Vase Jokes

A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in. He says “What’s this?” She says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.” He says, “Jeez…oooh….I…” She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was thehusband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts. A malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing , tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.”

Fred and Mary get married but couldn’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred’s Mom and Dad’s house for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, ‘No’. Johnny asks, ‘Do you know what I think?’ His mom replies, ‘I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.’ Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, ‘Are Fred and Mary up yet?’ She replies, ‘No.’ Johnny says, ‘Do you know what I think?’ His mom replies, ‘Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school .’ After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, ‘Are Fred and Mary up yet?’ His mom says, ‘No.’ He asks, ‘Do you know what I think?’ His mom replies, ‘Ok, now tell me what you think?’ He says: ‘Last night Fred came t o my room for the Vaseline and I think… I gave him my airplane glue.’

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, ‘Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.’ The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, ‘You don’t like getting flowers?’ The redhead says, ‘I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.’ The blonde says, ‘Don’t you have a vase?

Way down in Louisiana, Boudreaux’s old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. So he brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, “Hey, Boudreaux! You just had you-self a son! Ain’t dat grand!” Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, “Hold on! We ain’t finished yet!” The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, “Hey, Boudreaux! You got you-self a daughter! She a pretty lil ting, too.” Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, “Hold on, we still ain’t got done yet!” The doctor then delivered another boy and said, “Boudreaux, you just had you-self another boy!” When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their 3 children, he sat down with his wife and said, “Mama, you remember dat night what we run out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere tree-in-one Oil?” His wife said, “Yeah, I do!” Boudreaux said, “Man, it’s a dang good ting we didn’t use no WD-forty.

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: it’s triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago. 2. Good: Your wife’s not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She’s a lawyer. 3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing. Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you. 4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. Bad: Your wife can’t find her birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them. 5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion. Bad: He’s a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than your wife. 6. Good: You give the ‘birds and bees’ talk to your 10 year old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections. 7. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It’s another man. Ugly: He’s your best friend. 8. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do.

The key to sex after you had children is Vaseline. Put a liberal amount on your bedroom door handles…Stops them getting in!

I went to my family doctor to get a referral for a vasectomy.He asked, “Are you sure your wife doesn’t want to have any more children?”I said, “No, but I am pretty sure my secretary doesn’t want to have any more abortions!”

Just saw our next door neighbour getting a bunch of flowers delivered.I said, “Nice flowers love.”She said, “Yeah, but I’ll be spending all weekend flat on my back with my legs in the air now.”I said, “Bloody hell, get the tight bastard to buy you a fucking vase!”

Batman came up to me, hit me over the head with a vase and went, “T’PAU!”I said, “Don’t you mean KAPOW?”He said, “No, I’ve got China in my hand!”

A blonde & a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunettes boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, “My boyfriend is buying me flowers again. Now, I’ll be expected to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air.”The blonde says, “Don’t you have a vase?”

My wife was allowed to visit me one last time before I started my prison sentence.“I’ve baked you a cake,” she said, “And I’ve hidden something inside it that might help you in there.”“What is it ?” I asked nervously, “A tiny rock hammer ?”“No silly, a tub of Vaseline!”

Occasionally, I like to go to Walmart, buy a jar of Vaseline, a cucumber and a Bottle of Gin and wink at the cashier

Gay dude was reading a holiday brochure then he tells his partner, “This year we should try Greece.” His partner looks up and ask him. “Whts wrong with the Vaseline?”

Guy gets wife roses. She says “I guess this means you want me on my back w my legs in the air?” He says, “Why, we don’t have a Vase?

I got a vasectomy because I didn’t want kids.But when I came home they were still there.

They told me I’d never be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they’re really lovely.

They said i couldn’t be good at poetry because i’m dyslexic.But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.