Viagra Jokes

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: Are you the owner? The pharmacist answers, Yes. Jacob: Were about to get married. Do you sell heart medication? Pharmacist: Of course we do. Jacob: How about medicine for circulation? Pharmacist: All kinds. Jacob: Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis? Pharmacist: Definitely. Jacob: How about Viagra? Pharmacist: Of course. Jacob: Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice? Pharmacist: Yes, a large variety. The works. Jacob: What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinsons disease? Pharmacist: Absolutely. Jacob: You sell wheelchairs and walkers? Pharmacist: All speeds and sizes. Jacob: We would like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.

An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds. “No, not worth it!” “OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?” “No, not worth it!” “OK, 20?” “No, not worth it!” “How about 10?” “No, not worth it!” “Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?” “Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it.”

10. Your Viagra prescription includes a Popsicle stick and some duct tape. 9. The only 100% covered expense is embalming. 8. Your Prozac comes in colors and has little “m”s on each pill. 7. Preventive Care Coverage includes “an apple a day”. 6. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month. 5. The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy. 4. The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter. 3. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles. 2. Directions to the Dr.’s office include “Take a left when you enter the trailer park”. 1. The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter’s

A doctor is making his rounds in the hospital when he comes upon a guy with the worst case of sunburn he has ever seen. The poor guy is burnt raw from head to toe and is in agony. He says to the doctor, “Is there anything you can give me to ease this terrible pain?” So the doctor says, “Yes, I’ll prescribe you some Viagra”. “Viagra?” says the poor guy. “How will that help my sunburn?”. “It won’t help your sunburn much” says the doctor, “but at least it’ll keep the sheets off it!”

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course ibepokin.

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, “Where are you going?” He replies, “I’m going to the doctor.” She says, “Why, are you sick?” He says, “Nope, I’m going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.” Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat. He says, “Where the hell are you going”? She answers, “I’m going to the doctor, too.” He says, “Why, what do you need?” She says, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing, I’m getting a tetanus shot.”

A man walks into the dentist’s office and after the dentist examines him, the dentist says, “That tooth has to come out. I’m going to give you a shot of Novocain and I’ll be back in a few minutes.” The man grabs the dentist’s arm, “No way! I hate needles. I’m not having any shot!” So the dentist says, “Okay, we’ll have to go with the gas.” The man replies, “Absolutely not! It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I’m not having gas.” So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water. “Here,” he says, “Take this pill.” The man asks, “What is it?” The dentist replies, “Viagra.” The man looks surprised. “Will that kill the pain?” he asks. “No,” replies the dentist, “but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!”

A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast. “Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?” she asks. He declines. “Thanks for asking, but I’m not hungry right now. It’s this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?” she inquires. He declines. “The Viagra,” he says, “really trashes my desire for food.” Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. “Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken, or tasty stir fry?” He declines again. “Nah, still not hungry.” “Well,” she said, “would you mind letting me up? I’m starving.”

A man was laying on his back and fell asleep on the beach under the noon day sun. He suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra. Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, “What good will Viagra do him in that condition?” The doctor replied, “It will keep the sheets off of his legs.”

Two 80 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, and such, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra. The other wasn’t familiar with Viagra and asked the first man what it was for. The first man said, “It’s the greatest thing I’ve ever known. The Fountain of Youth!! Makes you feel like a man of 30.” The second then asked, “Can you get it over the counter?” “You probably could, if you took 2 pills”, said the first man.

Irish greyhound racing authorities have banned trainers from giving dogs the anti-impotence drug Viagra in case it is used to boost their performance on the track…” and “… Viagra could be used to raise the dogs’ blood pressure and therefore heart rate, making them run faster in the early stages of a race.” If Viagra really does offer an advantage to these dogs, wouldn’t the whole plan backfire? I mean, come on, it’d be really easy to spot which one was going to be the winner, wouldn’t it? “.. and it looks like the winner is going to be Rover, by a nose… wait, that’s not his nose…”

The AMA and NZMA has declared that the long term implications of drugs or medical procedures must be more fully considered. Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer’s Disease research. It is now projected that by the year 2015 there will be fifty million people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can’t remember what to do with them.

Two old guys were chatting….. One said to the other: “My 85th birthday was yesterday. The wife gave me an SUV”. Other guy responded: “Wow, that’s amazing!!….. Imagine, an SUV!!.. What a great gift!” First guy: “Yup !!…. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!”

The dentist pulls out a Novocain needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man’s tooth. ‘No way! No needles. I hate needles’ the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can’t do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. ‘No objection,’ the patient says. ‘I’m fine with pills.’ The dentist then returns and says, Here’s a Viagra tablet.’ The patient says, ‘Wow! I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain killer!’ It doesn’t’ said the dentist, ‘but it’s going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.

I bought a box of Viagra teabags last night…They do nothing for your sex life but they do stop your biscuit going soft when you dunk it!

I’m getting stressed after taking viagra… I’m worried stiff!

I found an old Viagra in my medicine cabinet. When I took it, it didn’t work…Must have been passed it’s swell by date!

I accidentally dropped a load of Viagra on the floor shortly after taking one. I was crawling around on all fives for about half an hour looking for them!

Viagra is for softies!

Just ordered some viagra online…Now I’m getting lots of pop-ups!

Don’t confuse laxatives with Viagra…It makes you crap in bed!

BREAKING NEWSBilbo Baggins has died of a viagra overdose…I guess Old Hobbits die hard!

Went into the bathroom to take a viagra and I dropped it down the toilet…It took four hours to put the lid down!

When asked what it was like getting over a Viagra addiction my buddy said,”Well my first few days were the hardest.”

I’ve been offered a new, highly demanding job testing the new Super-strength Viagra’. I think I’ll take it, how hard can it be?

Pfizer has come out with a new tablet after Viagra. To honor Tiger Woods, they have named it Tiagra. The punch line: Good for 18 holes.

I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.

I was in a band called Cheap Viagra.’ We never made it big.

One of the guys I work with overdosed on Viagra. His wife’s been taking it pretty hard.

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

I used to be in a band called Cheap Viagra’. We didn’t make it very big.

The reason old men use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It’s that old women are so very ugly.

The Kentucky Derby’s was last weekend, and officials were on the lookout for trainers who give their horses Viagra to make them run faster. Remember the old days when the horse would just win by a nose?

A report indicates Viagra can cause temporary hearing loss in men. So guys, you can have sex, but you can’t hear the woman talk afterwards. In a related story, Viagra sales have skyrocketed.

Hey scientists, you gave us Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra. How about you stop playing with your dicks and give us something for cancer?

Taking Viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!

Just bought some Viagra tea bags…They don’t improve your sex life, but they stop your biscuits going soft!

I got a box of Viagra teabags last night.They do nothing for your sex life but they do stop your biscuit going soft when you dunk it.

Well we just found out that my grandpa is addicted to ViagraAnd man my grandma sure is taking it hard.

My friend made a lot of money selling viagraI told him to keep it up!

I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn’t cure it,but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.

My Viagra addiction…Was the hardest time of my life.

I bought a box of Viagra teabags last night.They do nothing for your sex life but they do stop your biscuit going soft when you dunk it.

l overdosed on viagra the other day.It was the hardest day of my life.

I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn’t cure it.But it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.