Waitress Jokes

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House. The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, …”I’d like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit… “And what can I get for you, Mr. President?” George W. looking up from his menu, replies with his trademark wink and slight grin,…. “How about a quickie this morning?” “Why, Mr. President!” the waitress exclaims “How rude! You’re starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you’ve only been in your second term of office for a year! As the waitress storms away. Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers……….. “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’

“How come you’re late?” asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress walked into the bar. “It was awful,” she explained. “I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course. “What did you do?” asked the bartender. “I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!”

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts? No,” he replied, “arthritis”.

A man walks into a 50’s style diner and orders a hamburger. A few minutes later the waitress brings his food to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there’s a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, “Waitress, there’s a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!” So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his horror, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, “That’s disgusting!” Then the waitress turns to him and says, “You think that’s disgusting, you should see him make donuts.”

A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peel off prize. She pulls off the tab and yells, ‘I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!’ The waitress runs over and says, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!” The not very intelligent young lady replies, “No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!” By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, “You couldn’t possibly have won a motor homes because we didn’t have that as a prize!” Again the not very intelligent young lady says, “No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!” The not very intelligent young lady hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, “WIN A BAGEL.”

“How come you’re late?” asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress walked into the bar. “It was awful,” she explained. “I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course. “What did you do?” asked the bartender. “I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!”

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.” The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is … an auto parts store?” “No,” the cook said. “Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices crisp bacon.” “Oh, OK!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, “What are the beans for, Blondie?” She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up.”

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?” “I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $6.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and the ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.” Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the waitress. “No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,” says the man, “same for me,” says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, “That will be $12.62.”Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir.How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?” “Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.” “That’s brilliant!”says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!” “That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man. The waitress asks, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?” The man sighs, pauses, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

What’s For Lunch? A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, “What would you like, sir?” He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, “A quickie.” The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, “What would you like, sir?” Again the man thoroughly looks her over and, again, answers, “A quickie, please.” This time her anger takes over. She reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away. A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, “Um, Pal, I think it’s pronounced ‘quiche’.”

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?” ” No,” he replied, “arthritis.”

An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man’s milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man’s plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, “Humph, not much of a man, was he?” The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.” The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?” “No,” the cook said, “Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.” “Oh, OK!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, “What are the beans for, Blondie?” She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”

A new and inexperienced waitress tells another waitress she is concerned about being able to carry the heavy trays and serve from them. The other waitress explains that tray stands are placed throughout the restaurant. The nervous beginner serves all her lunches successfully, and afterwards asks an elderly couple if everything has been all right. “It was fine, dear,” replies the man, “but my wife and I have to leave now. Could she please have her walker back?”

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices large sign on the wall: $500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer’s table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, “You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that’s the first time in ten years we’ve been out of rye bread!”

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away) suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table. The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, “No he didn’t. He just walked in the door.”

In a restaurant last night with the wife, I said to the waitress, “Oh my, aren’t you pretty!” The waitress said, “Thank you sir.” My wife said, “Tell her about your erectile dysfunction.” I said to the waitress, “Allow me to introduce my erectile dysfunction. Her name is Mavis!”

Me and my mate were sat in a cafe this morning, when the waitress came over and said, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”So we swapped!

Whilst driving through Wales with my pal, we stopped off at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch for lunch.I asked the waitress, “Could you settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very slowly?”The waitress replied, “Burr gerr King!”

I was in a cafe today and two waitresses had a massive row over how long to leave a teabag in the cup and it got so bad it ended up in violence…I asked the manager what had happened and he told me it had been brewing for ages!

Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that’s ever served me. With just the tip.

So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses.

I couldn’t finish my dinner , so the waitress asked me: “do you wana box for that ?” I responded ” no , but i’ll arm wrestle you for it “

So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses…

I’m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday

Went to one of those cheap all you can eat Chinese restaurants last night and had to make a complaint to the waitress. “Excuse me, this chicken tastes really rubbery…” I said. “Ahhhh thank you very much, I get you some more!” She said.

Got myself a takeaway coffee today. I asked if I could pay by card.The waitress said, “Yes of course. What have you got?”I said, “The four of clubs!”

Waitress: How did you find your steak Sir?I just looked next to the potatoes and there it was.

I told the waitress my steak was bad. She picked it up, slapped it, and threw it back down.She said, If it gives you any more trouble, let me know.

A man walked into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail.The waitress smiled sweetly and said – Once upon a time, there was this handsome lobster…

Man: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu pleaseWaitress: *slaps his face*The men I please are none of your damn business!

Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?Waitress: slaps me across the face.The men I please are none of your business!