Wednesday Jokes

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker the second Wednesday of every month.

Leroy goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar. Leroy gets in line, and when it’s his turn, the preacher asks: “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?” Leroy replies: “Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.” The preacher puts one finger in Leroy’s ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy’s head and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks Leroy: “Leroy, how is your hearing now?” Leroy says, “I don’t know, Reverend, it’s not until next Wednesday.”

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Classes for Men Class 1: How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays. Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7. Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll. Does it Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturdays Class 3: Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat and Avoiding the Floor and Nearby Bathtub? Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturdays. Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor. Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays for 3 weeks. Class 5: After Dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate and Fly Into the Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours. Class 6: Loss of Identity – Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday. Class 7: Learning How to Find Things – Starting with looking in the right places instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open Forum. Monday Class 8: Real Men ask for Directions When Lost. Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays. Location to be determined. Class 9: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours. Class 10: Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while she parallel parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturdays at noon, 2 hours.

A man left work one Friday afternoon but, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the whole weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When He finally got home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was berated for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” To which he replied, “That would be fine with me.” Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough so that he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Monday: It’s fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. Tuesday: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn’t dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper. Wednesday: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can’t say it improved the rice any. Thursday: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden. Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left. Saturday: Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten. Sunday: Bob’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment. Good Night Dear Diary. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

MONDAY: It’s fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn’t dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper. WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can’t say it improved the rice any. THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden. FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left. SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy).For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten. SUNDAY: Tom’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment. GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week’s wages. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” To which he replied, ” That would be fine with me!” Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

SUNDAY: 0800 – My 33 Sons 0830 – Osama Knows Best 0900 – I Dream of Mohammed 0930 – Let’s Mecca Deal 1000 – The Kabul Hillbillies MONDAY: 0800 – Husseinfeld 0900 – Mad About Everything 0930 – Monday Night Stoning 1000 – Win Bin Laden’s Money 1030 – Allah McBeal TUESDAY: 0800 – Wheel of Terror 0830 – The Price is Right if Osama Says it’s Right 0900 – Children are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things 0930 – Taliban’s Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers 1000 – Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer WEDNESDAY: 0800 – Beat the Press 0830 – When Kurds Attack 0900 – Two Guys, a Girl, and Pita Bread 0930 – Just Shoot Everyone 1000 – Veilwatch THURSDAY: 0800 – Fatima Loves Chachi 0830 – M*U*S*T*A*S*H 0900 – Veronica’s Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils 0930 – Married with 139 Children 1000 – Eye for an Eye Witness News FRIDAY: 0800 – Judge Saddam 0830 – Suddenly Sanctions 0900 – Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire? 0930 – Cave and Garden Television 1000 – No-Witness News SATURDAY: 0800 – Spongebob Squareturban 0830 – Who’s Koran Is It Anyway? 0900 – Teletalibans 0930 – Camel 54, Where Are You? 1000 – Survival – Baghdad

A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade listing each and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unloveable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their quarter century of marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth. The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down;. The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?” The husband thought for a moment and replied, “Well, Doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on the other days I play golf.”

It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang. “Hello?” A girl’s voice came over the line. “Can I speak to Ben, please?” I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored. “I’m sorry, he’s not in right now. Can I take a message?” “Do you know what time he’ll be back?” she responded. “I think he said he’d be home around 10:00.” Silence on the other end… a confused silence. “Is this Steve?” My name isn’t Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number. “Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?” “Well… he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him…” she said in a slightly irritated voice. I replied, “Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00.” A shocked voice now: “Who’s Karen?!” “The girl he went out with.” “I know that! I mean… who is she?” “I don’t know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?” “Yes… please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home.” She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. “I sure will. Is this Jennifer?” She exploded this time. “Who’s Jennifer?” Apparently she wasn’t. “Well… he’s going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry… it was an honest mistake.” “Ben’s the one that’s made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she’s very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home.” I smiled and said, “Okay, I will… but Becky isn’t going to like this…” CLICK

HEADLINES FOR THE YEAR 2040 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. Baby conceived naturally . . scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon). Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 300 lbs. Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036. Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts. Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. Florida Voters still don’t know how to use a voting machine

Notes To The Rural Milkman “Dear Milkman, I’ve just had a baby, please leave another one.” “Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.” “Please don’t leave any more milk. All they do is drink it” “Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.” “Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I’ve been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.” “Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn’t mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.” “When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.” “Please knock. My television’s broken down and I missed last nights ‘Sopranos.’ If you saw it, will you tell me what happened.” “My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle.” “Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.” “Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.” “From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don’t want any milk.” “My back door is open. Please put milk in ‘fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table, because we want to play bingo tonight.” “Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday…or is it today?” “When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don’t leave any milk.” “No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.”

The Difference Between Football in the North and South WOMEN’S ATTIRE Up North: Chapstick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front pocket. Down South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), concealer, and a fifth of bourbon. Wallet not necessary, that’s what dates are for. STADIUM SIZE Up North: College football stadiums hold 20,000. Down South: High School football stadiums hold 20,000. FATHERS Up North: Expect their daughter to understand Sylvia Plath. Down South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference. ATTIRE Up North: Male and female alike: woolly sweater or sweatshirt and jeans. Down South: Male – press khakis, oxford shirt, cap with frat logo, Justin Ropers. Female – ankle-length skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots, oxford shirt. ALUMNI Up North: Take prospects on sailing trips before they join the law firm. Down South: Take prospects on fishing trip so they don’t leave for the NFL their senior year. CAMPUS DECOR Up North: Statues of founding fathers. Down South: Statues of Heisman Trophy winners. HOMECOMING QUEEN Up North: Also a Physics Major Down South: Also Miss USA. HEROES Up North: Mario Cuomo Down South: “Bear” Bryant GETTING TICKETS Up North: 5 minutes before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and still purchase tickets. Down South: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and still be placed on the waiting list for tickets. FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY NIGHT GAME Up North: Students and Teachers are not sure if they are going because they have class on Friday. Down south: Teachers cancel class on Friday because they don’t want to see the few hungover students that might actually make it to class on Friday. PARKING Up North: An hour before game time the University opens the campus for game parking. Down South: RV’s sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The real faithful begin arriving on Tuesday. GAME DAY Up North: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV. Down South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting on Game Day “live” to get on camera and wave to the idiots up North who wonder why game day is never broadcast from their campus. TAILGATING Up North: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down. Down South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by Jerry Jeff Walker, who comes over during breaks and ask for a hit off your bottle of bourbon. GETTING TO THE STADIUM Up North: You ask “Where’s the stadium?” When you find it, you walk right in with no line. Down South: When your near it, you’ll hear it. On game day, it becomes the state’s third largest city. CONCESSIONS Up North: Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with soda. Down South: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team’s mascot–filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon. WHEN NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED Up North: Stands are less than half full. Down South: 100,000 fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony. THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCORE Up North: Nothing Changes! Down South: Fireworks with a twist of bourbon. COMMENTARY (MALE) Up North: “Nice Play.” Down South: “Dammit you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs!!!” COMMENTARY (FEMALE) Up North: “My, this is a violent sport.” Down South: “Dammit you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs!!!” ANNOUNCERS Up North: Paid. Down South: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team. AFTER THE GAME Up North: The stadium is empty way before the game ends. Down South: Another rack of ribs on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next week’s game.

My mate has a new girlfriend who works as a bin lady…The trouble is he can never remember if he’s taking her out on a Wednesday or a Thursday!

I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined…Wednesday is open Mike night!

UK on Friday: I worry about heating my home this winter…UK on Wednesday: I worry about having a home this winter!

Here’s my gym schedule. Monday, cardio. Tuesday, weights. Wednesday, 7 mile bike ride. Thursday, 15 year break. Repeat.

Things I Hate: slow internet connection and monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday and half of friday.

Let’s get this out of the way now. Next Wednesday, the date will be 12-12-12. Happy?

It’s only Wednesday and I’m already 94% done with this week.

I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined.Wednesday is open Mike night.