Zoo Jokes

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. “So how was it?” his mother asked when they returned home. “Great,” Little Johnny replied. “Did you and your father have a good time?” asked his mother. “Yeah, Daddy especially liked it,” exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, “especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!”

* You dance and it makes the band skip. * You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live. * You put mayonnaise on an aspirin. * You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts. * Your driver’s license says, “Picture continued on other side.” * You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture. * You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth. * You could sell shade. * Your blood type is Ragu. * You need an appointment to attend an ‘open house’.

The young lady strolled through the National Zoo and finally paused in front of the monkey island. Mystified as to the whereabouts of the animals, she queried the keeper, “Where are all of the monkeys?” “They’re all back in the cave, Miss.” he responded, “It’s right in the midst of the mating season.” “I see.” she replied, “Do you think they’d come out if I offered them some of these peanuts?” Smiling the keeper responding, “Well, I can’t rightly say as I know, Miss. Would *YOU*?”

The fences at the zoo are to keep the animals safe from Chuck Norris.

A gorilla escapes from the zoo and after 3 weeks, the zoo keepers give up looking for him. Some time later, a man calls the zoo complaining of a gorilla in a tree in his back yard. The zoo keeper rushes right over. When he arrives, he has a net, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a Dachshund. The man asks what the items are for. He’s told, “I’m gonna climb the tree and hit the gorilla in the head with the baseball bat. When he falls out of the tree, you throw the net over him, and the Dachshund will go straight for his balls.” The man asks, “But what’s the shotgun for?” The zoo keeper answers, “If I miss the gorilla and fall out of the tree, you shoot the Dachshund.”

A policeman stopped a man who was walking along with a monster and ordered him to take it to the zoo at once. The next day the policeman saw the same man with the same monster.”I thought I told you to take that monster to the zoo,” he said.”I did,” said the man, “and now I’m taking him to see a movie.”

There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hills and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, “Hi, I’m a zebra! What are you?” “I’m a cow.” “Right, right. What do you do?” “I make milk for the farmer.” “Cool.” The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. “Hi, I’m a zebra. What are you?” “I’m a chicken.” “Oh, right. What do you do?” “I make eggs for the farmer.” “Right, great, see ya round.” Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, “Hi, I’m a zebra. What are you?” “I am a Stallion,” said the stallion. “Wow,” said the zebra. “What do you do?” “Take off your pajamas, darling, and I’ll show you.”

* You dance and it makes the band skip. * You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live. * You put mayonnaise on an aspirin. * You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts. * Your driver’s license says, “Picture continued on other side.” * You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture. * You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth. * You could sell shade. * Your blood type is Ragu. * You need an appointment to attend an ‘open house’.

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. “So how was it?” his mother asked when they returned home. “Great,” Little Johnny replied. “Did you and daddy have a good time?” asked his mother. “Yeah, daddy really liked it too,” exclaimed Little Johnny, “especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!”

Spent yesterday afternoon in the zoo treating monkeys with depression…I’m always there when the chimps are down!

I took my kids to the zoo last week…Popping back today to see if they’ve settled in!

89 monkey pox cases in the UK…Won’t be long before we’re stood on the front door step clapping the zoo keepers!

They say that when you encounter a lion, you shouldn’t move a muscle.So when I encountered one, I stood still for 6 hours…Then a bloke approached me and said, “The zoo is about to close sir!”

I went to the Zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it. It was a Shitzu

Just came back from the Zoo and saw a slice of toast in one of the enclosures. It was bread in captivity.

Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.

A big cat escaped it’s cage at the zoo yesterday. If I saw that I’d puma pants.

I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.

My mate got a job as a lion’s hairdresser at the zoo today. He is literally the mane man.

Spent the morning in the zoo treating monkeys with depression…I’m always there when the chimps are down!

Apparently to start a zoo you need at least two pandas, a grizzly and three polars.It’s the bear minimum.

I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.