Wheel Jokes

have you ever wondered why stephen hawkins is in a wheelchair it’s because he was getting smart with Chuck Norris

The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Since he’d never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. The reluctant chauffeur pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel. The Pope then merged onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do. Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of the State Patrol in his side mirror, so he pulled over. The trooper approached the limo, peered in through the windows, then said, “Just a moment please, I need to call in.” The trooper called in and explained to the chief that he had a very important person pulled over for speeding. “How do I handle this, chief?” asked the trooper. “Is it the Governor?” questioned the chief. “No! This guy is even more important!” “Is it the President?” asked the chief. “No! Even more important!” “Well, who the heck is it?” screamed the chief. “I don’t know, sir,” replied the trooper, “but he’s got the Pope as his chauffeur.”

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: Are you the owner? The pharmacist answers, Yes. Jacob: Were about to get married. Do you sell heart medication? Pharmacist: Of course we do. Jacob: How about medicine for circulation? Pharmacist: All kinds. Jacob: Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis? Pharmacist: Definitely. Jacob: How about Viagra? Pharmacist: Of course. Jacob: Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice? Pharmacist: Yes, a large variety. The works. Jacob: What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinsons disease? Pharmacist: Absolutely. Jacob: You sell wheelchairs and walkers? Pharmacist: All speeds and sizes. Jacob: We would like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. “They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!” she cries. The 911 dispatcher says, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes.” Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher’s telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again. “Never mind,” giggles the blonde, “I got in the back seat by mistake.”

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!” “What makes you say that?” he asked, putting on an innocent look. “The pub called — you left your wheelchair there again.”

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, “Hi Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?” Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, “They won’t let me fart.”

A housewife acquired a pet rabbit and taught it to do all kinds of tricks. She noticed, however, that the animal was very self-conscious and wouldn’t perform any time it was being observed, which defeated the purpose of teaching it to do tricks in the first place. If she walked into the room when the rabbit was in the middle of a trick, it would immediately stop. The woman solved the problem by concealing a video camera behind the refrigerator and filming its tricks. She showed the tape to her all friends, except for the neighbor across the street who were on vacation and missed the show. One afternoon, the lady had to fetch something from the room where the rabbit was kept. She opened the door, and immediately the rabbit cut short a cartwheel and cowered in the corner, refusing to do any more tricks. Just then, the neighbor across the street, who had returned from vacation, knocked on the door. “I understand you have a pet rabbit that does tricks?” she said. “You’ll have to settle for video tape,” the lady replied, “because I’ve just watched my hare, and I can’t do a thing with it.”

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. “They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!” she cries. The 911 dispatcher says, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes.” Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher’s telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again. “Never mind,” giggles the blonde, “I got in the back seat by mistake.”

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one night before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he’s in his brown suit. She’d specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she’d brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he’d been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she’d brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, “But madam! It’s only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can’t possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time. The lady said, “Who’s paying for this?” Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit. After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he’d been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, “Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads.”

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won’t be able to wheel back.” “You’re on, old man,” the young guy replied. The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, “All right. Get in.”

Q: Ever heard of the wooden car with wooden wheels and a wooden engine? A: It wooden run.

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, “Mom! That lady isn’t wearing a seat belt! HONESTY My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, “We better throw this one out too then, ’cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago. KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. “It’s the minister, Mommy,” the child said to her mother. Then she added, “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.” MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?” ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!” DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.” “And why not, darling?” “You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.” SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!” BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. “Mama, look what I found”, the boy called out.” What have you got there, dear?” With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “YEOWW! ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by all women. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. WELDING GLOVES: Heavy-duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or1/2 inch socket you’ve been searching for the last 45 minutes. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires. RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures. Also used as replacement for screwdriver. MECHANIC’S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling “DAMMIT” at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, “Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?” The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, “First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?” Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, “Uh… no, I didn’t know that.” “Secondly,” says the lawyer, “my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children.” The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. “Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another with learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?” The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, “I’m sorry, I had no idea.” And the lawyer says, “So… if I didn’t give any money to them, what in the hell makes you think I’d ever give any to you?”

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin. Bubba, where’d you git that truck?!?” Tammie give it to me” Bubba replied. “She give it to ya? I know’d she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a New truck?” “Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened. We wuz drivin’ out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres. Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, ‘Bubba, take whatever you want.’ So I took the truck! ” “Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!”

A factory worker at a factory that made hammers, screwdrivers and other small tools, was seen taking the trash through the front door in a wheelbarrow. The security guard stopped him and informed the employee that he would have to examine the trash to be sure there were nothing being smuggled out of the factory. The employee didn’t object and the guard proceeded to searched the trash. He did not find anything unusual and let the employee continue. The next day, the employee again took the trash out with a wheelbarrow. As expected, the guard insisted upon searching the trash, but still found nothing unusual. This continued for a month and the security guard was becoming extremely suspicious. One day, he decided he would confront the employee. When the employee brought out the trash, the guard said, “I know you are taking something from here but I just can’t find it. You had better confess now or else!” The employee decided there was no way out and he said, “You know all the times I have taken out the trash and you searched it and found nothing?” “Yes…” replied the guard, eager for an answer. The employee continued, “Well so far I have taken 30 wheelbarrows.”

After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair. Although the insurance company doctor testified that his bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000. When he was wheeled into the insurance company office to collect his check, Miller was confronted by several executives. “You’re not getting away with this, Miller,” one said. “We’re going to watch you day and night. If you take a single step, you’ll not only repay the damages but stand trial for perjury. Here’s the money. What do you intend to do with it?” “My wife and I are going to travel,” Miller replied. “We’ll go to Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes–where, gentlemen, you’ll see yourselves one hell of a miracle!”

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out….. a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house. The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn’t shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all. The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air. She spoke to the other bum and said, “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!” The other bum says, “Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. ‘HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?”

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel. “Your jeep stuck, sir?” asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. “Nope,” replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, “*Yours* is.”

Q: What’s green and has wheels? A: Grass. I was just kidding about the wheels.

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!” “What makes you say that?” he asked, putting on an innocent look. “The pub called — you left your wheelchair there again.”

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. Mick, the bartender says, ” You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy. Paddy replies, “OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then.” Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. “Shoite” he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, “Shoite, Shoite!” He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. “Bi’Jesus… I’m fockin’ focked,” he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says “No fockin’ way”. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says “I can make it to the bed.” He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says “Fock it” and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, “Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?”. Paddy says, “I did Jess. I was fockin’ pissed. But how’d you know?” Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.”

This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up and she unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She speaks to the other bum and says, “What you friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!” The bum replies, “Well, I dunno. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50. WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?”

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, John had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.” “You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “It’s a bet! Let’s see what you got.” Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”

A little boy was playing with a worm one day at his grandpa’s house. Grandpa jokingly tells the young boy that he’ll give him ten dollars if he can stick the worm back into the worm hole. After a few minutes of trying the boy leaves then returns with a can of hair spray. He sprays it all over the worm and when the worms becomes stiff he pokes it back down in the hole. A few days later the boy is at his grandpa’s house again when grandpa wheels out a shiny new bike and gives it to his grandson along with ten dollars. The boy says, “but grandpa you only promised me ten dollars.” The grandpa replies, ” I know……. the bike is from your grandmother.”

What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ’em. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… when the pastor says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,” five guys and two women stand up. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of.” You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the choir is known as the “OK Chorale”. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… Baptism is referred to as “branding”. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… people think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob’s Barbecue. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the collection plates are really hub caps from a ’56 Chevy. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… instead of a Bell, you are called to service by a duck call You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the communion wine is Boone’s Farm “Tickled Pink”. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… “Thou shalt not covet” applies to hunting dogs, too. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the final words of the benediction are, “Y’all come back now Ya Hear!”

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn’t notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them. The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man doesn’t move. The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash. The light turns yellow and the woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams profanity and curses at the man. The man, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red. The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman. The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening. After she shuts off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car then handcuffs her and takes her to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects and says, “I’m really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the “Choose Life” license plate holder, the “What Would Jesus Do” bumper sticker, the “Follow Me to Sunday School” bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car.”

It is not a well known fact, but soccer was very popular in ancient Rome. The Coliseum was used for matches. There was a big match planned for one Saturday, and three famous Romans arranged to meet at the Coliseum to see the match (Rome vs. Naples). When the day came, Caesar and Cassius met in their favorite bar, but there was no sign of their friend Brutus. So shortly before the kick-off, they gave up and went to their reserved seats to watch the game. At half time, Brutus finally arrived “Sorry I’m late,” he said. “The wheel came off the chariot, and I couldn’t get it fixed. How’s the game going?” “It’s been a fantastic game so far,” Caesar replied. “What’s the score, then?” “Eight-two, Brutus.”

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out….. a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house. The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn’t shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all. The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air. She spoke to the other bum and said, “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!” The other bum says, “Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. ‘HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?”

It’s time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella’s are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States. The following are this year’s candidates: 1. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a nightclub in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses. 2. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbor’s beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun. 3. A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hub caps. 4. A. Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 a! after she slipped on a soft drink spill and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. 5. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn’t reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner’s insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000. 6. A jury of her peers awarded Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, $780,000 after breaking her ankle by tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson’s son. 7. This year’s favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner’s manual that he couldn’t actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.

A cat shows up at the Pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter says, “I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn’t cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted.” Cat: “Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it.” St. Peter: “That’s easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in.” Next a group of mice appeared. St. Peter: “Ah, I remember you! You were such good mice on earth. You didn’t steal food from anyone’s house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted.” The Chief Mouse replied, “Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate. It was beautiful and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?” St. Peter: “Granted. You shall have your wish.” Next day, St. Peter is making rounds inside the Gates and sees the cat. “Well, Cat…did you enjoy the satin pillow?” Cat: “Oh, indeed I did. And say….that “Meals-on-Wheels” thing was a nice touch, too!”

A guy went to visit a friend at the hospital. His friend was all busted up and in several casts. After he determined that his friend would survive and eventually recover, he wanted to know what happened to his friend. Before he could ask, he heard his friend say “Talk dirty to Dr. Laura and she will take you out!” Wow! he thought, an opportunity to go out with Dr. Laura, my friend can wait, if I rush I can catch her at her book signing at the mall. He got her latest book “Ten Thousand Stupid Things They Thought No One Could Possibly Do – And They Were Wrong”, waited in the signing line and met Dr. Laura. “Let me speak softly in your ear Dr. Laura, I have something private to say to you”, he said. Then he spoke so dirty, he even shocked him self. “What did you say” asked Dr. Laura, thinking she could not have heard what she thought she heard. He repeated it for her. After a while the paramedics wheeled him into the hospital room next to his friend. He yelled to his friend, “Its your fault I’m in here, you said if I talked dirty to Dr. Laura, she would give me a date”. “Oh no” said his friend “she has a double super black belt in karate. I was warning you about what happened to me. I tried to talk dirty to her and she used that karate and took me out good fashion.”

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times. The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter. The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space. The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle. “Why a thermos bottle?” the others asked. “Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer.” “Yes — so what?” “Think about it.” said the mystic reverently. “That little bottle; how does it know?”

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. The first bull says, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t’ givin’ him any of mine.” The second bull says, “That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight ‘im till I run him off or kill ‘im, but I’M KEEPIN’ ALL MY COWS.” The third bull says, “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to “take care of”. I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.” They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. The first bull says, “Ahem…You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.” The second bull says, “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.” They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm. The first bull says, “Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.” The third bull says, “Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’M a bull!”

Q: What’s green and has wheels? A: Grass. I lied about the wheels.

The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at the entrance. – A cat shows up. St Peter says “I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn’t cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted.” Cat: “Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it.” St Peter: “That’s easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in.” Next a group of mice appeared. St Peter: “Ah, I remember you. You were such good mice on earth. You didn’t steal food from anyone’s house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted.” The Chief Mouse replied, “Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate, and it was beautiful, and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?” St Peter: “Granted. You shall have your wish.” Next day, St Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates, and sees the cat. “Well, Cat…Did you enjoy the satin pillow?” Cat: “Oh, indeed I did. And say…that “Meals on Wheels” thing was a nice touch, too!”

A circus owner walked into a shop to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheelin’ and dealin’ they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the shop in anger, “Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn’t dance a single step!” “Hmmm….” thought the duck’s former owner. “Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?”

During an Army war game a commanding officer’s jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck. “Sorry sir,” said one of the loafers, “but we’ve been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn’t contribute in any way.” The C.O. turned to his driver and said, “Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction.”

10. The water-proof towel 9. Glow in the dark sunglasses 8. Solar powered flashlights 7. Submarine screen doors 6. A book on how to read 5. Inflatable dart boards 4. A dictionary index 3. Pedal powered wheel chairs 2. Water proof tea bags 1. Zero proof alcohol

1. Works well only when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap 2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity. 3. I would not allow this employee to breed. 4. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won’t be. 5. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there. 7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. 8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. 9. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 10. This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts the better. 11. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 13. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching. 14. A room temperature IQ. 15. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together. 16. A gross ignoramus-144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. 17. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. 18. A prime candidate for natural deselection. 19. Bright as Alaska in December. 20. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests. 21. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it. 22. Fell out of the family tree. 23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is going nowhere. 24. Has two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it. 25. He is so dense, light bends around him. 26. If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate. 27. If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week. 28. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change. 29. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. 30. It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm. 31. One neuron short of a synapse. 32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled. 33. Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch the 60 minutes program. 34. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby. 35. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Test Drive After shopping for weeks, I finally found the car of my dreams. It was only two years old and in beautiful condition. The salesman asked if I would like to take it for a test drive. We had traveled no more than two miles when the car broke down. The salesman called for a tow truck. When it arrived, we climbed into the front seat. While the driver was hooking up the car, the salesman turned to me with a killer smile and said, “Well, now, what is it going to take to put you behind the wheel of that beauty today?”

SUNDAY: 0800 – My 33 Sons 0830 – Osama Knows Best 0900 – I Dream of Mohammed 0930 – Let’s Mecca Deal 1000 – The Kabul Hillbillies MONDAY: 0800 – Husseinfeld 0900 – Mad About Everything 0930 – Monday Night Stoning 1000 – Win Bin Laden’s Money 1030 – Allah McBeal TUESDAY: 0800 – Wheel of Terror 0830 – The Price is Right if Osama Says it’s Right 0900 – Children are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things 0930 – Taliban’s Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers 1000 – Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer WEDNESDAY: 0800 – Beat the Press 0830 – When Kurds Attack 0900 – Two Guys, a Girl, and Pita Bread 0930 – Just Shoot Everyone 1000 – Veilwatch THURSDAY: 0800 – Fatima Loves Chachi 0830 – M*U*S*T*A*S*H 0900 – Veronica’s Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils 0930 – Married with 139 Children 1000 – Eye for an Eye Witness News FRIDAY: 0800 – Judge Saddam 0830 – Suddenly Sanctions 0900 – Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire? 0930 – Cave and Garden Television 1000 – No-Witness News SATURDAY: 0800 – Spongebob Squareturban 0830 – Who’s Koran Is It Anyway? 0900 – Teletalibans 0930 – Camel 54, Where Are You? 1000 – Survival – Baghdad

“Sister Ann, aren’t you putting on a little weight?” inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging belly. “Why, no Father,” answered the nun demurely, “It’s just a little gas.” A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit barely fit across her belly. “Oh, just a bit of gas,” said Sister Ann, blushing a bit. On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the corridor when he passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage. Looking in, the priest observed, “Cute little Fart!”

How to Survive in the South If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in a four wheel drive pickup with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Remember: “Ya’ll” is singular, “All ya’ll” is plural, and “All y’alls’” is plural possessive. Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?” Don’t be worried at not understanding what people are saying: they can’t understand you either. Be advised that “He needed killin’” is a valid defense here. If you hear a southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this,” stay out of the way. These are likely the last words he’ll ever say. Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of yonder’. Only a Southerner knows exactly how long directly’ is, as in: Going to town, be back directly.’ Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between right near’ and “a right far piece.” They also know that just down the road’ can be 1 mile or 20. Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol’ boy, and po’ white trash. A Southerner knows that fixin’ can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb. And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y’all need a sign to hang on y’alls front porch that reads, “I ain’t from the South, but I got here as fast as I could.”

After getting all of The Pope’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver in New York City notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. “Excuse a-me, Your Holiness,” says the driver, “Would you please-a take-a your seat so we can-a leave?” “Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.” “I’m-a sorry but I cannot-a let you do that. I’d-a lose-a my job! And what if-a something should-a happen?” protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning. “There might be something extra in it for you, “says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. “Please a- slow down, Your Holiness!!!” pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. “Oh, dear God, I’m-a gonna lose a my licence,” moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. “I need-a to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going a hundred and five. “So bust him,” says the Chief. “I don’t a think we wanna do that, he’s a-really important,” said the cop. The Chief exclaimed,” All the more reason!” “No, I mean a really important,” said the cop. The Chief then asked, “Who ya got there, the Mayor?” Cop: “Bigger.” Chief: “Governor?” Cop: “Bigger.” Chief: “President?” Cop: “Bigger” “Bigger than the President? – ridiculous,” said the Chief, “Who is it?” Cop: “I think it’s God!” Chief: “What makes you think it’s God?” Cop: “He’s got the Pope as a chauffeur!!”

A travelling salesman of agricultural machinery was on a three week tour through the hinterlands of southern Arkansas and was visiting one particular farmer. He was standing, alongside of the farmer, leaning on the corral rail – as he always did before pitching “the new line of tractors” – and looking at all of the farm animals in the barnyard. Seeing one particular pig, he said: “Say, that sure is a fine hog, but, you know, I have never seen a pig with one wooden leg before.” The farmer said: “You see, that there pig is one valuable animal, I can tell you. That there hog saved my life three times.” “The first time was about a month ago. My wife fried potatoes for supper, just the way I like them, and left the frying pan on the stove. About midnight or so, the pig must have smelled the smoke, but be broke out of his pen, butted the house door open with his snout, woke us up and we got out of the house just in time.” “And it wasn’t but two weeks later and I was mowing on the back forty and I tipped the tractor over and it pinned me under the rear wheel. Gas was leaking out of the tank onto the hot manifold and that pig must have heard me yelling, because he broke out again, ran up to me, saw what had happened, ran to the neighbour, got help and the neighbour came with his tractor and pulled me free.” “And just last week, I was leading the old dairy bull out to pasture, and he raised up and pulled the ring out of his nose and, quick as two shakes of a dog’s tail, he knocked me down. He jumped on me and straddled me with his horns and was about to gore me, when the old pig heard what was going on, broke out again, ran up, got a firm hold on the old bull’s tail and I got away.” Having heard the explanation, the salesman said: “All well and good, but that doesn’t explain why that hog has got a wooden leg.” The farmer replied: “Well, in a way, it does. A pig that is that valuable is way too valuable to eat all at one time”.

Chuck Norris can ride his bike with no handlebars…………..or wheels

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation or performance review just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from United States Federal Government employee performance evaluations: 1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.” 2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.” 3. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of definite won’t be.” 4. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.” 5. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.” 7. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.” 8. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.” 9. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.” 10. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.” 11. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.” 12. “A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.” 13. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.” 14. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.” 15. “He’s been working with glue too much.” 16. “He would argue with a signpost.” 17. “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.” 18. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.” 19. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.” 20. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.” 21. “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.” 22. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.” 23. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.” 24. “He’s got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.” 25. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.” 26. “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.” 27. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.” 28. “It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.” 29. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.” 30. “Takes him 2 hours to watch ’60-minutes’.” 31. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

A Mexican family crosses the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are supposed to be paved with gold. But the husband can find no work. His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray: Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family…” Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the Black man coming over the top of the hill, who is struggling with a broken grocery sack and loses a wheel of his cheese. When the Mexican man opens his eyes, the large wheel of cheddar cheese from the Black man’s grocery bag rolls down the hill and lands at the Mexican’s feet! “Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!” he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos. “But wouldn’t you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?” She inquires. “No,” the husband says, “Jesus sent this to me with a message…As I ran home, I kept hearing a voice from Him yelling, ‘THAT’S NACHO CHEESE! THAT’S NACHO CHEESE!

The Limo The Pope was getting into his limo one night when he turned to the limo driver and said, “Before I die, I would love to drive this beautiful limo just once.” “Well, here,” the limo driver says, “Take the wheel, Your Holiness!” Further down the road, the limo is stopped by a policeman who looks in the window, goes back to his squad car, calls dispatch and says, “I just pulled over someone real important and I don’t know what to do.” “Well, who is it?” his dispatcher says, “The mayor? The governor? The president?” “I don’t know,” the officer responds, “but the Pope’s his chauffer!”

Driving Pointiff After getting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb. ‘Excuse me, Your Holiness, ‘says the driver,’ Would you please take your seat so we can leave?’ ‘Well, to tell you the truth, ‘ says the Pope, ‘ they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I’d really like to drive today.’ ‘I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! What if something should happen?’ protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning. ‘Who’s going to tell?’ says the Pope with a smile. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms.. (Remember, the Pope is German..) ‘Please slow down, Your Holiness! ‘ pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. ‘Oh, dear Lord, I’m going to lose my license — and my job!’ moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. ‘I need to talk to the Chief,’ he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going 155 kph. ‘So bust him, ‘ says the Chief. ‘I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,’ said the cop. The Chief exclaimed, ‘All the more reason!’ ‘No, I mean really important,’ said the cop with a bit of persistence. The Chief then asked,’ Who do you have there, the mayor?’ Cop: ‘Bigger.’ Chief: ‘A senator?’ Cop: ‘Bigger.’ Chief: ‘The Prime Minister?’ Cop: ‘Bigger. ‘ ‘Well, ‘ said the Chief, ‘who is it?’ Cop: ‘ I think it’s God!’ The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, ‘What makes you think it’s God?’ Cop: ‘His chauffeur is the Pope!’

A redneck family from outside Little Rock was visiting a city in the North and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son decided to stroll around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy said, “Pa, What’s’at?” Pa (never having seen an elevator) said, “Dunno, son. Ain’t never seen nothing like ‘at in my whole dang life. Ain’t got no idea’r what ’tis.” Then, all of a sudden, while the two watched in amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and she rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until the number at the top lit up. And then the small lights commenced to work their way down again. When the walls opened the next time, out stepped a gorgeous, voluptuous, turbo 24-year-old blonde woman. Reverently, and without taking his eyes off the babe, Pa said, quietly, “Boy . . . go . . . git . . . yo . . . Momma.”

Never buy a ‘new’ brand of beer because ‘it was on sale.’ If we’re in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn’t mean we’re not watching it. Don’t tell anyone we can’t afford a new car. Tell them we don’t want one. Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials. Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment. Please don’t drive when you’re not driving. Don’t feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We’re just nodding, waiting for the punchline. The quarterback who just got pummeled isn’t trying to be brave. He’s just not crying. Big difference! When the waiter asks if everything’s okay, a simple ‘Yes’ is fine. It does not mean that is your chance to complain about the taste of the water and the salsa. What do you mean, ‘leering?’ She’s obstructing my view. When I ask, ‘How many guys have you slept with?’ It would be much appreciated if you did not answer honestly. When I’m turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying ‘Oh, this is our exit, Honey’ is not really necessary. When you’re not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself. The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it. SportsCenter starts at 10:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear? If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work? You probably don’t want to know what we’re thinking about. It’s in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together!

How to Survive in the South If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in a four wheel drive pickup with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Remember: “Ya’ll” is singular, “All ya’ll” is plural, and “All y’alls’” is plural possessive. Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?” Don’t be worried at not understanding what people are saying: they can’t understand you either. Be advised that “He needed killin’” is a valid defense here. If you hear a southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this,” stay out of the way. These are likely the last words he’ll ever say.

Kitty’s Heaven St Peter is receptionist at the entrance of Heaven. A cat shows up and St Peter says, “I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn’t cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted.” Cat: “Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it.” St Peter: “That’s easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in.” Next, a group of mice appeared and St Peter greeted them and said: “Ah, I remember you. You were such good mice on earth. You didn’t steal food from anyone’s house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you have always wanted.” The Chief Mouse replied, “Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate, and it was beautiful, and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?” St Peter: “Granted. You shall have your wish.” Next day, St Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates, and sees the cat. “Well, Cat…Did you enjoy the satin pillow?” Cat: “Oh, indeed I did. And say…that ‘Meals on Wheels’ thing was a nice touch, too!”

A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. “They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,” she cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. “Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake.”

Thanks to Storm Arwen, my wheelie bin has to go on a speed awareness course next week!#StormArwen

I’ve just made my hamster a strong coffee…I don’t want him falling asleep at the wheel!

Bought my girlfriend a fur coat made out of 3600 hamster skins and took her to Blackpool…I couldn’t get her off the big wheel for 2 fucking days!

Thanks to todays wind my wheelie bin has to go on a speed awareness course next week! #StormMalik

It has been so bloody windy here recently that my wheelie bin is now on a speed awareness course! #StormDudley

I knew a footballers wife who rode a unicycle…She was called a wag on wheel!

I was so drunk last night, I literally crawled home and as I pulled myself up the front steps, my wife was waiting. “Sorry darling, I’m a little bit drunk,” I said. “Drunk? You left your wheelchair at the bloody pub again!”

I text my wife today. “I had a bad accident at work. I fell from a great height. Sarah kindly rushed me to the hospital. The Drs examined me, they x-rayed my legs & say I may never walk again and be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life.” She text back, “Who the fuck is Sarah?”

Surely at this stage it would make more sense to wheel the Queen past the queue?

Just as we were heading to bed, the missus asked, “Did you put the wheelie bin out?” “Er no, I’ll do it in the morning,” I replied. “What about the cat?” she said. So I said, “Well, I’ll ask him, but I don’t think he’ll be able to push it!”

I’ve managed to build a car without a reverse gear or a steering wheel. It’s pretty straight forward really.

My brother’s got a degree in wheel-making. Only 359 more to go.

My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel….

Be that Shopping Cart with the bad wheel. Go in your own direction no matter how hard someone try’s to push you in theirs.

Have you ever looked at someone and knew the wheel was turning but the hamster was dead?!!!

Men are a lot like shopping carts, when you finally find one without a screwed up wheel, it already has a wife pushing it around.

My girlfriend left me after I broke her wheelchair….. Oh,, I think she’ll come crawling back soon..

Can you spare just $2? Ranji is a 9 yr old boy living in Namibia. He has 1 leg, 1 arm, and 1 eye. Each day he rides 7 miles to school with a bike w/ bent wheels and no brakes. If you just send $2, we will send you the video it’s freaking hilarious.

Men are a lot like shopping carts, when you finally find one without a screwed up wheel, it already has a Women pushing it around.

Well, well, well…look who’s come crawling back,,, asking me to repair the tire on their wheelchair.

This morning some fit blonde asked for my seat on the bus so I replied, “There’s no chance in hell I’m getting up love.” “Why, is it because I’m not pregnant?” “No love, it’s because this is a wheelchair.”

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket… You can hide but you can’t run.

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.He’s the Spokesman.

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship’s wheel on his belt buckle. Bartender: What’s that on your belt? Pirate: Arrr, It’s drivin’ me nuts!

Wife: “Why are you dressed in a tuxedo?”Me: “I want to take you out for a romantic meal. Can you change attire quickly?”Wife: “Of course I can darling.”Me: “Great. The spare wheel’s in the boot of the car. I’ll book the restaurant!”

It has been so bloody windy here recently that my wheelie bin is now on a speed awareness course!

Thanks to Storm Arwen, my wheelie bin has to go on a speed awareness course next week!

What has 4 wheels and flies?A garbage truck.

What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine?It wooden go!

To the man in wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket:You can hide, but you can’t run!

I once bought a wooden car. Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition.Wooden start.