The Best Crap Jokes Ever

Ever laughed at how bad a joke was? They’re usually told by your dad or your annoying uncle. Whether it’s a laugh or a groan you’re after, we love crap jokes, so here are our favourites!

Some guy just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy!

I keep having a recurring nightmare…

…where I’m surrounded by loads of pregnant women in labour. I think I may be having a midwife crisis..

Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of the boat?

Because if they fell forwards, they’d still be in the boat.

I buy all my guns from a T-Rex.

He’s a small arms dealer.

Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?

Because he was too far out!

Just got a birthday card, opened it and rice went everywhere!

It was from Uncle Ben!

My pet mouse ‘Elvis’ died last night…

He was caught in a trap.

I tried to sign up to a website the other day.

I put my password as “BeefStew” but it said password wasn’t stroganoff.

What’s the worst vegetable to bring on a boat?

A Leek.

My wife crashed the car while listening to Adele last night.

She ended up rolling in the Jeep.

After a bad day…

I came home to find that somebody has ripped the front & back pages from my dictionary.

It just goes from bad to worse.

What’s green and not very heavy?

Light green.

I’ve just stolen loads of swimming pool inflatables.

I’d better lilo.

I start my new job in Seoul next week.

I thought it was a good Korea move.

My ex-wife hated my obsession with horoscopes

It taurus apart.

Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go round the earth for 24 hours.

So they decided to call it a day.

My wife and I are having a competition

To see who can steal the most dog related stuff from our local pet shop…

I’ve just taken the lead.

I took the rear view mirror out of my car, and since then…

I’ve never looked back

My younger brother was named after my father

A bit confusing when your brother is named ‘Dad’ though.

What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?


I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her it was over.

I’m Ruthless.

Disappointed? Good. That was our goal. We hope you enjoyed our list of crap jokes, and if you’ve got more to add, just drop them in the comments below! If you want to read some better jokes, check out our top jokes.

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