manager, “Or just a bed–I don’t really care where. I’m completely exhausted” “Well, I do have a double room with one occupant,” admitted the manager, “and I’m sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.” “No problem,” the tired traveler assured him. “I’ll take it.” The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager asked him how he survived. “Never better.” John said. The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?” “Nope. I shut him up in no time.” “How’d you manage that?” “He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room,” John said. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Good night, beautiful’ and he sat up all night watching me.”

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called ‘Amazon Dot Com.’ And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?” And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?” And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).” Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham’s drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.” And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known “eBay” he said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.” And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.” “YAHOO,” said Abraham. And that is how it all began. It wasn’t Al Gore after all.

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, “If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit! “Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had “fallen.” This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe, old age. A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. “Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they’ve fallen.” The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, “I don’t know what you’re laughing about, because your wife has already fallen three times this week!”

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow in North Carolina, for $200.00. They bought the cow from N. C. and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the local Vet; who was very wise; what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side.” The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, “Did you buy this cow in North Carolina?” The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. “You are truly a wise Vet,” they said. “But how did you know we got the cow in North Carolina?” The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye; “My wife is from North Carolina.”

The crossing lights in Chuck Norris’s home town say “Die slowly” and “die quickly”. They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move. Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond. Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. “Well… Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!”

How to Survive in the South If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in a four wheel drive pickup with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Remember: “Ya’ll” is singular, “All ya’ll” is plural, and “All y’alls’” is plural possessive. Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?” Don’t be worried at not understanding what people are saying: they can’t understand you either. Be advised that “He needed killin’” is a valid defense here. If you hear a southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this,” stay out of the way. These are likely the last words he’ll ever say. Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of yonder’. Only a Southerner knows exactly how long directly’ is, as in: Going to town, be back directly.’ Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between right near’ and “a right far piece.” They also know that just down the road’ can be 1 mile or 20. Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol’ boy, and po’ white trash. A Southerner knows that fixin’ can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb. And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y’all need a sign to hang on y’alls front porch that reads, “I ain’t from the South, but I got here as fast as I could.”

Dividing Nuts On the outskirts of town, there was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward the fence. Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One foryou, one for me.” He knew what it was. “Oh, my!” he shuddered, “It’s Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!” He cycled down the road as fast as he could and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. “Come quick!” said the boy. “You won’t believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls.” The man said, “Shoo, you brat! Can’t you see I’m finding it hard to walk as it is!” After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me…” The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been telling the truth! Let’s see if we can see the Devil himself.” Shivering with fear, they peered through the fence, yet they were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence, and we’ll be done.” They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.

1. Schizophrenia — Do You Hear What I Hear? 2. Multiple Personality Disorder — We Three Queens Disoriented Are 3. Amnesia — I Don’t Know if I’ll be Home for Christmas 4. Narcissistic — Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me 5. Manic — Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and … 6. Paranoid — Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me 7. Borderline Personality Disorder — Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire 8. Full Personality Disorder — You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll tell You Why 9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder —Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells … 10. Agoraphobia — I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn’t Leave My House 11. Senile Dementia — Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe 12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder — I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, “Your mom’s the best lay in town!” Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, “I just screwed your mom, and it was sweet!” Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, “Your mom liked it!” Finally the guy interrupts. “Go home, Dad,… you’re drunk!”

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it’s tail and kissed it where the sun don’t shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing. “Whudd’ya do that fer?” he asked. “Got chapped lips,” the cowboy replied. The old man asked, “Does that help?” The cowboy said, “Nope, but it keeps me from lickin’ ’em.”

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. “Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,” says the shop owner, “and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.” “You can keep the story, old man,” he replies, “but I’ll take the rat.” The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water’s edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. “Ah, so you’ve come back for the rest of the story,” says the owner. “No,” says the tourist, “I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer.”

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can’t figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun. ”Okay, here’s what we do. I’m going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he’s incapacitated.” ”Great,” says the man. ”But what’s the gun for?” ”In case I fall down instead of the gorilla, shoot the dog.”

Three tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter one asked the blonde employee, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?” The girl leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiiiing.”