Turtle Jokes

In the middle of the forest, a turtle and a snail have a gruesome head-on collision. The snail is rushed to the emergency room, where a doctor asks what happened. On the edge of consciousness, the snail responds, ‘I don’t know, Doc. It all happened so fast.’

Q: What did the snail say when he jumped on the turtle’s back? A: Wheeeeee!

Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig’s blood.

What do turtles do for fun? Play hide and shell.

Q: What do turtles do for fun? A: Play hide and shell.

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought George W. Bush was doing as President. The old man said, “Ya know, Bush is a post turtle.” Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a “post turtle” was. He said, “Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn’t get there by himself, he doesn’t belong there, he can’t get anything done while he’s up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. That’s a post turtle.”

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either. 2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound the make as they go flying by. 3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? 4. I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode. 5. Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. 6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. 7. Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it. 8. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue. 9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again. 10. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. 11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the hell is the ceiling?!” 12. My Reality Check bounced. 13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. 14. I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier. 15. You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. 16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, ‘cuz, like to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. 17. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo. 18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it EF’D UP? Everyone has a photographic memory; it’s just that some of us are out of film. How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges? If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while your ahead”?! If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked? What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way? What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

What did the snail say when he jumped on the turtle’s back? Wheeeeee!

Q: What did the snail say as he rode on the back of a turtle? A: Wheeee!

The Elephant and the Turtle An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river. “What did you do that for?” Asked a passing giraffe. “Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago.” “Wow, what a memory” commented the giraffe. “Yes,” said the elephant, “turtle recall”.

What do you get when you cross yarn with a turtle? A slow-poke blanket!

Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don’t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!

Looking for a good retractable leash. when I walk my turtle I hate when it gets to far ahead of me

A snail gets mugged by a gang of turtles. The cops show up and ask him what happened. “I don’t know,” he replies. “It all happened so fast.”

A truck of Terrapins crashed into a truck of tortoises. It was a turtle disaster.

My favourite teacher at school was Mrs Turtle…She tortoise a lot!

My favourite teacher back in school was Mrs Turtle.Funny name, but she tortoise well.

My favourite teacher back in school was Mrs Turtle.Funny name, but she tortoise well.

A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back.“I am a turtle,” he says.“Who’s on your back?”“That’s Michelle.”

My favourite teacher back in school was Mrs Turtle.Funny name, but she tortoise well.