Tree Jokes

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assalted.

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers and says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers and I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder and asks if his bet still good. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? The Irishman replies, Oh, I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.

Q: Why did it take three burly Boy Scouts to help the old lady across the street? A: Because she didn’t want to go.

q: What’s got four legs, is fuzzy and green, and would kill you if it came out of a tree at you? a: A pool table.

Ben was working at the lumberyard one day, pushing a tree through the saw, when he accidentally cut off all of his fingers. He quickly ran down the street to the emergency room. The doctor quickly examined his hands and asked for the fingers. “I don’t have the fingers.” Ben gasped through his pain. “What do you mean you don’t have the fingers? We aren’t living in the Dark Ages here! I can reattach those fingers and you’d be as good as new! Why didn’t you bring the fingers?” “Gosh, Doc!” Ben yelled sarcastically. “I guess I couldn’t pick ’em up!”

A man walks into a flower shop and discovers something new: a bonsai palm tree in a pot. As he admires the plant he says, “With fronds like these, who needs anemones?”

Q: Why was the cat afraid of the tree? A: Because of its bark.

Q:Why are the avenues in Paris lined with trees? A:Because Germans like to march in the shade.

Two robins were sitting in a tree. “I’m really hungry,” said the first one. “Let’s fly down and find some lunch.” They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more. “I’m so full, I don’t think I can fly back up into the tree,” said the first one. “Let’s just lay back here and bask in the warm sun,” said the second. “OK,” said the first. So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat came up and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought… “I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS.”

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap. GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don’t hurt. 3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD 1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there. 4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the bathroom something terrible. After a long search he just couldn’t find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up. “Look here, old chap, what are you doing?” the officer asked. “I’m sorry,” the American replied, but I really gotta go.” “You can’t do that here,” the officer told him. “Look, follow me.” The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. “Here,” said the policeman, “whiz away.” The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started urinating on the flowers. “Ahhh,” he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, “This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?” “No,” retorted the policeman. “It’s the French Embassy.”

What did the fisherman say to the street magician? Pick a cod, any cod!

Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree? A: Wave

One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted in him getting his eye gouged out. He was rushed to hospital, and, after awaking from an emergency operation, was told by the doctor that he’d been given a glass eye. The man looked in the mirror to see the result, and was shocked to see that, whereas his original eye colour was blue, his new glass eye was brown. The man was outraged. ”I can’t walk around like this!!” “Sir,” the doctor said, “there is a severe shortage on blue eyes. We had to give you a brown one. If somehow you can get hold of a blue eye, and bring it here to the hospital, we will happily fit it for you.” A few weeks later, the man was driving home from work late one night during a big storm. Suddenly, the car in front of him lost control and skidded off the road before finally hitting a tree. The man screeched to a halt, and ran down the embankment to see if he could help. He found the driver of the car sprawled out over the wreckage, dead as a doornail…with a blue glass eye! As it was so late at night and during such a big storm, noone was about. So the man proceeded to get a screwdriver and removed one of the deceased man’s blue eyes, replacing it with his brown glass eye. He raced down to the local hospital to have the replacement blue eye fitted. A few days later, the man was driving along the same stretch of road when he saw the police examining the crash scene and towing the car wreck away. Concerned to find out if the police were on to him, the man decided to go over to try and see if the police had any leads. “Excuse me, sir,” said the policeman. “Do you know anything about this at all?” “No, constable”, said the man. “Well, we can’t figure this out. Somehow, this bloke managed to drive 40 miles with two glass eyes!”

A willow tree walks into a bar, and a guy sitting next to the counter says to the bartender, Who’s the new guy? And the bartender says, I don’t know, but I’ve heard he’s a shady character!

It’s wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here.

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn’t even pay for your sandwich!” “Hey, man, I’m a PANDA!” the panda shouts back. “Look it up!” The manager opens his dictionary and reads: “Panda: a tree-dwelling mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, “Let’s get off the corner people.” A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, “Let’s get off that corner… NOW!” Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, “Well, how did I do?” Pretty good,” chuckled the vet, “especially since this is a bus stop.”

Q:Why are the avenues in Paris lined with trees? A:Because Germans like to march in the shade.

A doctor was walking down the street one day when he noticed coming towards him one of his 85 year old patients with a very beautiful, well-built young lady on his arm. He was looking the happiest he had ever seen him. When the old guy noticed the doctor he went up to him and said, “Well Doc. I took your advice and look at me.” Puzzled, the doctor asked what the advice was. “You told me to get a hot Mama and be very cheerful,” he replied. “Oh no. I told you that you had got a heart murmur and to be very careful.”

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I’m going crazy!” “Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink, “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.” “How much do you charge?” “A hundred dollars per visit.” “I’ll sleep on it,” said the man. Six months later the doctor met the man on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist. “For a hundred buck’s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.” “Is that so! How?” “He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”

Q: What does an apple and an apple tree have in common? A: They both don’t drive tractors.

A Texan walks in to a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. Ill give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texans offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good? asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya dont mind me askin, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? The Irishman replies, Oh I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and headed home. As he was walking to the parking lot toward his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, “Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago” “Yes,” the golfer responded. “Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course” the cop asked. “Yes, I did. How did you know” the golfer asked. “Well,” said the policeman very seriously, “Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver’s windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn’t make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it” The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, “I think I’ll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.”

Two guys immigrate to America. On their first day off the boat they are wandering around New York City seeing the sights. As lunch time approaches they decide they are hungry. They then come up to a street vendor selling hot dogs. One says to the other in a shocked tone, “My God. Do they eat dogs in America?” “I don’t know!” says the other, equally appalled. “Well,” says the first, “we’re going to be Americans, so we must do as they do.” They approach the vendor bravely. “Two hot dogs, please.” The vendor hands them their food in a pair of paper sacks. The two immigrants sit on a park bench to eat their lunch. One looks inside his sack, hesitates and turns to his partner and says, “Uh, which part of the dog did you get?”

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and it was directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right over that tree.” With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.”

A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a “more humane” solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower’s Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, “Son, I don’t think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain’t f*ckin’ our sheep – they’re eatin’ ’em.”

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.” Passenger: “Who?” Cabby: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right – all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.” Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.” Cabby: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy” Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special” Cabby: “There’s more…….He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.” Passenger. “Wow, some guy then.” Cabby: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake” Passenger. “Mmm, there’s not many like him around.” Cabby: “And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too – he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.” Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?” Cabby: “Well, I never actually met Frank.” Passenger: “Then how do you know so much about him?” Cabby: “I married his freakin’ widow.”

A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the place and find out the cause. So the sociologists, anthropologists, birth control specialists and other concerned scientists moved to the town prepared to do a six-month study of the causes of the town’s high birth rate. The day the research testing and all was to begin, the director of the million-dollar project stopped off at the single cafe in town and ordered coffee. When the waiter delivered his drink, the scientist detained him for a moment and asked, “Can you give me an idea was to why your town, above all others in this country, has such a high birth rate?” The waiter thought a moment, then said, “I think I can. You see, every morning at 4:00, the C&A; Railroad comes through town and blows its whistle at all three street crossings. That wakes up the folks here and, as you can guess, it’s too darn late to go back to sleep and too darn early to get up.”

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, “Hello.” I politely said, “This is Andrew. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?” Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You’re an assh*le!” and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ‘assh*le’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an assh*le!” It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic ‘assh*le’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I’m just calling to see if you’re familiar with the Caller ID program?” He yelled, “NO!” and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an assh*le!” One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his car window …so, I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first assh*le, (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW assh*le too. I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?” “Yes, it is.” “Can you tell me where I can see it?” “Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house, and the car’s parked right out in front.” “What’s your name?” I asked. “My name is Don Hansen,” he said. “When’s a good time to catch you, Don?” “I’m home every evening after five.” “Listen, Don, can I tell you something?” “Yes?” “Don, you’re an assh*le.” Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assh*les to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn’t as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Assh*le #1. “Hello.” “You’re an assh*le!” (But I didn’t hang up.) “Are you still there?” he asked. “Yeah,” I said. “Stop calling me,” he screamed. “Make me,” I said. “Who are you?” he asked. “My name is Don Hansen.” “Yeah? Where do you live?” “Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black beamer parked in front.” He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.” I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, assh*le.” Then I called Assh*le #2. “Hello?” he said. “Hello, assh*le,” I said. He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…” “You’ll what?” I said. “I’ll kick your ass,” he exclaimed. I answered, “Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.” Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two assh*les beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew. NOW, I feel better! Anger management at it’s very best.

Three guys are walking down the street, two of them walk into a bar…. the third one ducks

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. “It’s a very handy thing,” God told them, “and I was wondering if either one of you would like that.” When Adam saw it, he jumped up and down and begged “Oh, give that to me! I’d love to have that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be have. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me.” On and on he went like an excited little boy. So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while. God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, “Well, here’s the other thing and I guess you can have it.” “What’s it called? Eve asked. “Brains” God said.

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go way ! And let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. “OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. “Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked. “Yes, Yes, Yes!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy. “Good!” said the first bat, “Because I didn’t!”

I think Santa Claus is a woman …. I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It’s as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they – with amazing calm – call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem suprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it’s an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) on this count alone, I’m convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen’s rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he’d still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle. Other reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a man: – Men can’t pack a bag. – Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. – Men would feel their masculinity is threatened.. having to be seen with all those elves. – Men don’t answer their mail. – Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a “bowl full of jelly.” – Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them. – Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. – Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men …… Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, goodwill, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole’s version of “The Christmas Song” it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is. I just wish she’d quit dressing like a guy!!

A Jewish missionary went to Africa to educate a tribe of pygmies called Trids. After a few weeks, during the first full moon, the Rabbi noticed the Trids getting nervous. Then all of a sudden, a giant gorilla came out of the jungle and started kicking the Trids up in the trees. The Rabbi confronted the gorilla and said, “Pick on someone your own size!” The gorilla replied, “Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!”

REVISED HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM FOR SO. CAL. NAME______________________________ GANG NAME_________________________ 1) Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold? 2) Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus’ $800 per day crack habit? 3) Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make a 20% profit. How many ounces will he need? 4) Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4×4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes, and 3 4×4’s, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900? 5) Raoul got 6 years for murder, he also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? **Extra credit question: How much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money??** 6) If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight-ounce cans of spray paint? 7) Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up? 8) Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the boa with one week’s salary? 9) Billy steals Joe’s skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his Magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked? REMEMBER SAY NO TO DRUGS. GOOD LUCK & NO TALKING.

Thank you for purchasing ‘Bubba & Cooter’s Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines’ brought to you by Bubba & Cooter. Enjoy! 1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea I can’t hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? cuz I’d like to sign you out 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel, I’d store my nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty’s only a light switch away. 8) Man – ‘Fat Penguin!’ Woman – ‘WHAT?’ Man – ‘I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.’ 9) I know I’m not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room… 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. AND.. the best for last! 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

Two robins were sitting in a tree. “I’m really hungry,” said the first one. “Let’s fly down and find some lunch.” They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more. “I’m so full, I don’t think I can fly back up into the tree,” said the first one. “Let’s just lay back here and bask in the warm sun,” said the second. “O K,” said the first. So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat came up and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought… “I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS.”

A housewife acquired a pet rabbit and taught it to do all kinds of tricks. She noticed, however, that the animal was very self-conscious and wouldn’t perform any time it was being observed, which defeated the purpose of teaching it to do tricks in the first place. If she walked into the room when the rabbit was in the middle of a trick, it would immediately stop. The woman solved the problem by concealing a video camera behind the refrigerator and filming its tricks. She showed the tape to her all friends, except for the neighbor across the street who were on vacation and missed the show. One afternoon, the lady had to fetch something from the room where the rabbit was kept. She opened the door, and immediately the rabbit cut short a cartwheel and cowered in the corner, refusing to do any more tricks. Just then, the neighbor across the street, who had returned from vacation, knocked on the door. “I understand you have a pet rabbit that does tricks?” she said. “You’ll have to settle for video tape,” the lady replied, “because I’ve just watched my hare, and I can’t do a thing with it.”

1. No cars up on blocks for longer than three weeks. 2. No changing your oil in the street. 3. No loud and wild parties without inviting the manager. 4. You may have no more than 3 beer can wind chimes each only having no more than 6 cans each. 5. Drunkenness will not be tolerated in the streets prior to 10 am. 6. While outside of your trailer you must be at least partially clothed.* 7. If you prefer to clean your trailer in the nude, please close the curtains. * 8. When bringing in the Jerry Springer or COPS film crews, please provide the management prior written notice so that certain residents may be forewarned. 9. Empty beer bottles should not be discarded on the front lawn. However, they may remain there until you are sober enough to collect them with the understanding you will collect them within 7 days whether sober or not. 10. When bringing dates home to your trailer, please be advised that in the event the sidewalks need to be repaired or replaced due to the weight of your date, you will be responsible for all cost incurred. Note* (Exemptions to rules 6 & 7 may be provided to women between the ages of 18 and 35. Please submit a photograph to the manager for approval.) Following these simple rules should make your stay in our trailer park more enjoyable for everyone.

It’s out! Brand new edition of… “You know you’re A redneck when……” 1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly Swatter. 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 4. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 5. You think the “nutcracker” is something you do off the high dive. 6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture. 7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it. 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 9. You come back from the dump with more than you took. 10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 12. Your grandmother has “ammo” on her Christmas list. 13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower. 14. You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 15. You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program. 16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 17. You have a rag for a gas cap. 18. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does. 19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. 20. You can spit without opening your mouth. 21. You consider your license plate personalized because your Father made it. 22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say “Cool Whip” on the side. 24. The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart. 25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 26. You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table. 27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of Improvements. 28. You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back. 29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on Jury Duty. 30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

A lady was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when she happened to notice a weight machine. She fumbled through her purse for a dime and went over to the machine and inserted the coin. Out came a card that said “You weigh 126 pounds. and in 30 seconds you will pass gas”. Sure enough, after 30 seconds, she passed wind. Astonished that the machine was correct, she found another dime and returned to the weight machine. After inserting the coin, out popped another card that read “you still weigh 126 pounds and in 30 seconds, you will be ravished” Again, after 30 seconds, 2 men came out of an alley, dragged her back into the alley and attacked her. Afterward, fumbling through her purse, she managed to find another dime. She dragged herself over to the weight machine and put in her last dime. Again a little card popped out that said, “you still weigh 126 pounds, and while you were farting and fooling around, you missed your bus”.

After a tornado tore through town, thankfully no one was hurt. The trees were stripped bare, though. God breathed a sigh of releaf.

Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk. The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, “I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks”. To which the second gal replied, “You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don’t even have insurance!” And the third proclaimed, “I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!” They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: “Ladies, I don’t think you understand. Chunks is my dog.”

Old Boxer A cop walking his usual beat sees an old man pulling a box on a leash, down a busy street. “Poor man,” the cop thinks to himself. “I’d better go humor him.” “That’ a nice dog you got there,” says the cop to the old man. “It isn’t a dog, it’s a box,” replies the old man. “Oh, I’m sorry,” says the policeman, “I thought you were simple-minded.” The old man walks past the cop, then turns to his box, and says, “We sure fooled him that time, didn’t we, Rover?”

Ask me if I’m a tree. Huh? Ask me if I’m a tree. Are you a tree? No.

Q: What kind of math class did the acorn take when it grew up? A: Gee-I’m-a-tree!

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I’m going crazy!” “Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink, “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.” “How much do you charge?” “A hundred dollars per visit.” “I’ll sleep on it,” said the man. Six months later the doctor met the man on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist. “For a hundred buck’s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.” “Is that so! How?” “He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, “Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!” The passerby says, “You are mistaken, I am a Mexican.” The man goes on and encounters another passerby. “Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America .” The person says, “I not American, I Vietnamese.” The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, “Thank you for wonderful America ! That person puts up his hand and says, “I am from Middle East .. I am not American.” He finally sees a nice lady and asks, “Are you an American?” She says, “No, I am from Africa Puzzled, he asks her, “Where are all the Americans? The African lady checks her watch and says, “Probably at work.”

A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report: MOST HONORABLE SIR: YOU LEAVE HOUSE I WATCH HOUSE HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH. HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW. HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE. I LOOK IN WINDOW. HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE. HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE. HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE. I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OUT OF TREE. I NOT SEE. NO FEE, CHEN LEE.

For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to conduct a survey. He chose to find out peoples’ favorite pastimes. The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building near the university. He knocked on the first door and a man answered. “Sir, what is your name?” asked the student. “John.” “Sir, I’m doing a school study and would like to know what is your favorite pastime?” “Watching bubbles in the bath,” came the reply. He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he came to the next door. He asked again, “Sir, what is your name ?” “Jeff.” “Sir, Would you please tell me your favorite pastime?” “Watching bubbles in a bath,” was the answer. Quite amused and confused, he went on to ask a good number of people in the building and all of them had the same pastime… “watching bubbles in a bath”. He left the building and walked across the street where there were several row houses, to continue the survey. At the first house, he knocks and an attractive girl opens the door. Our surveyor starts again – “What is your name?” “Bubbles.”

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, “Stop making love down there!” “What’s the matter with you?” the husband said when the sailor climbed down. ‘”We weren’t making love.” “Sorry,” said the sailor, “From up there it looked like you were.” Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself, “By golly he’s right! It DOES look like they’re making love down there!”

Q: Have you seen the tree’s new car? A: It’s a two cedar.

Werner Heisenberg is driving down the street when a cop pulls him over. The cop walks up to the car, knocks on the window, and when Werner rolls it down, asks, “Sir, do you know how fast you were going?” “No,” replies Werner. “But I knew where I was!”

Once there was a cubical seed lying in a triangular forest. He buriedhimself in the spherical earth and went to sleep. Years later, he woke up,discovered what he had become, and exclaimed, “Gee I’m a tree!”

Once upon a time, a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, knowing there were many monkeys, went to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 each and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He then announced that he would buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the villagers efforts and they started catching monkeys again. Soon, the supply diminished and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the big city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf. The assistant told the villagers, “Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that my boss has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when my boss returns, you can sell them to him for $50.” The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars. They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys! Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WORKS!!! It doesn’t get much clearer than this……..

George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said, “I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me.” Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, “Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I’ll prove it to you.” Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver. “Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I’m home,” said Cheney. The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, “See! That guy was really stupid!” “No kidding,” replied George W. “There was a pay phone just around the corner… You could have called instead?”

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin. Bubba, where’d you git that truck?!?” Tammie give it to me” Bubba replied. “She give it to ya? I know’d she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a New truck?” “Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened. We wuz drivin’ out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres. Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, ‘Bubba, take whatever you want.’ So I took the truck! ” “Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!”

Zack was painting a tilt-in window when the latch gave way and the glass broke on his head. His cuts were minor but the bleeding was profuse. The paramedics arrived with screaming sirens and were followed by two squad cars and an ambulance. After they bandaged the victim’s head, it was decided that he should go with them to the hospital for stitches. As the blood-spattered painter was being led from his house, his wife saw a crowd of onlookers gathered across the street. Never at a loss for words, the wife called loudly to Zack, “Next time you’ll eat what I cook!”

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, “Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn’t it son?” The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, “Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn’t get into trouble because he told the truth.” The dad replied, “Well, son, George Washington’s father wasn’t in the cherry tree.”

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour and asks ‘Do you do custom work?’ ‘Why of course!’ ‘Good. I’d like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.’ ‘No problem,’ says the artist. ‘Strip from the waist down and get up on the table.’ After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos. ‘That doesn’t look like them!’ she complains loudly. ‘Oh yes it does,’ the artist says indignantly, ‘and I can prove it.’ With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk. ‘Well, what do you think?’ the woman asks, spreading her legs. ‘Do you know who these men are?’ The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. ‘I’m not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!’

Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator in South America. They follow his every move for months, and find out that every day at noon he goes outside and does his stretching exercises. So the assassins set up shop right across the street, get all of their sights set, load the guns, and have everything ready to go. Noon comes, no dictator… 10 minutes longer… no dictator. One assassin turns to the other and says, “Gee, I hope nothing happened to him.”

Ask me if I’m a tree. Huh? Ask me if I’m a tree. Are you a tree? No.

A state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. “Ma’am, is there a reason that you’re weaving all over the road?” The woman replied, “Oh officer, thank goodness you’re here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!” Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror,the officer replied, “Ma’am…that’s your air freshener.”

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.” The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.” The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. “Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?” “I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered. “Oh yeah?” the man asked. “And where the hell were you when I got married?”

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out….. a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house. The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn’t shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all. The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air. She spoke to the other bum and said, “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!” The other bum says, “Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. ‘HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?”

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: ‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’ Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’ ‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’ ‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’

An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, “I’m sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live.” “But Doctor,” Bill replied, “I feel great. I haven’t felt better in years. This just can’t be true. Isn’t there anything I can do?” After a moment the doctor said, “Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day.” Excitedly Bill asked, “And that will cure me?” “No,” replied the doctor, “but it will get you used to the dirt.”

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Billy Bob that she would send someone out right away. Where do you live?” asked the operator. Billy Bob replied, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.” The operator asked, “Can you spell that for me?” There was a long pause and finally Billy Bob said, “How ’bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?”

Q: Two Pretzels were walking down the street. A: One was assaulted.

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces a ll over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?” And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

How does an elephant climb a tree? He hides in an acorn and waits for a bird to carry him up.

Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living in Western Kentucky out on a farm up in the hills. Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn’t know what to do to empty the hole. Ma says, “Why don’t you go ask the young’n down the road? He must be smart ’cause he’s a college gradjyate.” . So Pa drives down to the neighbor’s house and asks him, “Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don’t know what to do to empty it.” The young’n tells him, “Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it’s in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.” Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree. All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite .. shooting the outhouse into the air. BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite … spreading poop all over the farm. WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole. Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, “Ma, are you all right??!!” As she pulls up her panties she says, “Yeah, but I’m sure glad I didn’t fart in the kitchen.

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be…? This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. If I throw a stick, will you leave? If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cats. Does your train of thought have a caboose? Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. A PBS mind in an MTV world. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. A woman’s favorite position is CEO. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door number 1? I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done. I plead contemporary insanity. How do I set a laser printer to stun? Meandering to a different drummer. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. “Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,” says the shop owner, “and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.” “You can keep the story, old man,” he replies, “but I’ll take the rat.” The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water’s edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. “Ah, so you’ve come back for the rest of the story,” says the owner. “No,” says the tourist, “I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer.”

A mafia Don was golfing with two golf associates: a deaf man and his interpreter lawyer. Since the Don was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from his private businesses, he ask the lawyer to ask the deaf man if he was willing to help. This way if he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police about what he was doing. The deaf man accepted. On his first week, the deaf man picked up over $50,000. He decided to keep the money and stashed it in a safe place. The mafia Don realized that the collection was late, and he sent a hood after the deaf collector. The hood found the deaf collector and ask him where the money was. The deaf couldn’t communicate with him, so the mafia hood drags the guy to the lawyers office to interpret. The mafia hood says to the lawyer, “Ask him where da money is.” The lawyer signs, “Where’s the money?” The deaf man replies, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The lawyer tells the hood, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.” The hood pulls out a .38 gun and places it in the ear of the basketball star and says, “NOW ask him where da money is.” The lawyer signs, “Where is the money?” The deaf man replies, “The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate .” The lawyer says to the hood, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about, and doesn’t think you have the balls to pull the trigger.”

An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as one of their own. This adoption led to some peculiar behaviors on the part of the rabbit. It had a tendency to scurry up trees like its step-siblings instead of hopping along the ground. And it ate acorns and nuts instead of carrots. By the time it was half grown, the rabbit realized that it was different, so it went to its step-parents to discuss the problem. He said he was unsure of his place in the universe and was generally forlorn. His step-parents advised, “Don’t scurry. Be hoppy.”

Q: What is lemonade? A: When you help an old lemon across the street.

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Cleveland to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said, “Hey Luigi, how wassah de treepa?” Luigi said, “Everytinga wassah perfecto except for da traina ride down.” “Whadda you mean, Luigi?” asked Giovanni.” Well, we boarda da train at Granna Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she packa bigga basket a food. She broughta vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were looking a forward to da trip. Everytinga wassah okey dokey until we getta hungry and open uppa da luncha basket. The conductore comma by, wagga hissa finger at us an say, “no eat in dissa car. Musta use a dining car.” “So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a bigga luncha and start to open a bottle of nice vino! Conductore walka by again, waga hissa finger and say, “No drinka in dissa car. Musta use a club a car.” So, we go to club car. “While drinkin vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he wagga hissa finger again and say, “No smokin in dissa car. Musta go to smokin car. We go to smokin car and I smoka my biga cigar.” “Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at da top of hissa voice, “Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!” “Next time, Ima gonna takea da bus!”

A man goes to the confessional. “Forgive me father, for I have sinned.” “What is your sin, my child?” The priest asks back. “Well,” the man starts, “I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible.” “When did you do use this awful language?” said the priest. “I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100yards.” “Is that when you swore?” “No, Father.” Said the man. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.” “Is THAT when you swore?” asked the Father again. “Well, no.” said the man, “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!” “Is THAT when you swore?” asked the amazed Priest. “No, not yet.” The man replied. “As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.” “Did you swear THEN?” asked the now impatient Priest. “No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.” “You missed the f*cking putt, didn’t you?” sighed the Priest.

There was a chicken farmer who lived in a village in China. One year,his chickens were afflicted with a strange blight that caused them to lose their feathers. The farmer was deeply concerned about this, because winter was coming, and, if the chickens had no feathers, they would freeze to death. So, the farmer decided to consult the two wisest men in the land. First,he visited Mr. Hing, the renowned scholar. Mr. Hing leafed through all his agricultural and medicinal texts and pored over books and scrolls well into the night. Finally, he returned to the farmer and told him that, if he crushed the leaves of a gum tree into powder, made it into tea, and fed it to his chickens, they would be cured.The farmer then went to Mr. Ming, the great seer. Mr. Ming cast stones, read tea leaves, and poked through entrails until finally he came up with the answer: “As surely as gum causes a shoe to stick to the ground,tea made from gum leaves will cause feathers to stick to chickens. “Now the farmer was ecstatic. The two wisest men in the land had given him exactly the same prescription. So, as soon as he returned home, he took some gum leaves and made tea from them. He mixed this with the chicken feed and fed it to his chickens. But it didn’t work.The chickens continued to lose their feathers, and, with the onset of winter, they all froze.The moral of this story: “All of Hing’s courses and all of Ming’s ken couldn’t get gum tea to feather a hen.”

What did you hear about the tree who was in love? He pined everyday.

Come And Visit Often Pardon Me For Not Getting Up – I Feel Like Lying Down Gone Fishing – Permanently Don’t Come In Yet – Wait Til Later Now Is Not The Time To Ask Me Again There Is Always Lots Of Room Here If You Can’t Say Anything Nice About Me Then Leave Forever A Mess I Must Confess In The Beginning I Was Small, Now I Am Nothing At All If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, You’ll Join Them Here The Only Regrets I Have Are Those Things I Didn’t Do Time Waits For No One But I Wouldn’t Have Minded A Bit Of A Delay I Never Claimed To Know Anything, So Why Am I Here? I wasn’t Always Like This I Never Asked For The Lights To Dim Wishing You Were Here Sad As It Is, I’ll Never Yell At You Again Here lies an honest lawyer, And that is Strange. I was somebody. Who, is no business Of yours. As the flowers are all made sweeter by the sunshine and the dew, So this old world is made brighter by the lives Of folks like you. — Bonnie Parker (Bonnie and Clyde) John Brown is filling his last cavity. — Dentist’s Tombstone I told you that I was sick! — Georgia Cemetary, USA Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake; Stepped on the gas instead of the brake. — Pennsylvania Tombstone, USA Remember man, as you walk by, As you are now, so once was I, As I am now, so shall you be, Remember this and follow me. — Tombstone in England To follow you I’ll not consent, Until I know which way you went. — Written on the tombstone in reply to one above The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna, Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna. — England Tombstone Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there’s only the pod; Pease shelled out and went to God. — Massachusetts Tombstone Gone away, Owin’ more than he could pay. — England Alien tears will fill for him; Pity’s long-broken ern. For his mourners will be outcast men, And outcasts always mourn. — Oscar Wilde’s Tombstone It was a Cough That carried him Off,It was a Coffin They Carried him Off In “The defense rests” Here lies Johnny Yeast, Pardon me For not rising. Auctioneer:Going! Going!! Gone!!! Effie Jean Robinson: Come blooming youths, as you pass by , And on these lines do cast an eye. As you are now, so once was I; As I am now, so must you be; Prepare for death and follow me. Upon which someone scribbled: To follow you I am not content, How do I know Which way you went. Bill Blake Was hanged by mistake. Here lays Butch, We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, But slow on the draw. I would rather be here than in Texas. Here lies the body Of Margaret Bent She kicked up her heels, And away she went. Here he lies, James T. Carson, He blew up his wife, and was hung for arson. Here lies the body of John Round: Lost at sea, and never found.

Leo, our neighbor, came home with a birdhouse one day. My husband kidded him, asking how many birds could afford deluxe accommodations in our suburban neighborhood. “Leave that to me,” Leo replied. Soon that birdhouse was dangling from a tree with a neat sign that read: “Room for wren–cheep.”

A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaii woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe. The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely unpeckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the challenge. After flying to California, the Hawaii woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem. So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Californian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the Californian tree, but neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state? After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion – your pecker is always harder when you’re away from home.

A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap clamped onto his testicles. As the horrified doctor was examining him, he said “Man, how did this happen?” The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt the call of nature. Bending down by a tree, the bear trap was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles. “Oh,” exclaims the doctor, “The pain must have been excruciating!” “It was,” said the hunter. “The second worst pain in my life.” “Second worst? What could have been worse than that?” “Coming to the end of the chain” said the hunter.

Why was the cat afraid of the tree? Because of its bark.

a snare drum and crash cymbol fall out of a tree.. baduumm, tssshhh

A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, “Hey! What do you have in the bag?” The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag. His friend says, “Well, I’ll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you’ll have to give me one.” The man says, “I’ll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I’ll give you both of them.”

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set “L” of lumber for a set “M” of money. The cardinality of set “M” is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set “M”. The set “C”, the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set “M”. Represent the set “C” as a subset of set “M” and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set “P” of profits? Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question? How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers. Teaching Math in 2000: By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment. Teaching Math in 2006: A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and when demand for their product is down the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3 weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move? Teaching Math in 2007: A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying costs?

If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.

“How come you’re late?” asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress walked into the bar. “It was awful,” she explained. “I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course. “What did you do?” asked the bartender. “I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!”

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself – I’m not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn’t be able to answer the questions and he’d be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument. The first question was, “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.” Boudreaux says, “Dat’s easy” and proceeds to draw three trees. The boss says, “What in the world is that?” Boudreaux says, “Tree ‘n tree ‘n tree makes nine.” “Fair enough” says the boss. “Second questions, same rules, but represent 99”. Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. “Der ya go sir,” he says. The boss scratches his head and asks, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?” Boudreaux answers, “Each tree is dirty now, so it’s dirty tree ‘n dirty tree ‘n dirty tree – dat 99.” The boss is getting worried he’s going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, “All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100.” Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, “I got it!” He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Der ya go sir – 100.” The boss looks at Boudreaux’s attempt and thinks, “Ha! got him this time.” He then tells Boudreaux, “Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100.” Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, “A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an’ a turd, dirty tree an’ a turd, and dirty tree an’ a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job?”

Q: What goes up but doesn’t come down? A: A kangaroo stuck in a tree.

Surprisingly, the only Street Fighter II move based on one of Chuck Norris’ was Chun-Li’s. Chuck Norris prefers to travel by performing four upside-down double-roundhouse kicks per second.

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be Able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

One day little Johnny went to school. His teacher said they were going to play a game. She would place an object behind her and describe it. The first person to get it got a piece of candy. First she said, “The object is red and grows on trees.” A kid raised his hand and said “an apple” the teacher said correct. Then she said, “The object is flat and comes in different colors” a different kid raises his hand and said it is a notebook! The teacher said correct. Then Johnny said, “ooh! ooh! Can I try?” The teacher said yes. He stood up and put his hand in his pocket. He said “The object is round, hard, and has a head on it.” The teacher said “JOHNNY! GO TO THE OFFICE!!” Johnny said, “No it’s a quarter!”

What goes up but doesn’t come down? A kangaroo stuck in a tree.

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: ”Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.” The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: ”Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.” The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. ”Where are you?” the man asked. ”Who are you?” ”I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered. ”Oh yeah?” the man asked… ”And where the hell were you when I got married?”