“Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.” “I love cats…they taste just like chicken” “Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.” “Cover me. I’m changing lanes.” “As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools” “Happiness is a belt-fed weapon” “Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.” “Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.” “I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…. …Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car….” “Montana – At least our cows are sane!” “The gene pool could use a little chlorine.” “I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.” “Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!” “It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.” “When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.” “I took an IQ test and the results were negative.” “If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?” “Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!” “It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.” “Reality? That’s where the pizza delivery guy comes from!” “Forget about World Peace….. Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!” “Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.” “Give me ambiguity or give me something else.” “We are bom naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.” “Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.” “He who laughs last thinks slowest”
- Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.
- I am not a vegetarian because i love animals but i am a vegetarian because i hate plants
- Ways To Confuse Your Roommate 1. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest any time your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Big Mac” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach every time your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. 2. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate’s head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning. 3. Every time your roommate walks in yell, “Hooray! You’re back!” as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, “Shouldn’t you be going somewhere?” 4. Trash the room when your roommate’s not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, “Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were here again.” 5. Every time you see your roommate yell, “You son of a…” and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream. 6. Set your roommate’s bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you’ve been watching too much “Punk’d”. Do it again. Tell him/her that you’re not sorry because this time, they deserved it. 7. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you’ve been having terrible nightmares. 8. Eat lots of “Lucky Charms.” Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can’t say anything more, or you’ll have to face the consequences. 9. Set up meetings with your roommate’s faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the same. 10. “Drink” a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
- Things You Would NEVER Hear A Redneck Say “I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex” Duct tape won’t fix that. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken. We don’t keep firearms in this house. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? You can’t feed that to the dog. I thought Graceland was tacky. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe. Wrasslin’s fake. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? We’re vegetarians. Do you think my hair is too big? I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering? Who’s Richard Petty? Give me the small bag of pork rinds. Deer heads detract from the decor. Spitting is such a nasty habit. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today. Trim the fat off that steak. Cappuccino tastes better that espresso. The tires on that truck are too big. I’ll have the arugula and ridicchio salad. I’ve got it all on a floppy disk. Unsweetened tea tastes better. Would you like you fish poached or broiled? My fiance, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. Checkmate. She’s too old to be wearing a bikini. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen. I don’t have a favorite college team. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. I believe you cooked those green beans too long. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Moonbeam. Elvis who?
- Any vegetarians out there fancy a very tasty snack, but want the guarantee of no meat in it whatsoever? I suggest a Steak Bake from Greggs!
- A vegetarian looked at my burger and said, “You know, a cow died so you could have that burger.”Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded, “Maybe it died because you keep eating all its food!”
- This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from vegetarian club. I was confused, I’d never met herbivore.
- How do you kill a vegetarian vampire? With a steak to the heart.
- Today a girl said she recognised me from vegetarian club, but I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore.
- I left some Quorn behind in the supermarket so I went back to the till and asked, “I don’t suppose you saw my vegetarian mince?”The shop assistant replied, “No, but walk up and down a bit and I’ll give you an honest opinion!”
- I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
- A woman just stopped me on the pavement, said she recognized me from the vegetarian club.But I’m certain I haven’t met herbivore.
- I’ve just discovered that Bruce Lee had a vegetarian brother…Broco Lee.
- What does a vegetarian zombie eat?Grains.
- A Woman just stopped me on the sidewalk, said she recognised me from the vegetarian club.But I’m certain I hadn’t met herbivore.