Windshield Jokes

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and headed home. As he was walking to the parking lot toward his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, “Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago” “Yes,” the golfer responded. “Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course” the cop asked. “Yes, I did. How did you know” the golfer asked. “Well,” said the policeman very seriously, “Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver’s windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn’t make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it” The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, “I think I’ll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.”

Q: What do snake charmers do in the rain? A: Turn on their windshield vipers.

The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air- craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn’t break, it’s likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight. The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer’s chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab. They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.

This is important information just in case. Symptoms of the Bird Flu… The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately: 1. High fever 2. Congestion 3. Nausea 4. Fatigue 5. Aching in the joints 6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone’s windshield.

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, ‘I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight’s concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.’ Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, ‘Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don’t I?’

Q: What kind of snake is it good to have on a car? A: Windshield vipers.

What do you call a snake that rides around on the front of a car? A windshield viper.

You’re Not Old Unless You Can Remember… Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV. When Kool-Aid was the only drink for kids, other than milk or sodas. When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up. When nearly everyone’s mom was home when the kids got there. When nobody owned a purebread dog. When you reach into a muddy water gutter for a penny. When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box. When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed… and did! When you mom wore nylons that came in two pieces. When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking… for free, every time and you didn’t pay for air. And you got trading stamps to boot!

What kind of snake is it good to have on a car? Windshield vipers.

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer’s back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.. The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions. Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo: Defrost the chicken..

After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by some knocks on the door of the cab. “Can you tell me the time, please?” asks a jogger. “Yeah, it’s 4:30,” answers the trucker. He falls asleep again, but he is awoken again by another jogger who wants to know the time. “It’s 4:40!” yells the trucker. Deciding to really try to sleep a little, he writes on a piece of paper: I DON’T KNOW THE TIME. He sticks the paper in his windshield. But he is awoken again. ‘It’s 5:25,” says another jogger.

What do snake charmers do in the rain? Turn on their windshield vipers.

My windshield was covered in ice this morning and I didn’t have a proper scraper to remove it so I used my store discount card.But I only got 20% off.